Husbands computer history is a mix of God/meditation & porn

There is a relationships section in this forum that might be better equipped for this type of thread.

To answer your question: You're married. His issues are your issues. If you're uncomfortable with it, then the two of you have a problem that should be addressed, not left to fester.

Keep in mind, he is correct in that MOST men do it. It isn't necessarily a reflection on your perceived inadequacies, but just an overall need that must be filled more times than most women care to indulge.

Yeah, what you said.

But that being said, there is such a thing as sexual addiction. I suggest reading Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, available in paperback.

You didn't say, but do the two of you have a church that you attend regularly? It could be helpful he were willing to talk to your minister about the church's view on pornography. Personally, I don't believe a person can grow closer to God while dabbling in things that God condemns. So it might be worth his getting the church's view on porn.

If you don't regularly attend a church, I would suggest outside counseling if you believe he is becoming addicted to porn. But, until he agrees that what he is doing is detrimental to your relationship or his relationship to God, there really is not too much you can do about it.

Good luck.

Thank you for the advice...especially on his issues are my issues. I chose this forum because I question if this is a spiritual issue at the core. We both believe everything relates back to the soul. I'm not a prude by any means, but the I can't imagine these constant images are nourishing his soul. But, then again who am I know know..let alone judge. So, maybe I'm the one with the blocks. Anyone have suggestions on progressive counselors or therapists?

I would just seek out your run-of-the-mill marriage therapist. They deal with these exact types of issues every day. If they're certified, they'll most likely be able to help.

Best luck.

I can see your dilemma, however, he's made it clear that he doesn't think it's wrong, which means that either he doesn't think it's wrong or he does think it's wrong but is addicted to it and can't stop so he is justifying his actions.

I would suspect the former considering it's only a few times a week and you didn't state any performance issues in the bedroom.

You need to understand that the porn isn't about you. Yes, it's hard to swallow and understand that. But it's true. The porn has nothing to do with how he perceives you. You could be the sexiest, hottest woman on the planet with the greatest sex life ever and your man might still be looking at porn on the side. Why? Because it is an activity he does for himself. It doesn't require a partner, so there is no committment to please. He does it like he'd play video games, I suspect.

If it bothers you so much, you need to be discussing this with him. Just because it's a natural thing to do and I don't personally think porn is wrong, that doesn't mean it's right for your relationship.

Good luck.

Curiosity may not have killed the cat but it does lead to porn sites.

For that matter, everything on the internet leads to porn sites.


Porn can be a help or a hindrance. How's your sex life? The real question is, is the porn a way to enhance your sex life or is it to fill in all the missing parts for him alone? This isn't just about him, it is both of you. Does he want to act out some of what he is seeing and if so are you willing to go there with him?

His religion doesn't really have much to do with it. Christians have sex. Most of them enjoy it. A lot of them experiment with different ways of doing it and making it more enjoyable. Porn can be a safe way to see what else is out there.

Communication is the key here. Do you know what his fantasies are? Just because he has them doesn't mean he wants to act them out. Porn may be a way for him to safely indulge in those fantasies. Why can't you become that safe way? This doesn't mean you have to do anything and everything he wants. There are bounderies. But simply by talking about those fantasies helps to fulfill them.

This isn't about you being inadequate or him wanting to cheat if he is the great guy you say he is. He could well be imagining doing everything he is seeing with you but feels unable to talk to you about it. It's that guy communication thing. (Sex is dirty and the woman is on a pedestal.)

Buy a copy of "The Joy of Sex" and have him mark the pages he finds interesting. He gets to do it on his own without feeling like you are going to judge him and you get to initiate the conversation or the acts at a later date. Even talking about how you are uncomfortable with certain things is a great way to get closer and more intimate.

Good answers all.

With 2-3 x a week, I don't think addiction applies here... A day, now then I'd be really worried.

My thoughts exactly. It's like saying someone who has sex 3-4 times a week is an addict.

Unless of course he's embroiled in an inner struggle to cease his addiction, in which case the 3-4 times a week denotes the number of times his resolve has broken down.

Not saying it's likely, but I like to stir the pot as it were.

You? Stir the pot? No Way!

:wink:

Thank you all for the replies. So, the consensus seems to be that looking at porn 2/3/4x's a week is not a big deal. Really? Ok... I guess I need to realize this. I thought this is a lot.
The second point of his porn surfing having nothing to do with me. This is hard believe, but I am trying to understand.
In thinking about our sex life we average 1x a week - sometimes more sometimes less. I'm totally satisfied, and this works great for me. The ratio of his porn surfing to our sex life is out of balance. This concerns me. You all said, his porn enjoyment has nothing to do with me, so what gives?
Anyway...he shows me great websites about spiritual connection/seeking, getting close to God, finding the calm within, living with gratitude, Rumi etc. All of these amazing ideas. Then, after I fall asleep he looks at porn. What is this about??? How do the worlds of mantra and porn relate. I'm having trouble seeing him as my partner/foundation on my spiritual path. This was part of our marriage vow. This is the heart of the issue. I am starting to look at him through tainted and more distant eyes.

No, I think rather the consensus was that if it's an issue with you, it's an issue that needs to be addressed by both of you.

Good point.
Thanks