Deal with the bank on a personal level

To whom it may concern;

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, faceless prerecorded entity
which your bank has recently become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me,
you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose
from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Such passwords will be communicated to your Authorized Contact at
a later time and date as is comfortable for me.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 over
again.

0. To speak live to my pet cat who is in charge of litter.
To make a general complaint or inquiry, press buttons as indicated above.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

While this may, on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman.)