Am I overreacting?

Your not over reacting at all!!!Its little things like that that can be most annoying, especially the fact that all he cares about is making sure that HE gets to work on time and not the delay it causes for you afterwards.

Either say to him, not making a big deal of it, say 'I keep being late due to traffic so you need to be ready by x time'.

Or, if he isnt ready by the time you need to go just say/shout out, 'Im leaving in 1 minute if you want a lift'.If he is not ready, just go.

He's not considering you so why should you consider him.
Would be nice if he helped out with getting your kid ready too!

I agree with material girl. Have you discussed this with your husband? I am afraid, that some men are absolutely clueless about things like this. You really need to spell it out to them.

If he has a car, why in the world does he have to put more pressure on you? Tell him that you are finding this arangement too difficult for you, and stop coddling him!

I don't see the problem. You have to leave by 7:40 or 7:45, leave by 7:45. Period.

Explain the reasons clearly, and without resentment in tone - just realistically.

Of added interest is how much of the work goes to you, handmaiden of the house.

No, you're not overreacting. You're being taken advantage of and unless you point it out to your husband he probably won't have a clue. I don't mean to say he's being inconsiderate, it more likely that he's assuming you're going to tell him if you have a problem with it.

Mars and Venus, all over again.

If it's causing you to be late, let him know you'll be leaving at time X and if he's not in the car, the he'll have to get himself to the busstop or drive to work. It doesn't have to be antagonistic, just let him know what impact it's having on your day and be done with it.

Good luck!

I agree completely with what's been said. You should not feel like you are overreacting. However, and MG please don't take offense because I respect you and quite a bit of what you say, the above quote is just plain wrong.

If you are in a marriage that you want to have work out (and why would anyone would enter a marriage they do not wish to work?) then the "eye for an eye" schtick is right out. If you feel he's not respecting your schedule, mention it to him and let him know that it's a rather big deal for him. But under no circumstances should you lower yourself to doing what he is doing. That is the fast-track to a dysfunctional marriage.

Talk with him, explain it to him. If he refuses to listen then just let him know that you will be leaving at 7:45. If he is ready by then, you'll happily give him a ride. If not, he'll need to take his car. If this becomes an issue then I would suggest counselling for the both of you so that you can work through what the real problem is, because this insignificant bout would only be a symptom of something larger.

Cheers and best luck!

Questioner.. great point. "Eye for an eye" does not work in a marriage. Stating what one needs clearly works though and works amazingly well.

I did talk to him once he got back from work and he told me he will be ready by the time I was ready to leave. And he kept his words.

What I regret most is getting upset and snapping at him in the morning when he was late. I should have instead just stayed clam and talked to him when he got back from work.

ossobuco, my DH is not a morning person. But he helps me out a great deal in the nights when he is back from work. He works longer hours than me and his work is way more stressful than mine. So I let him be a little relaxed in the mornings.

Phoenix, He has a 1 hour drive each way to his work through very heavy traffic routes, which was building up the stress even more. He was resenting driving for such long hours. So I suggested him the bus. It is way more comfortable. If he is availing the bus, he can catch up on his work on his laptop and take some calls on the way as well or he may just decide to doze off for a while. Bus is much more convenient for him than car.

J_B, he is not the kind of person who will take advantage over me. But as you and phoenix mentioned, he is completely clueless about smaller things . I need to tell him every small thing alphabet by alphabet."Mars and Venus" - I don't know but when I get angry I repeat this phrase over and over again to get past that anger .

Well, good to hear he is not an advantage taker, quite the opposite, I guess. We hear about so many advantage takers here, I was a bit primed to hear about one more.

Questioner-Good point, tho I didnt mean to imply you should act upon the 'no consideration' comment, I was merely trying to point out that that is what seems to be happening.

Im all fore people working at marriages.

it does seem though that you are doing all the work in the morning, while he's reading the paper and drinking his coffee. not sure how happy i'd be with that (actually i'm sure i'd be most unhappy with that), but that's up to you and him to talk it all out. or maybe you don't mind that at all. good that you settled the bus thing.

LoveMyFamily- I am glad that you worked things out. Open communication is always the best way in a marriage.

Yup, Dag - I had the same thought. Sometimes we settle into routines without even thinking about who is doing what. When K was a baby and I was still working in an office I had a similar routine as LoveMyFamily, meaning I did everything about getting myself and K ready, K dropped off at the sitter, and myself to work while Mr B did whatever it was he did. It was only after I took a part-time job in a hospital that started at 6:00 am that Mr B took over the morning care of K. He never had a certain start time at his job so why had I been rushing around 'doing it all' for those first months? Just habit, I guess.

LoveMyFamily, I too am glad you've talked it through and have come to a better understanding. Now, how 'bout you get some help in the morning? :wink:

dagmarka and J_B.. i don't think I am happy doing everything in the morning while he enjoys his coffee. It puts a lot of pressure on me. It pressures me so much that I just want to get out and go to work and have my sip of coffee. I am relaxed once I get to work.

My husband does not want me to work. He thinks he earns lot more than enough to get us all going and have enough money for our son's education. He wants me to stay at home and take care of home. He also feels since he is stressed out at work, he needs some relaxation at home. His relaxation is reading books and newspaper. I have tried to convince him that I need a life other than HOME. I would n't be happy just sitting at home.He gets home at 9:00 PM and then works from home. He helps me setting up the dinner table and cleaning afterwards. He does what ever he can within his limits.I get back at 5:30. I spend more time at home than he does, so my share of work at home is more than his share. And of course I am from Venus. What is not appropriate to me is very appropriate to him ex. Disorganised bed.. I can't stand the sight of it but he is ok.. according to him it's just another place to crash in for the night .

Even though I am not happy with the morning stuff and I wish he could help me more, I think it is not that unfair looking into how little time he spends at home.

That kind of sounds like hes going off somewhere early to cheat...

I mean I'm not trying to say anything mean, but thats just the impression I got when I read your topic.

oops I am sorry if my post ever hinted that. May be it did sound like he is very mean. I am sorry if I made my post sound like that. But he is the the most honest and the most trustworthy person I have known in my life. He has his problems just like anyone else. He may be real obtuse sometimes, lazy sometimes, clumsy sometimes, cranky sometimes but for that I will have to start another thread But cheating and breaking trust is not his forte.

yeah, i never got that impression LoveMyFamily. We do get a lot of posts where signs lead to that though and I think sometimes members are a little bit quick to jump to that conclusion.

Actually, I would defend your husband a little bit. Since he works long hours, I feel he is entitled to a bit more relaxation at home. That is not to say you shouldn't work outside the house or that he shouldn't do anything in the house. Only, I am saying that the way you have things set up seems pretty good. He helps to the best of his ability, listens to you when you have a problem (like the bus issue), and is an honest guy. Everybody has little bad habits. I am a messy person, and perhaps have some sympathy for that. I guess all I am saying is I don't know if it worth agonizing over every little detail of your lives.

Maybe you could introduce new chores slowly for him and see how he takes to it. For example, tell him, "honey, if you make sure that our son gets dressed and brushes his teeth, I'll make sure he is fed and gets to school okay." Then say, "I ask only because I was hoping to have just a couple more "me" minutes in the morning to put on my makeup and eat my breakfast. Do you think that this is a fair compromise?"

Good luck!

I didnt get that impression either, after reading your last post....He sounded quite nice...
except when you said he is not too keen on you working...I've met a lot of Indian men like that ("I earn enough for the two of us...so why dont you look after home")...you are doing the right thing by working inspite of his not being keen. As long as you have this issue sorted out with him, and as long as he is not insisting that you do not work, things look fine. Maybe you can talk to him about him being more supportive of you decision to work?

danielljean.. yes I am using the technique you suggested. I check if he is a little relaxed. If he is I ask him if he can get our son ready and give his vitamins. But sitting down and listing who will do what has never worked in my house. It is pretty dynamic I would say.

chinmayee_s.. he has his reasons for asking me to leave working. He feels it is not good for both of us to remain stressed out. He is stressed because of his work and I am stressed because I have to put in so much of physical labour at home and outside. He wishes me to sit at home so that I can be a little more relaxed and take full care of our house without complaining.(If you wish you can also read it like "I want you to stop working so that you do not bother me with any work at home"). We have had this discussion number of times without an agreeable solution. So I have left trying to convince him. When I know what I am doing is good and right for me, I do not wait for his approval. He may disagree but I am not quitting.

leggsly, yup.. bottled up but I am still practising the art of effective communication. We still have discussions that leads us to nowhere. So until I become better at communicating my feelings, not much is going to change. But you were right at sensing the bottled up feelings.


BTW chinmayee_s is that you in your avatar? Very pretty I would say.

I do think you are doing the right thing by not quitting...
From what I understand, he does not try to curb any actiivities of yours (does not ask you to "stay at home") but does not want you to work becuase he does want you to "unnecessarily tire yourself out", right? His unwillingness to involve himself in household chores stems from this very feeling, i think. These two things are probably interconnected (in his mind)...
Bottling up your feelings is not good for you..you could try asking for more help from him in doing chores - if the discussion leads to your working/not working...you could try telling him that he needs to support you in your decision even if he disagrees with it. good luck..

This doesn't sound minor at all. Purposeful disruption of your daily
schedule and routine (which worked out very well for you) is not a
very kind, respectful or loving behavior.
IF, in addition to disrupting your schedule, resulting in your need
to rearrange your life/daily plans etc. to suit his schedule, if he does
not honor your willingness to accomodate him by doing every-
thing within his power to help make this transition as smooth and as
problem free as he possibly can for you; then what is he really saying to you?
Sounds to me as if he is really saying "I do not appreciate
you. I do not care if your day is now immensely more difficult
because of me." Do you know WHY that is what I hear??? Because his
actions speak louder than his words.