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Mon 2 Jan, 2006 07:40 pm
Hello everyone, this is my first post here and I thank all of you for the advice you provide to people with problems who really need it.
Last year, I showed up at the bar where my wife works without her knowledge that I was coming. When I arrived, a male co-worker of her's gave me a very nasty look as I walked through the door. I have known this co-worker for a good while and thought this was very odd as he is a very nice guy. He doesn't work the same time she does so he comes in while she is working. Anyway, I brought it up to my wife and we got into a huge fight about it. I finally accepted that I made something out of nothing and let it go.
Recently there have been a lot of little things that have brought up more questions. I haven't said anything to her to avoid the conflict but I need someone else's opinion. I'll just state what these little things are.
She has been working later than normal for the last couple of months.
There are a lot of regulars at this bar, but she talks about this same co-worker about 90% of the time even though he doesn't work when she does.
I was at the bar not long ago and I told her a joke. The first thing out of her mouth was her asking me if I told this same co-worker because he was there.
She was very stressed because she didn't know what to get this co-worker for Christmas. She mentioned getting him Jeans (which I thought was inappropriate for a co-worker) but I don't know what she finally got him. I didn't get anything
Finally, she took a few pictures from a party that was held at the bar. I knew as soon as I started looking at these pictures that he was going to be in one of them and sure enough he was. Almost all of the other regulars were missing.
So am I just overreacting here? Are these all typical things that occur and I am blowing them out of proportion? Thanks for your help.
Overreacting? I don't think so, but I'm sure your wife needs to clear it up for you. Ask her to explain them to you in a nonaccusatory manner, because it bothers you. Otherwise, your trust in hear can only go south.
First I'd like to welcome you to A2K :-)
I'm with CI in saying that you are not overreacting. The signs are there and from where I sit, it doesn't look good.
I'd have a calm, but serious talk with her about your marriage.
I wish you the very best.
Thanks so much... we have been having problems in our marriage for a while and these little things have really been getting me down lately. I'm afraid of what the outcome will be but I have to know. Even if it's nothing.
If you can't communicate with your wife about most things under the sun, you're starting out with a handicap. If, on top of all that, you don't trust your wife, what's keeping you together?
You're very welcome. I wish I could have told you something more positive, but you found A2K and I hope you hang around :-)
I know how you are feeling. My husband has friends at work, and I get a little jealous sometimes too. He didn't get them jeans for Christmas though. I know you don't want a confrontation about it, but you should at least tell her how her friendship with this co-worker is making you feel.
I think that buying someone jeans is a little weird but not totally inappropriate. I mean, it wasn't like she was getting him underware.
However, things sound slightly shady and I don't know if I'd be ok with it either.
I think buying jeans is stepping over the line.
If you really want to know, ask.
Be prepared for a lot of denial and emotional aggression.
Also be prepared for what you plan to do if your wife is being unfaithful.
Her overreaction to your jealousy, if indeed it was her overreacting (be honest with yourself), is certainly a flag (but no more than a flag) of possible trouble. You've provided too little info for me to provide an honest opinion but this came to mind immediately.
If your sex life is healthy; you're probably worrying about nothing. People flirt and even get little crushes on people at work all the time and it's usually harmless. The fact that she openly discusses him with you should actually put your mind at ease a little (though it's never fun to hear, I'm sure).
If your sex life is unhealthy; you're probably picking up on signs she's either consciously or subconsciously putting out there to alert you that your marriage is in trouble. In this case; I'd stop worrying so much about the co-worker, anyway, and figure out what's really wrong with your marriage.
Just my 2 centsÂ… and welcome to A2K
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