Question on Trust

I think that it is a combination of both. In order for a person to trust in the first place, he has to believe that basically, most people are trustworthy. There are some folks who look for deceit everywhere..............and when they find it, it simply reinforces their idea that people are basically untrustworthy.

Given a person with a healthy concept about integrity, trust within a couple is built over time, with each person in the partnership creating a "track record".

Thank you for your reply. Another questions, do you feel someone who has been unfaithful in the past in a 26 year marriage, someone who truly enjoys porn to the point they tape every episode from cinemax, someone you have heard lie about your relationship to others can be a trustworthy person? But has lied about the relationship in the past because he wasn't ready for it to come out. He tells me if I don't trust him we don't have anything, but I feel because of his past I have reason to not trust. I have been going to counseling once a week to help me with my trust issues. The counselor feels it is partly me because of my past and self esteem but also feels if he wants to be a part of my life he should show me I can trust him. My counselor tells me his past has a lot to do with my distrust, I don't want to make him pay for his past with me. Help me to overcome this gut pain I feel inside. My friends tell me I seem stressed all the time, I have been sick more this year than I ever have and my friends and family are worried about me. I think I am bringing all this on myself and want to make it go away.

trfirst - If what I quoted from you was written by someone else, and you read it, what would you think?

It sounds like you have a serious problem. If you would care to be a little more specific, and let us know what you want, perhaps we can help.

I have been in this relationship for a while now, I have posted before regarding this relationship. But since those last posts things have changed a lot. He does take me out now in front of his friends, we even went to a party this weekend together. I love this man with all my heart and he says he loves me as well, I am so afraid of being hurt like his ex wife has been by him. He left his wife after close to a 30 year relationship, they have two young adult kids together, they dated all through High School, college and then got married. He had everything with her, a past, two kids, many friends and a healthy financial situation. He left her because he said he fell out of love with her, he admitted to me he had an affair on her about 9 years ago. I know how much he enjoyed going to the strip clubs while married to her, he doesn't go much now though. We started seeing each other before the divorce was final and I have gotten a lot of heat from this. It has all came down on me with his family and friends to blame instead of him, I have struggled with this terribly because I know the truth about us and the truth about his past. They all think he is this wonderful man who would never leave his family unless manipulated into it. This is so far from the truth and I sat back and let them think this to protect his past.

I have been single now for 7 years and I believe I have found the person I am compatible with, socially we are perfect for each other, we have so many things in common and we both love to have fun, we sit and talk so well together. I am truly in love with this man and am so afraid of loosing the one person I thought I would never find.

Downside to this is in the back of my mind it stays with me that he has cheated before,he has lied to his ex so badly that if it were me I could never forgive him. He is not this way with me and tells me he was like this with her because he was so unhappy. I want to believe this and I want to believe he loves me and will be faithful to me like he says he will, but unfortunately I have my doubts. I want this to go away and you may not be able to help me make it go away but I wanted some different opinions. One because my counselor tells me I should consider his past and that I have reason to feel the way I do , but the person I am involved with tells me to trust him that he loves me and has finally found happiness. How do I just trust him and leave his past in the past.

Smart counselor. Do you think that this man will tell you that he is a cheat and a liar? The only way that you can tell is to take a "wait and see" attitude. Don't make any committments, and watch how the relationship develops. Keep your eyes and ears open.

I can certainly understand how you feel. You have been alone for 7 years, and this man seems to be what you are looking for. The important thing though, is that you protect yourself so that you don't get hurt.

I know what your saying, the difficult part is I know if something goes bad I already will get hurt. But believe me I am keeping my eyes and ears open, I know I need to get the "I will be fine without him attitude", its just hard when you have a love for someone like I do him.