Thu 22 Dec, 2005 11:39 am
1.When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
2.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
3.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
4.Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
5.Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
have increased 13,000 percent.
6.There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
7.There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
8.It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him.
9.Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
10.When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it
a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
11.Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually
list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that
12.If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraskaand burns the entire
13.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
14.Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
15.Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
16.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
17.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trailhis family does not die from cholera
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregonbefore you.
18.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
19.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
20.A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
21.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
22.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
23.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
24.Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
25.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
26.After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshimarather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
27.Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
28.Chuck Norris is currentlysuing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and
29.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
you may be only seconds away from death.
30.One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to death by Chuck Norris.
31.Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.
32.Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
33.Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before
34.Once Chuck Norris was knighted by the queen of England. When the queen
performing the ceremony, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her in the face and
stole her tiara. He now wears it when he plays polo with Prince Charles
every Thursday as a reminder.
35.Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
36.Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch
Some more Chuck Norris facts:
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris,
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
So.... uh... waddya think a girl would have to do to get a date with Chuck Norris?
I'm asking for a friend.
ok, I'll bite, did I miss something somewhere's else?
Chai Tea wrote:
ok, I'll bite, did I miss something somewhere's else?
I wouldn't ask questions like that about Chuck Norris.
Unless you wanted a roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.
ohhhhh, he would kick me in the face.
Chuck Norris took your virginity?!
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.
It's a little known fact the story of Johnny Applseed was based on Norris...except for the part about planting apple seeds, and raping men.
Norris has a toenail on the end of his penis.
Norris's mom gave birth to a 48oz T-bone steak. The afterbirth was sauteed mushrooms.
They have used Chuck Norris's foreskin as a tarp at Yankee stadium during rain delays.
You should see what's on the end of his big toe....
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the blackness out of Michael Jackson. The obsession with young boys came later, as a side effect.
Chuck Norris has an obsession with young boys?
Chuck Norris has long been a hero of mine.