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Thu 15 Dec, 2005 05:40 pm
the other night while we were in vegas watching tv, i asked my boyfriend what games he had on his phone and he told me. i said oh can i see. he said no, and got defensive. later the next day, i forgot my phone in the room, I asked to use his to call my dad to ask about the football team he wanted me to bet on. my boyfriend said no. i went all the way back to the room to get my phone.
in his sleep he calls out the name Jane Doe1 , i thought he said my name, but he then repeats the name Jane Doe1.
this does not sit right with me, and i wonder. so i did the un thinkable
I look at his cell phone while he was in the shower and there were text pages from him to Jane Doe1:
Jane Doe1 --u r so sweet
my boyfriend -- like chocolate, wanna taste? (:
Jane Doe1 --when u cuming back from vegas?
my boyfriend --lots of build up
my boyfriend -- i need a Jane Doe1 bj !! lol (:
later while we were at breakfast I ask him who Jane Doe1 is. He tell me he does not know a Jane Doe1 . I say you said her name in your sleep. He insists he does not know a Jane Doe1. I drop it since we are flying home. yesterday we are discussing things and he insists he does not know a Jane Doe1... and then he turns the whole thing on me, telling me that i dont trust himdon'tat I am punishing him for my ex's mistakes (6 year relationship, we were negaged and liengagedgether, he cheated on me) and so forth...
today, he decides to end things with me because neither one of us are happy and we both are hurting.
he then calls me and i say to him "you know i know that you know a Jane Doe1. I told him that i snooped thru his cell. I am not proud but now i know that you are lying to me and that you have something going on with another woman. who is Jane Doe1? "
he replies that she is a friend, and that nothing is going on with them. I ask do you always solicit bjs from friends. he said yes, but we were only joking around. he was waiting for me to admit I snooped thru his phone...
he then says that he cant trust me and that he no longer wants to talk with me
am i wrong? did i go too far??
he refuses to talk about things....
We have been together in an exclusive relationship (so i thought) for the last 7 months. I did get involved with him shortly after my other relationship broke up, and he knows what happened in my last relationship and that I have major trust issues.
Can this be fixed? should i give him time?
He's been cheating on you. You found out. Move on now before you invest any more time on this dog.
he has no concern for you what so ever didnt he just prove that?, forget the slapper move on
OK in the big scheme of things 7 mos is not long.
I think snooping through his phone was wrong, however, when he was confronted with the truth he denied it, then he finally admitted it. This is what you have said.
To me, it's kinda simple. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you(because know he knows you will probably go through his phone again and he can't hide anything) so, go your seperate ways and learn to build trust again.
Don't fret about looking at his cell phone...I mean, don't make a habit of it or anything
And try not to let your mistrust harm your next relationship now that you've had two bad experiences...But don't beat yourself up for snooping this time, after all, you were right to check, weren't you?
I think your instincts told you that you had to protect yourself because he wouldn't be honest with you, so you had to take matters into your own hands to find out the truth. You had every right to know what was going on.
Where do I go from here!
I'd drop him now.
HE can't trust YOU?
That's a laugh.
You were obviously already suspicious.
You shouldn't have snooped but this guy is a dog.
Don't even try to fix it. The guy is a jerk.
You're so naive if you believe him when he said he was joking about the BJ.
Naive maybe...but more likely she subconsciously knows the truth but is just afraid to admit it.
No fix-ey!! Don't just walk away, kick him in the rump and get properly angry. Get it out of your system and move on. What an a$$. You don't need him.
Where do you go from here? Anywhere you want to - without the self-centered, lying, untrustworthy, disrespectful creep.
Did you have concerns prior to the Vegas trip or was everything peachy keen? Regardless, as others have stated, he hid things from you, lied about it and then took the opportunity to throw it back on you. What would you tell your best friend if she were in this spot?
Re: Where do I go from here:
He said the name Jane Doe1 in his sleep? Are you improvising to cover up the real name or is this the name he actually said in his sleep? Because I find it hard to believe that he's cheating on you with someone he knows as Jane Doe1. He'd be cheating on a Sally, or a Sid depending on which way he swings, but not a Jane Doe1. He would say the woman's real name in his sleep.
Besides, 7 months isn't a committed relationship. Unless you're engaged you both have the rite to date as many people as you want. If you don't like that, he's not the guy for you because he obviously does like it that way. He won't change so don't even go down that road. Once a cheater, always a cheather.
Thank you all. We have spoken a few times, and it has been very heartfelt. But the trust is gone...
I had no concerns prior to Vegas. He has female friends. I have male friends. No biggie. He jokes with most of his friends sexually....
JaneDoe1 is not her real name, and I had never heard of this female prior to the sleep thing.
He has apologized and wants to work things out, however, I am not sure. Do I love him? Yes. Does he love me? Not so much if he could be sneaky and hide things. Will things work out? who knows.
He is the one coming to me... I am not contacting him.
Thank you all for advice!!!
Good.. Now cut him out of your life. Don't have any contact with him until you're REALLY over him (if you still feel like having him in your life, that is).
He took advantage of you and as much as you love him, if you go back to him now, you're asking for him to repeat. Let go, it's the best thing to do.
And take some time before you jump into your next relationship. Get your own needs fulfilled for once
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