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Wed 18 Jan, 2006 07:19 pm
Hi,
I'm a newbie to this board and need to vent and hopefully get a few answers. Hubby and I will be married for 3 years in March. This is marriage number two for both of us. He has 3 teenagers, an 18-year old who lives on his own, a 16-year old daughter and 15-year old son who live with us.
He works from home doing telework for a major hospital in another state. His hours are 6:00am until 3:30pm. For the past 3 or 4 months he complains that he needs a hobby. I agree, as his daily schedule is: work, eat dinner, go up to the bedroom, read the paper, watch TV, go to sleep, repeat next day. I bring up all kinds of things we can do such as bowling (I totally suck at it but it would be fun to laugh about it), go to a movie or rent one, go to a museum, the zoo...the list goes on and on. When I bring things up for us to do he gets a 'pained look on his face that I learned means he thinks the idea is awful.
I've mentioned that I strongly feel needs counseling of some sort (I have had major depression in the past and can recognize it in him) and he replies, "I don't have energy to start from the beginning about all the things in my head...there's just no time for any of that." OK, so quit moaning about it!!
His 'world' is very narrow and I think that is where the problem lies. He ONLY likes to watch the Weather Channel, Fox News and once in a great while, the History Channel. No sitcoms, no game shows...nothing. I will watch anything once...you never know if you'll like it if you don't give it a try, right?
He ONLY reads books on alien abductions and UFOs. I find them interesting to a degree, but I also like Stephen King, Dean koontz, Ann Rule, James Patterson. If I find a really good book and say maybe he should try it, he'll ask what it's about and when I tell him, he says, "Yeah, but it's not my thing" and never picks it up.
When we first met, he said he enjoyed "letting loose" with a few beers. OK, I do too
.what he failed to mention is this occurred EVERY night and it was more like 12 to 15 beers, not "a few". It got to the point where I was drinking just so I could tolerate him! He becomes so obnoxious and argumentative when he drinks. We had a really big problem this past summer, which resulted in me having him arrested because I was afraid he was going to hurt me. He has NEVER raised his hand to me, but this night, I wasn't so sure.
We agreed that alcohol cannot be a part of our lives because things can get out of control quickly. I thought things were going well
he actually remembers conversations we have at night now! Instead, he's lost without his beer, nothing appeals to him and he is reluctant to try anything unless he can drink first.
Here's a great example that just happened tonight about how our relationship has radically changed: the kids were going to the pool hall with friends. He told me we would have a few hours "all to ourselves" and I got happy! The kids left, we both went upstairs (holding hands) and he picked up the National Enquirer that he bought this afternoon and read it from cover to cover while I sat there confused. I thought we were going to have some quality time together -- we used to take advantage of times when the kids weren't home and now "a few hours to ourselves" means he can read crap newspapers????
We used to have date nights
go out to dinner, drive around a little and just enjoy being together. We haven't had one in almost a year and a half. I don't know why. I bring it up as something to look forward to as I get that same pained look.
Is it me??? Am I being unreasonable here? Am I missing something??? Should I go buy him beer and just ?'pretend' all is okay when he gets drunk???? I'm sorry for the ranting and jumping all over the place. I just need a friend in the worst way right now. I want my husband back, I just don't know how to do it.
sounds like he's got some issue or other, the problem is, you can't fix him, you can only fix you
i'd suggest you check out an al-anon meeting, and perhaps a seperation to get both your heads straight
an avoidance of intimacy could also be a problem with impotence, not the sort of thinh most guys talk about easily or willingly
Me again
I do not mind the honesty here, that's what I want.
We did talk about the drinking issue in the past...about how it scares the ever-loving s--t out of me when I see that glazed look in his eyes, how our evening plans went from having a list of things to do to him snoring on the bed because he had too much to drink, etc. I said something one night to him that really hit hard. It was, "I'm not upset at you for having a beer with dinner, I'm upset with how fast you drink that one and then next and the next." He quit drinking that night for 6 months. Then a fight came up with his daughter (she is the teenage girl from hell -- aren't we all?! LOL) and he said it was too much to handle sober and got drunk.
I know he has a drinking problem, I'm not denying that at all. My Dad had one, too. He seems to think there's nothing wrong with the amount or frequency. One evening we went out with a friend to celebrate a new job. I started to feel like I was there at the restaurant, but not really there and said, "OK, that's it for me...I'm starting to not feel very well." He got very defensive and said, "Well, you are NOT telling me I have to stop just because you can't drink anymore." I weigh a whole 104 pounds soaking wet...it doesn't take much for me to get drunk. I told him he could do whatever he wanted, he was a big boy now. So, I got dropped off at his friend's house (we were visiting with him) and he and his friend went out to a few bars. They came in around 2am and my husband couldn't stand up without holding on to the walls! Can I tell you how scared that made me??? When he woke up the next day just peachy, I asked if we could limit the drinking and we fought yet again.
Funny you should bring up the impotence thing...we've had problems in that area more than not lately. I try my best to be understanding about it, I NEVER say cruel things when it happens, in fact, I tell him it's okay and we can just wait until tomorrow. I know too many women who belittle the guy they are with over this...I can't do that.
I feel so lost. He keeps asking me what's wrong tonight and I can't answer him - it's not just one thing, it's abunch of little things he and I have talked about over and over, you know? He went to get the kids from the pool hall by the way. When his daughter came in she was laughing so hard I was a fraid she was going to wet herself. I asked what was so funny and she said, "Dad is being sooooo funny right now!" so when he walked in, I had a smile on my face and he looked like he just lost his best friend. They get the fun and I get "BLECH".
I think a separation for both of us to think is on the way...I meant every vow I said when I married him and know all about the bad times, but there just aren't any good times right now. Perhaps the saying you don't know what you got til it's gone is true. Maybe if we separate, we'll both "remember" why we got married to begin with. I, by the way, am 35 and he is 41...could this also be a mid-life crisis? I don't know much about that, but it just popped into my head.
Thank you guys...I really appreciate the opportunity to be truthful here.
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