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Sat 3 Dec, 2005 10:42 am
"I really believe that Hitler fella had the right idea. Don't you agree?"
"Just last night I was reminiscing about the good old days when me and the boys used to go out and rape cows..."
"So...how many of us have actually seen the inside of a dog's as$hole up close? Nobody? Just me?"
Got any you'd like to add?
"Gimme that last piece of chicken, fatass!"
*walks out of the bathroom*
"Whew! I feel like my pants fit better after that one! Oops! I forgot to wash my hands......Oh well, bring on the food!"
"does this look infected"
sorry I'm late, I found my dog, Ms. Divine, eating his poop again and it made me throw up.
Boy, I'm hungry now though!
You look lovely in that dress, dear. It looks just like the one that I donated to Goodwill!
You wouldn't BELIEVE what happened at the slaughterhouse yesterday.....
Several years ago, while somewhat inebriated at the home of some distant cousins...they lived in New Mexico I lived in Vermont...I finished dinner and then ran to the bathroom, I returned and extolled the virtues of the onions on salad that the hostess had served and how they were similar to those at Burger King in helping food exit from the body. For some reason I never heard from them again or was invited back...
Other winning moments were telling someone that the food was so bland even a dead person would die if forced to eat it.
And of course when I stared at the food in front of me and asked 'What is this?' Turned out it was one of those Cornish game hens.
Or when first meeting my sister's soon to be in-laws a few weeks before her wedding I started babbling about condoms and why lubricated were better. After the wedding I never saw these people again. (can't imagine why?)
Mind if I take my shoes off? My feet sweat something awful almost as bad as my armpits.
<first time meeting the boyfriend's family>
"I'm so in love with your son, Donny. He's wonderful. And I must say, the fact that he screams out, 'Oh, mommy!' when he has an orgasm is just adorable."
Sturgis wrote:Several years ago, while somewhat inebriated at the home of some distant cousins...they lived in New Mexico I lived in Vermont...I finished dinner and then ran to the bathroom, I returned and extolled the virtues of the onions on salad that the hostess had served and how they were similar to those at Burger King in helping food exit from the body. For some reason I never heard from them again or was invited back...
Other winning moments were telling someone that the food was so bland even a dead person would die if forced to eat it.
And of course when I stared at the food in front of me and asked 'What is this?' Turned out it was one of those Cornish game hens.
Or when first meeting my sister's soon to be in-laws a few weeks before her wedding I started babbling about condoms and why lubricated were better. After the wedding I never saw these people again. (can't imagine why?)
Mind if I take my shoes off? My feet sweat something awful almost as bad as my armpits.
Great additions, Sturgis. I am starting to get a picture of what you must be like in real life. Funny stuff.
Is that the smell of your cooking.....or did I leave the toilet door open?
This room smells like sex..
My grandfather took great delight in his personalized "Supper is ready" announcement, which he used whenever guests were present;
"If you plan on eating, get in here and do it; we can't have the hogs waiting all night for the slops"
Grandmother, as may be imagined, was not appreciative.
"Yes thanks, I've had quite an interesting day, I went for my weekly visit to the sperm bank....hey, who'd like cream in their coffee?"
I'd like you all to meet my date. The reason that you have not met him before, is bacause he had a little problem, and spent last year at Club Fed.
Have you met my wife, the porn star?
So when we got done pulling the calf out, we had to turn around and do it all over again with the placenta....
Hors d'oeuvres anyone?...and whoever finds the lucky toenail wins a prize.
What not to say at a biker dinner party:
"You know the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag."
Man that Iraqi guy Hussein sure is a sexy s.o.b. no wonder they all like him over there to bad we have ugly leaders.
(I was escorted out the door)
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