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Wed 11 Jan, 2006 03:36 am
Who here is (or was) a commitment phobe? What sorts of things have you done when the feeling starts in you to run far far away? What has helped?
My bf has been mentioning the idea of moving in together for a while now. He brings it up a lot and sneaks it into all sorts of moments. He has thought it all through. He references the future with me in it. Apparently, future me is in domestic bliss in a new place with him.
It makes me want to scream "No! Not me! Uh, do you know me sir? BYE!"
And when I do/say one of my patented 'moves', the guy just backs off and waits.
Me, like a sucker, starts missing him and we have breakfast and that is that.
If I tell him to please not speak about plans for the future and whatnot (bc it is freaking me out), he respects it.
But I Know he thinks about it now. I want to talk about these things, to be able to go there, and I know I am being silly a lot.
When it comes up my first inner response is "Promises, promises. Bullshtt, bullshtt. I don't want to hear it!"
This is the best and healthiest relationship I have ever had.
And it all scares the life from me.
I am still habitually selfish, and yet I love this guy. He treats me better than I can treat myself a lot of the time.
I know he loves me.
I need a li'l help. I know it sounds stupid, but it is so.
ANY help, stories, advice, ramblings, etc. are welcome.
I don't want to screw this up.
If you want to be jerk, go ahead. :wink:
If you go off topic too badly though, I'll bitch slap ya. :wink:
uhhh. wish i could help. i used to be a commitment-phile but the older i get the more i become commitmentophobic.
but it sounds like you got your hands on a very good man. sounds, from what i read, that the work needs to be done on you. more flushd quality time with herself, realize that she is loveable, that she can be secure, that she is worthwhile, learn to let go for a bit and trust the poor man (and people in general).
That looks like a good summary.
I'm glad it's not at crisis point, that you're recognizing it's something you want to work on now. Of course, being someone who wants to live with someone else doesn't necessarily have any intrinsic value. (Whew, convoluted sentence.) That is, if you WANT to be able to be in a committed relationship and you can't seem to, it's something to work on. (Therapy might help?) But if you really want to stay on your own, that's valid, too, and it's a matter of finding someone who would be fine with that (and who may not be your current bf).
So I think it's also a matter of figuring out what you actually want -- which can be plenty complicated. (Fear has a way of skewing the equation.)
Flushd--
Define commitment objectively, according to your personal interpretation and as what you think is your bf's interpretation.
I'm a complete committment-phobe so I'm not sharing all my bad habits with you. There is only so far I can go in a relationship and then I feel suffocated and panic. I don't mind the thought of loving one man for the rest of my life, I just don't want him breathing down my neck 24-7. Now if I could only find a man who would be happy living next door to me and call me when he wants to do stuff! Ah, I'll keep dreaming.
commitment - the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action
Uh...
Thank you for responding. It clarified something for me.
I'm freaked at the commitment that already exists. Just a good old panic that I will not be able to deliver. I'll just have to tell him things need to slow a bit. My concern is for how he will feel about it. It would hurt very badly to lose him. Gotta talk to him about it now.
Exactly Heeven! I have no problem loving one man, but I like to basically keep it as two lives. He keeps his home, I keep mine. I don't want domestic bliss with a man right now.
Dag and Soz picked up on something. I need more flushd time alone. I like it. I don't want to cut my time short; I worked so hard to get it.
That is exactly where the fear comes in - I'm afraid of having that part squashed or taken over again.
Thanks.
Flushd--
Hold your dominion.
more quality flushd time alone will most likely result in a higher quality flushd time together...
keeping fingers crossed that the Man will understand.
Thanx. Panic is subsiding.
I talked to him about it. This weekend we agreed to work out the details. I feel so much better now that I brought it up. I can't live directed by 'what ifs' and this fear-based stuff. It has a way of biting me if I don't pay enough attention. I think I may have saved a pile of pain.
I'm not sure how this is all gonna work out, but it seems promising. He didn't run for the hills or get angry; so that's a good sign. He's willing to meet me somewheres in the middle. Phew.
We will see. Holding my dominion as best as can do.
Sounds like a good guy.
Good for you for facing it head-on rather than hoping it'd just kinda ya know work out...
Thx Soz!
Yeah, he is a good guy. I need to cut the man some slack. He's pretty incredible.
Flushd--
You're not slouch yourself in the Good Person department.
Keep holding.
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