Lonesome and jealous

Ask him about it. It might be nothing -- a guy I knew years ago contacted me in '02 through Classmates because he was terrified that I had somehow died on 9/11. We emailed a few times, I sent him holiday greetings, that was it. Didn't affect my marriage because the guy doesn't matter to me any more (although I don't wish him ill).

And, while you're talking to your husband, talk to him about how you need adult conversation in your life. Tell him you need him to take the kids every now and then so that you can go out with your friends a little or with family, just to get out of the house. His schedule probably would not permit you to get into anything scheduled or organized like a class, but a few visits to the gym here and there, or maybe a few sessions of a painting class, those would be helpful and get you to be a lot less dependent upon his schedule and his emails.

I am making the assumption your husband was in this business before you married... (If this is otherwise the case, please disregard most of this post)

....and I hate to be the bitch here but you married this guy knowing his career and when you married him and had kids, you agreed to live this life. You agreed to support him with this job. You agreed to be a wife and mother in this life you both chose.

I am in a similar situation and can understand your resentment and hurt. But you need to come to the realization that you married him with the knowledge that this was the way life was going to be. I know, you say you couldn't have known what the future would hold but you did know that he would be working away from home and that you would be the primary care giver.

You can tell your husband you are sad and lonely but what should he do about it? Quit his job? A good husband would be willing to quit his job for his wife. A good wife would not expect or ask her husband to do so. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, like he works 85 hours a week, is literally killing himself with his job and is ignoring his family completely. If this is the case, then you need to be upfront and honest with him and tell him that his job is becoming way to high on his list of priorities.

As for the email/IM from the other women....this is a touchy situation. One, these women are exes. Meaning, he broke up with them for reasons. I doubt he is getting together with them. Maybe he just needed a little retouch with his past. Sometimes, you just get really curious to see how the people you used to spend all your time with are doing. I would like to contact some of my exes and have absolutely no desire at all to rekindle anything with them. But because they were such a huge part of my life at one time, I'd like to know how they are doing.

My advice is to sit down and talk with him. Don't accuse or whine. But be honest and open and tell him you are feeling very neglected at home and you know his job is important to him but you need him too. If he is unwilling to even try and give you something (trying does not mean doing btw...it means making an honest attempt to do), you have problems other than being lonely.

Can you network with other SAHM's? Make play dates where the kids can play and the adults can talk like adults. Start by going to kid type events: readings at libraries, kiddy craft workshops etc. Go where other SAHM's might be. You are all in the same boat, so to speak.

You need to take more time for yourself and your husband. You both need to spend a day alone together (any grandparents around to take the kids for the day?) now and then. You should make "date" time, and your husband needs to understand it is important to you. Even if it's just dinner and a movie - make the time. If money is tight, just go for a walk and a picnic.

I think men are worse than women about holding on to their youth. I think those emails make your husband feel young and desirable again. Personally, I would not mention them. It will make him feel defensive and it could make him more secretive. Instead tell him you need him to help you feel more secure and less lonely in the marriage. Ask him for his help in becoming a happier spouse. Tell him he has the power to make you feel loved, desired and appreciated. I know we want men to read our minds, it really would be easier, but they can't - so you will have to tell him how you fell and how you want him to help fix the problem. If he still loves you he will listen and at least try and make you happy. Encourage every little effort with positive feedback so he knows you have noticed and he is doing the right thing.

Being a stay at home mom is probably one of the most crazy-making professions possible. (I've been one for the past 5 years, and have a husband who's off at conferences a lot.) I heartily second the advice to do something that helps you feel like a sane, confident adult. Maybe find some sort of volunteering commitment, or as Green Witch notes find some simpatico families in your area (stay at home moms or dads).

One of the most difficult things about stay-at-home-momhood is trying to keep a sense of self rather than just defining yourself in terms of others (your kid[s], your husband). Difficult but very possible.

When you feel more centered and stable, this stuff is less likely to bother you.

You can also come here for adult conversation when you have a bit of time -- well, occasionally it's adult. ;-)

Hi Red Sonja,

I agree that you need to make some time for you and your own growth as a seperate person. I reckon that if you can find a way to do this, the jealousy and such will disappear.

Definetly talk to your hubby about it. Just let him know you are going to be making arrangements for your own things. Work out a way to do this that works for the whole family. And date your man. Yeah, that should definetly be a priority!

First, your husband has a myspace account!??! LMAO How old are you?

Secondly, you are obviously having communication issues in your relationship and need to discuss your concerns with your husband, not an anonymous group of individuals on the internet.

If what you say is true and your husband leaves on extended trips without communicating while gone, your relationship is in serious trouble. I strongly encourage you to take your concerns to your husband and also to join some club/organization where you can interact with other adults while your husband is away. Best of luck.

Thanks for all the good advice. I told my hubby about my feelings and he was very understanding. We are going to get a babysitter once a month so that we can go out on a monthly date. Also, I plan on joining a gym while he spends more time with the kids. I think that time to be myself again will definately help. Bubba Gumbo I am 29 and my hubby is 30-I know what you mean. Great stuff if you are in high school!

Sounds good, Red Sonja!

Joining a gym covers all kinds of bases at once; not only having some time to yourself (valuable no matter what it is that you're doing) but the specific benefits of exercise including more energy, lifted spirits (I haven't found anything better for chasing away blues) and more confidence about how you look. Good decision!