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Thu 1 Dec, 2005 11:56 am
I haven't posted in a while, but recently this has been on my mind..
I talked to the ex yesterday and she wanted to talk about us and how she doesn't know what I feel about her anymore. (We've maintained a tight relationship after the breakup). Anyways, I told her we'll be ok and she decides to ask me the question of whether or not I'd be hurt if she dated a friend of mine.
Trying to keep a brave face, I said I have no control over who she dates and ultimately she should do what makes her happy. But really, I felt horrible. I still do. I decided long ago that I'd respect her and not date anyone we mutually knew because that would be too harsh. She wouldn't devulge who this person is, but I have a strong idea as to who it is.
What really angers me most is that she's able to date a guy on a whim. I kindled my friendship with her for years before anything happened, which makes me feel that what we had was nothing at all - just a "phase" that she was in.
In a sense, I want her to do this and to move on. But at the same time, I want her to date someone I don't know. I know I'm being really selfish but..IT REALLY HURTS..
Thanks for listening..
First a little story:
Once upon a time I started a new job and became immediate friends with another girl who worked there. It was one of those strange cases where you just click with someone. We had a lot in common, had the same sense of humor, liked to do the same kind of things.
One day her boyfriend came to pick her up from work and it was my ex-boyfriend.
I really hated to lose her as a friend and while it was awkward for all of us for a while it eventually calmed down and we all remained friends.
People you like tend to like the people that you like.
I think you're only human for not being too comfortable with the situation but it really isn't something you can control and if you want to keep your friends you'll probably have to grin and bear it.
The fact that she called and talked to you about it shows that she has respect for your feelings but if she really has a connection with this guy she will probably end up making the decision that makes her happiest, not the one that makes you happiest.
I'd like to add that this was my first gf and this friend I suspect, already knows what happened between us.
Re: Ex wanting to date a friend of mine
Disco wrote:I haven't posted in a while, but recently this has been on my mind..
I talked to the ex yesterday and she wanted to talk about us and how she doesn't know what I feel about her anymore. (We've maintained a tight relationship after the breakup). Anyways, I told her we'll be ok and she decides to ask me the question of whether or not I'd be hurt if she dated a friend of mine.
Trying to keep a brave face, I said I have no control over who she dates and ultimately she should do what makes her happy. But really, I felt horrible. I still do. I decided long ago that I'd respect her and not date anyone we mutually knew because that would be too harsh. She wouldn't devulge who this person is, but I have a strong idea as to who it is.
What really angers me most is that she's able to date a guy on a whim. I kindled my friendship with her for years before anything happened, which makes me feel that what we had was nothing at all - just a "phase" that she was in.
In a sense, I want her to do this and to move on. But at the same time, I want her to date someone I don't know. I know I'm being really selfish but..IT REALLY HURTS..
Thanks for listening..
Hey Disco.
That's a hard situation. It really hurts, and will continue to hurt. Unfortunately, the bottom line is that there isn't a blasted thing you can do about it. They're both free individuals and can date whom they wish when they wish.
Best advice I can offer is continue to keep a stiff upper lip, and get out there and find yourself some dates!
Cheers, and best luck.
Disco, Grow up and get over it. She obviously has.
I guess I'd have to. How should I go about being mature about it and not looking hurt?
Disco wrote:I guess I'd have to. How should I go about being mature about it and not looking hurt?
Questioner gave you some great advice as to how to do that. Good Luck! You'll just keep making yourself miserable if you don't move on.
I say you should tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel, and let her know that there is a chance that her getting involved with somebody who is a friend of yours might put a strain on your friendship, and if she is willing to take a chance knowing that, then it's her choice to make.
The other way you're just letting her off the hook, free from guilt. Make her decide, knowing all the facts.
howz it goin' kicky dude?
where ya been?
Doin' okay. Got too much work now to really go into detail, but I have had a real busy month. New apartment, new jobs...I've started all over. How YOU doin'?
That grow up and move on post was really insensitive. I dont think this has to do with immaturity. No matter how mature or immature you are, finding your ex with somebody you trust hurts. Not that there are rules against this sort of thing, and I don't think she is in the wrong. But he has the right to feel the way he does.
I agree, Daniellejean.
The thing is: she asked you if you would be hurt if she dates a friend of yours. You had an opportunity to let her know that "yes, actually it does hurt me". You chose to put on the brave face for her benefit, so now you need to accept it. Had you let her know you are hurt, she may have decided she would not pursue the friend to spare your feelings. Then again, maybe she would have gone ahead anyways. Like you noted; it is her choice.
It is tough. It would hurt. But you can handle this and move on. Best of luck.
daniellejean wrote:That grow up and move on post was really insensitive. I dont think this has to do with immaturity. No matter how mature or immature you are, finding your ex with somebody you trust hurts. Not that there are rules against this sort of thing, and I don't think she is in the wrong. But he has the right to feel the way he does.
Life is hard, and then you die. Life is what you make it. If you want to go through life living in the past and bemoaning what can't be, I guess that's what you do. A divorce by definition is a splitting of the lives and the directions that the two go. Pining over who he or she dates is self destructive. I guess if you're a masochist, it makes sense to do so. Frankly, I don't see that much benefit in making yourself feel like **** over something you have no control.
Moving on and going forward is a much better idea. New people, a new love, and a positive direction. It's called maturity.
Quote:The thing is: she asked you if you would be hurt if she dates a friend of yours. You had an opportunity to let her know that "yes, actually it does hurt me".
I don't think so. Asking a question like this is really hitting below the belt. Anyone with any common sense at all knows that of course this is going to bother him. Not only is it emotionally hard, but it will very likely also destroy the other friendship that he had. When put on the spot like this, the questioner is putting an unspoken assumption on to the table that a real man would suck it up and be fine with it. It's like inviting yourself into someone elses home, and saying things like "Oh, you don't mind if I borrow this, do you?"
Quote:Moving on and going forward is a much better idea. New people, a new love, and a positive direction. It's called maturity.
The maturity you describe sounds more like a detachment from the emotions that make us human in the first place.
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