Hello Everyone,
I found this forum in a search for some answers to a unique situation I find myself in.
Let me explain, i divorced this year after 23 years, the divorce process took me nearly two years to work through and come back into the light.
Thankfully everybody involved is OK, I have remained great friends with my ex and have 2 grown daughters and I am looking forward to the future with great anticipation now.
My ex wife and I met back in 1981 and at that time I dumped my current girlfriend who was 16 then for my ex wife.
now life is so strange, about 7 yrs ago a dear friend showed me a pic of my ex girlfriend, she ended up marrying the son of his neighbour, (still with me I hope), now purely by chance a month or so ago during my Christmas visit to my elderly friend, just as I was leaving he informed me that my ex girlfriend sadly lost her husband.
So I wrote to her and we have met now on two occasions with more dates planned. her Husband passed over only 5 months ago but my ex and I seem still to have that old chemistry from 25 years ago which is lovely.
I fully understand her position and will be as patient as it takes, because I don't want to lose her again, she has forgiven me dumping her all those years ago and like a young fool back then I didn't realise how much she thought of me.
She remembers everything about our relationship back then as if it were yesterday and still has our photos.
Any advice please, she has lots of anger at the moment with the big man upstairs and lots of regular guilt feelings. Her family seem supportive and protective and her daughter from her first marriage has met one of mums exs, (me),on the first occasion we went out.
After my two years of darkness and back into my light I can offer my lost love all the help and support she wishes, my feelings for her now are very very strong, your comments would be very much appreciated.
Thank you all and nice to meet you.
Contracthireman.
Welcome to the Monkey House--please keep your arms and hands inside the windows, and don't feed the animals . . . we bite . . .
0 Replies
Chai
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 07:49 am
mmmmm yes, I agree with Set.
She needs time to grieve. Not everyones timetable for grieving is the same.
Just be there for her.
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contracthireman
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 07:51 am
Hi Setanta,
Obviously Setanta.
I have many years wisdom on many matters including friendship and love but never with this mix of ingredients before.
I imagine many others have, that's why I'm here.
thanks for your comments and good to meet you.
Contracthireman.
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contracthireman
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 07:54 am
Thank you Chai tea.
I feel I have come back into her life for a reason, is it to help her through her first bum christmas with some distraction of fun away from her christmas grief.?
If so are presents from me the right thing to do?
Thanks,
Contracthireman
0 Replies
Phoenix32890
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 07:58 am
I agree with Setanta. This was probably the worst time for her to have rekindled your friendship. After being married for a couple of decades, she need lot of time...........not only to grieve, but to reinvent herself as a single. She needs to learn about whom she is as a person.
Having you around, with all the ancient baggage that it entails, will do nothing but complicate matters for her. You have had two years to work through whatever issues you had after the dissolution of your marriage. She has only been widowed for five months.
If you really care for her, IMO you need to back off, and allow her to heal. If, after a time, you both still care about each other, fine. But if I were you, I would keep your relationship as light as possible, for now.
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Chai
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 07:59 am
Oh yes
perhaps a book, a cd?
Not putting the cart before the horse, but I loaned one of my favorite books to a new friend, because of of a conversation we had.
Afterwards, we discussed it, and it was the very first step in finding out we had a lot in common. Now we've been married 13 years.
Don't push it though.
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Phoenix32890
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 08:00 am
I agree with Chai. A gift would be fine, but nothing too personal..............just something that you would buy for a friend.
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Chai
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 08:02 am
Yeah, like phoenix said, don't complicate her life, however, I see nothing wrong with a simple gift, like above.
I believe in planting seeds and letting them grow on their own, in their own time.
you need to give her time.
0 Replies
Setanta
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 08:06 am
Love is a rose but you better not pick it
Only grows when it's on the vine
Handful of thorns and you'll know you've missed it
Lose your love when you say the word mine . . .
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contracthireman
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 08:11 am
Thanks so far everyone, funny, the gifts are a DVD of an old film we saw together years ago that she mentioned in detail when we were out?? plus a novelty gift of a current TV character she laughs at.
laughter is so important to bring back.
0 Replies
Chai
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Fri 23 Dec, 2005 08:28 am
errrr, don't know about the dvd. she's gonna relate that to romantic feelings toward you.
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contracthireman
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Sun 25 Dec, 2005 10:54 am
When DOES grieving start??
What's the forums opinion re when grieving actually starts, if the late partner was diagnosed some five years or so ago as terminally ill and my friend then takes a "carer" role change, does a form of grieving actually begin at the news of terminality or at the actual end??
Does preparation for end begin the grieving??
Thank you all for your comments.
0 Replies
BlaiseDaley
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Sun 25 Dec, 2005 12:33 pm
As the others have said, go slow. It's been twenty four years since the two of you had a relationship, waiting a bit longer isn't going to hurt anything. The two of you having a second chance together as adults who have thought everything out fully is worth some patience on your part now.
As for pre-event grieving, I don't know. Much changes; schedules, routines, the house is empty, the phone calls from well wishers, paperwork, making it through the first round of holidays and anniversaries... the reality versus the supposition of what it will be like and realizing you didn't have a clue as what to expect... I don't reckon there is full way to prep for all that. And now some wiley rascal from the Thatcher years reappaears... deliverance or distraction?... ya got me.
Be a friend first and wait for the rest.
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contracthireman
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Mon 26 Dec, 2005 03:13 pm
Bless you BlaiseDaisy,
Your words taken in, plus you have a beautiful knack of bringing in some humour, I'm holding my breath?
Happy New Year everyone, I never really was a Wiley Thatcherite,just a big softee with a big heart.
Cheers all.
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contracthireman
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Mon 26 Dec, 2005 03:14 pm
Sorry Blaisedaly,
Apologies for getting your name wrong.
CHM
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BlaiseDaley
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Mon 26 Dec, 2005 05:24 pm
CHM- Thanks for the kind words. I hope things go well for you in the coming new year. So, how was the gift received? And no worries about the name thing.
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contracthireman
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Mon 16 Jan, 2006 06:18 pm
Signs of moving on?
Hello everyone,
Happy New Year to you all, many things have happened since my last message and I would like your comments on a few.
Mainly, signs to watch for re progress through grieving.
These are some happenings over the past month, Diana(pseud) has done the following:
Dressed up for 2 evenings out very very smart.
Cleared garden of dead flowers, had not been in garden since her late husband passed in the summer and commented "I" will be very proud of her.
Laughs a lot more in company of 3 special friends(inc me)
Started clearing paperwork.
Came to my family party inc the ex at Christmas.
Invited me to her house on New Years Eve with her family present.
getting involved in my move into my new property and design etc.
Holds the farewell hug longer.
Keeps me mainly private to her.
Happy to look at job with my company.
Your thoughts on these signs please, and thank you all for your early guidance.
Next phase,?
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