just want to talk

Sorry just forgot to say something.

I just feel like i have been living my life for someone else my whole life and never for me. I just feel like i want to live for me. But then i feel like an a@*hole for that.

Welcome to A2K, very confused. It appears to me that your feelings are normal, to an extent. I don't have a lot of advice, but I do understand the desire to want to do things that just you want -- and then feeling like a selfish prick for that. Have you talked to your wife about these feelings?

Yes and she said that was fine so a couple nights ago we go to watch monday night football and have a couple beers with my sister and her boyfriend and she got mad because i wasnt paying her any attention when the whole time i was sitting right beside her and talking to her to. So we talked again and she said to do whatever made me happy whether we stayed together or not but of course she would preferr we stay together.

Is there something you've wanted to do that's more long term, like going back to school or travelling or playing recreational sports on a local team? Maybe you could find an outlet for your unsatisfaction.

Hi. I too am new to this website but not to the situation you are describing. I am a 30 yr old woman and four years ago I thought I had it all, a great job, a great husband and we purchased our first house. His job sucks but he has been there 17 years, yes 17!! He was a big drinker when we met and I was a little bit but not like him, I wasn't into the whole bar thing. Four years ago we were robbed at gunpoint and nothing will get your attention faster than that! I had a hard time after that. I knew Mark wasn't happy in our marriage and neither was I, we were ready to call it quits when I got news from my doctor that my heart was not working right, many tests and opinions later, I had to leave my job (that I loved) and now I am at home all day...over the last four years I started therapy (which I didn't beleive in when I started) but I was lucky enough to find the right person to help me see how much I was trying to make Mark into the man I wanted him to be not who he really is and because I wasn't listening to him and he wasn't listening to me noting would ever change...sounds like you might be at that point where you need to change for yourself and you want her to accept you, not who she wants you to be. My advice, be patient and clear with what you want but also compromise with her so she doesn't feel left out, like we watch football and after the games are over, Mark sits with me and we play a game or talk or just cuddle! It has taken some time, alot of patience and effort but if you really love her and want to make your marriage work, compromise and communication are the key...It is a struggle everyday to make sure that I don't fall into the trap of old behaviors but I can only control MY ACTIONS, not his...much to my dismay sometimes...lol.

Hope this helps, feel free to write back!

Welcome to A2K lovescats. That was really good advice.

Thanks Ducklet...I belong to a number of yahoo groups but nothing like this...What a wonderful resource for a misc. of issues and topics!!! It is like one big library packed with people just to help you...lol! This was a topic I certainly understand and am trying to find my way through.

PS...my sister and neice live in Hotlanta too, they are in transit to come here for the holidays!

<off topic> lovescats, come join us in the Cat Room! http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=9408&start=2640

Always nice to see another catlover there!

I've lived through this!
1) your feelings are "normal"
2) her asking you to improve things that are needing improving sounds like love. I mean if she said the opposite, like, you need to start smoking pot or dress messier, I would wonder WTF???
3) only one bad thing on her part and that is feeling left out even when she is in the room. She obviously needs a lot of attention. That would bug me too. Ask yourself and look at your own behavior, Why does she feel left out? If you can find any responsibility in it of yours, accept that. Sounds to me like you said you were next to her the whole time though.
4)I was in a co-dependent relationship and you may be too. Do some research on co-dependency. Don't make any hasty decisions that you may regret later man. The pain of a loss that may seem necessary is horrible. A marriage is worth working on and trust that if you don't do everything in your power (counseling, quitting drugs, working on communication, research, self-reflection and whatever else that may help) and throw away this marriage it may haunt you for a long time. Anyway do what you can to make it work!!! Good luck!!!

Man this is really tuff i just don't know what to do we have been trying to work things out but alot of me and part of her feels that the damage is already done. She asked me the other night if we should just cut our losses and call it quits. I told her no that everything was gonna be alright. Let's just not talk about it and let everything get back to normal but still everyday she asked me about it and i would just give her a short response and change the subject. Well then she got home and confronted me about it and i told her the more she talked about it the more it would be on my mind. She could not understand that. Well we got over that and then i had a problem i have never had before in my life last night in the bed (you know) performance wise and now she is all worried again. I don't know i kind of feel like i will not be able to make her happy again until i am happy with myself so i feel like i should let her go live her life instead of sitting around worring about me, you know alot of me feels like right now i don't deserve her love.

Well thanks again for all of yawls time

Yep, things as they are now won't get much better. You have two choices.

1) Cut your losses, split up, find what makes you happy and go for it.

2) Find what makes you happy and go for it. Then see whether it makes you marriage worse or better.

You see the common denominator.

I agree!
Man oh man. This is tough. I've been there. Dude go get counseling. The weed is like alcohol. THere is nothing so bad that weed can't make it worse! Drop it before you drop her. And as for the advice of finding what makes you happy. I totally disagree. Obviously the happiness was with her at some point. Something in YOU must've changed. So why not attempt to repair yourself. Happiness comes from within. You may be depressed, insecure or have chronic low self-esteem. If you looked for things outside of yourself to find happiness you will always wind up falling short. Find happiness in yourself and then you will find more happiness and contentment with the things outside of yourself. If you are unhappy inside, everything outside of yourself will be a mirror reflection of that!! Finally, you said you ignoring things and not wanting to talk about them, hoping they would repair themselves and get back to "normal". This is the worst thing you can do. It will build resentment and the original problems will still be there. You have to talk them out. Don't underestimate the power of counseling. DO IT! It really works for a lot of people. Go with your wife. Don't quit on this. TRUST ME. You will regret it later! Almost any damage in anything is repairable if you just put the time in to fix it. Don't expect miracles. The only thing harder than a relationship is parenting. They both take an immense amount of hard work and dedication. When the going gets tough, you gotta get tougher. Don't give up man. She's worth fighting for!

First off like i said it is not the weed if have not touched weed in 3 1/2 years second i went to counseling all they wanted to talk about was my damn childhood i don't need to talk about that i wanted to talk about the fact that i never thought about my happiness from step one i have done everything to make her happy never really anything for myself and i just don't think i did any of this for the right reason. I guess maybe we should have talked about it before but she thinks when you get married you never do anything alone ever again you spouse is now your best freind and you do everything together she says that guy freinds and hanging out is a kid thing well screw that your telling me because im 23 i can't have friends and go visit them in my home town without her with me no i don't think so. As far as depression and low self esteem neither of those are an issue with me first of shrinks or pshyciotrist however you spell it are a load of crap if your depressed get happy end of story you don't need drugs or therapist to tell you what is wrong. My only problem right now is i have never had a decision on my happiness effect anyone elses life. But thanks for the reply

You seem very angry and defensive!
Ok so your off weed. That's good. So you say your not depressed.
Then you say all they want to do is talk about your childhood. You can't just push it aside. If a professional derives from talking to you that you have a problem in your childhood, you need to deal with it no matter how bad it hurts. If not your problems will never go away. They will haunt you over and over.
Although I think you should have some alone time, I essentially feel what your wife said is right. You should do things the majority of time with her. She should be your best friend. You shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness though. It should be a list of endless compromise. Your a team. Maybe you are just not ready to commit like you thought you were when you got married. If thats the case, you should definitely separate. However, ask yourself, what were the feelings you had when you first decided to marry? Did you really intend on spending the rest of your life with her? If the answer is no, then move on. If the answer is yes, then you should still work on your mixed up feelings now. Anger is a side effect of an issue you have pushed aside. If you were resolute in your feelings anger would not be an issue.
You say that shrinks and psychiatrists are not the answer. Well obviously you don't know the answer or you wouldn't feel this way. You are feeling like a normal 23 year old. If you have an issue from a professional stand point, it doesn't matter if you ditch her or visit your friend alone. It seems obvious something is bothering you and you have some issue to deal with. You can't run from your problems forever and continue to blame your unhappiness on someone else. Then you go on to say your decision for happiness never affected anyone else. I believe you shouldn't be making decisions on your own, without consulting her. Does she do the same to you? You seem to think your missing out on something. Why would you want to go to your hometown without her? Are you hiding something? Anyway, I could go on. Something has you angry. I could keep throwing a dart at the dartboard as to why your angry and discontented until I hit it. I won't though. I don't know your whole life story, but, what I do know is that you married a girl you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and now for the sake of "happiness" you are willing to throw that away. WHAT IS HAPPINESS? Doing what you want, when you want, without anyone elses' say so? That sounds awful self-centered. Not the thought of a married, committed man. GOOD LUCK!!!

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at 23. I think your concern about yourself is worthy of attention and valid. Maybe you do need to spend some time and energy simply investing in You. There is nothing wrong with that. You can already see in your own life how a drained you=less than happy relationships. You matter and deserve your attention.

Right now you are married. You really do have 2 choices:
Work on the problem while staying in the marriage.
Or
Leave the marriage and work on the problem.

Consider both courses of action to yourself. Both present challenges.

Are you willing to allow your wife to support, love, and help you to figure it all out? Or do you see her as an obstacle in your way right now?

Good wishes to you.

Flushid!
Wow. Very good. I was attempting to be as concise and articulate, however, you did a much better job than I. So I'm with Flushid! Great advice!