Problem with my dad.

I think there is a middle ground, between the extremes you mention. I think you can talk to him about it without making any demands -- not say, "Your girlfriend makes me uncomfortable so break up with her," but more like, "Obviously you can date whomever you'd like, but I have to say the fact that she's so young makes me really uncomfortable."

There might not be a neat solution, but talking about it might make you feel better, and could head off some more serious problems later. (As in if you don't want to see him because you're so uncomfortable and he doesn't know why and is hurt...)

PrincessYanu- I can understand how you feel, but after all, it is your dad's life. Considering that you have, in the past, had a poor relationship with your father, if I were you, I would not bring the subject up. Not knowing your father, I would not know what his reaction would be, and I would not want you to to shake up an already tenuous relationship.

Didn't you recently say on Jack Webbs thread that your boyfriend is quiiiiiiiite a bit older than you?

Why is that ok for you, but not your dad?

Yeah, I'm going to await an answer to Chai's question before I give input...I think much depends on how you justify this seeming double-standard...

<I cross-linked from JaxWeb so we won't miss this>

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1740701&highlight=#1740701

What is it that they say about "sauce for the goose"???

Isn't that more for peer pairings than father/ daughter dynamics, though?

A woman may enjoy sex very much and still be uncomfortable thinking about her dad having sex -- that might be illogical, but there often isn't a lot of logic involved when it comes to feelings.

As long as she's not demanding anything of him, I think she's allowed to feel whatever she feels, and then just figure out the best way to deal with it.

Ooooooh! ....but you women are good.



You should start a Detective Agency.

Well, I have to say, yes my boy friend is alot older than me, but he is not even close to my fathers age. Or my mothers even for that matter.
I'm 21, my boyfriend is going on 30.


The main thing on my mind...
Even though I know my dad is NOT any sort of pervert, I feel uncomfortable being around him and his girlfriend, especially if my friends are there.

Another thing, after I posted this my sister called me, and it turns out she has a really big issue with this too. We both realise that we dont have any say in how my dad lives his life, but we want to see him you know.
We are both really uncomfortable around his girlfriend and they are ALWAYS together now.

And as far as mine and my dads relationship goes before last year, there was completely zip. Not bad, not good. Just not talking.
In the past year though, he has told me how he wants us to be open and honest with eachother all the time, but I really dont think he knew it would come up like this.

I dont necessarily want my dad to stop dating this woman, it's not like that.
I just want to try and get my dad to understand, I need ALOT more time before I'm going to be able to accept his girlfriend and feel comfortable around her. I want to still hang out with my dad though.
Neither me or my sister have any ideas of how to do that without alot of feelings being hurt. If we tell my dad this, it will obviously come up with his girlfriend, and then she's going think I don't like her when really I do.

Basically this is already ruining our relationship, in my opinion.
I haven't been to my fathers house in a week and he is starting to feel snubbed so he doesnt call and invite anymore. Something has to be done, my sister agrees.
I just need to figure out the least hurtful way to do it........

Thank you Princess.

You have made a happy man very old.

I can understand having strong feelings in regards to this situation. Have you talked through (with a friend maybe) your feelings about this? Do you have a strong sense of what it is you are actually upset about?

Seeing how your relationship with your dad is in a fragile spot right now, I would tread carefully. This is, after all, about you and your dad right?! The focus should be on building a strong relationship with him (if that is what you want, and it seems that is so) and opening up strong lines of communication.
Thoughtful, respectful expression of your feelings and thoughts are okay.

Can 30 yr old men still get it up? Damn, that's old!! :wink:

I can't remember!

I've been talking about it alot with my sister and we have a bit of an idea.


My sister and my dad have always had a really good relationship, she grew up with him when I grew up with my mom.
She is having problems dealing with this too. So we figure maybe she should bring it up with him, and when it's all out there in the open it will be alot easier for me to talk about with him.

I brought this up with my mom also, and she thinks that I should have sort of a "practice talk" with my stepdad first. Obviously it wont be the same or anything, but it will help me practice what I'm going to say.


I dont't want anyone here to think that I'm a selfish little b*tch or anything, and can't stand seeing my dad happy. I just want my dad to be happy, and for us to continue building our relationship. This might not seem like such a big deal to alot of you, but it's really tearing me up.

How do you think your father is going to react, PYanu?
You've posted that you have a boyfriend who is much older than you are.
Why should different rules apply to your father than to you?

Her boyfriend isn't that much older. She's 21, he's 30. But it was the other thing in her post that stood out to me.
..."he's a guy, I'm a girl, we get along great, the sex is satisfying...what more is there to a relationship?"

If that's right for Pyanu, why can't it be right for her father as well?

Alot of times, there's no logic in these kinds of feelings. No justification. But is it just the age thing that bothers you or is there something more?

Unless you think that you are wiser than your father or that he is so smitten that he can't think straight, let it be. In view of your previously stated less than ideal relationship, any interfering or negative suggestions will probably lead to a worsening relationship.

This seems eminently reasonable to me, people:



She's not laying down any rules or insisting that he break up with this woman. She's plain uncomfortable, and wants to deal with that somehow, and wants the method of dealing she chooses to be the least hurtful possible.

All she's getting is "double standard" -- even if it applies (I don't think it does, here, for a few reasons), how is she supposed to make use of that? Just stop feeling what she's feeling? That would be a useful skill, but not many people have it.

She's uncomfortable enough as-is that she either stops visiting her father -- her current solution -- or visits and tips her hand as I'm sure the discomfort would become apparent.

Talking to him about it -- with lots of "I" language indicating that it's her problem and not his, and with sensitivity -- would seem the best way out of this problem.

PY, I know these things are rarely simple but what is the basic reason for the difficult relationship you've had with your father? Is it more on his side (things he did or didn't do when he was raising you) or more on your side (rebellious/ ugly teen + aftermath, whatever)? If it's more on your side I'd tread more carefully.

You and your sister talking sounds good, but one thing to be careful of is the two-against-one factor. If your position is that he of course has the right to do what he wants but you just want to express that it makes you uncomfortable, the criticism will be magnified by having it be both of you, and he's more likely to be defensive.

I just re-read and saw that it was your sister who was raised by him while you were raised by your mom -- I could see how that would make for a difficult relationship.

Does your sister have a good relationship with him? If so, then I'd re-think the tag-teaming thing, as her presence might actually make things go more smoothly.