The ex-wife

He divorced her, right? So that means they are not together, or at least that's what it should be since he is with you. But recognize that, since there is a child in the picture, things are more complicated.

In order to treat his child properly, it makes sense for him to not be in an all-out war with his ex. This is a good thing, you see, because it's the child who is helpless and the child's needs that are paramount -- not yours, not his and not hers.

But ask yourself -- what is the "better treatment" that he is giving her? Is it being attentive to their son or is it something else? You cannot overcome his last marriage. It's a fact of life and nothing you do will change that, and any attempt is futile. People have pasts, that's just life. But determine objectively whether the attentions are for the care of their son or if they are a part of him trying to get back together with her.

And you can, of course, always ask him, but I caution you that the answer might not be one that you like.

I agree with jespah.

Sometimes people express disbelief that I really like my husbands ex-wife.

Why shouldn't I? She's a nice woman, and I didn't break them up. They were divorced years before we met. They had a child together, who's now 21, so of course they maintained regular contact.

Just because 2 people divorce doesn't mean the ex is evil, or either party for that matter.

Same question, what kind of better treatment is she getting?

I agree with Jes completely. Your boyfriend comes with a PAST. You say that you two have been together for 5 years. Haven't you discussed your concerns with your BF in all that time? If you have, what is his response?

When you say that you have to "compete", what exactly does this mean?

What do you mean when you say that he "treats her better than me"?

I think that you have to be very clear in your own mind as to whether your BF is simply being a good father, or is overattached his ex-wife. You may need to enlist the help of a marriage counselor to help the two of you sort things out.



What's holding up the marriage? You or him? Someday? Five years is a very long time for the two of you to be going together.

Thank you for all your reponses. well we have talked about marriage and he is scared to get hurt again, his ex cheated on him the whole time they were married, but i have never cheated on him and don't plan on it. I guess i'm jealous of her in a way. He married her and never thought he was going to get hurt, and with me he is scared. I have never made him think I would do that, b/c I asked him. I guess he is not ready, I don't know. He has told me that the only reason he is nice to her is b/c of his son. I guess if we ever do get married we would have to try the counselor thing.

Not if, dear. Before would be much better. I would suggest NOW, because the situation apparently is bothering you.

I can understand if a person has been cheated on, he will be a little anxious in THE BEGINNING of a new relationship. If he can't trust you after 5 years, he never will. I have a sneaking suspicion that his excuses are merely the tip of the iceberg. Better find out now, then after you are married, and things are much more complicated.

yeah, i think i am going to have a talk with him tonight and try to find out what is going on in his head. Him and I both are still young he is 28 and i am 22. I haven't been pushing to subject of marriage lately b/c we always fight. We are good together, I don't want to lose that, he is my bestfriend and I can't see myself leaving him or his son, but I want this relationship to get to the next level. I guess somethings I over react on things, but thats girl for you...lol. thank you!

Ahhhh....22....I remember being 22.

You're young, attractive, as is your boyfriend.
You feel insecure when he is "nice" to any other female besides you, expecially if she is attractive.

The ladies who have responded so far are the voice of experience, so listen.

Much of your insecurity comes from the fact that you have been "out in the field" for a relatively short period of time. You're learning about what makes relationships tick.

There's an old expression, "Time takes Time".

Remember, it takes two to fight.

I always speak my mind, but when I'm talking with my husband, there have been many times that I have kept my mouth closed, thinking of what to say, much longer than when I was 22.

That way, when the words do come out, you're not so likely to have to eat them.

yes i am young....and i realize that holding a relationship together is hard work, we have been through bad times and really good ones. its funny, i play out what i want to say in my mind on subjects like these and then when i get in front of him my mind goes blank, so i never get whats bothering me off my chest. this is the first serious relationship i have had and all i can think about is him and how wonderful our life would be together forever, but then again i know marriage is not a fairy tale. if we get married i want it to last i don't want to be another divorced couple (but i guess i should tell him that...).

You are 22 years old.

You have been exclusively with this guy for 5 years.

He still doesn't trust you because his ex-wife slept around.

Either you or your bf or both of you are slow learners.


How old is this child?

his child is 7, what do you mean about "slow learners"

Hmm..
So you were 18 when you got involved with a guy w/ a 2 yr old kid?

What is your relationship w/ the kid? Is it a shared custody agreement? Do you live with the BF?

This whole situation is so sticky bc of the child involved. You entered the scene when you were still a kid yourself (I know 18 is an adult: but really!).

After 5 years he does not think you are trustworthy.

After 5 years you think that there is a vine covered cottage and a future for the two of you together.

You two are singing different songs. He's belting out "Wide Open Spaces" and you're cooing, "My Blue Heaven."

ok, maybe i came off like he thinks i'm gonna cheat on him, he doesn't think that at all, i made sure of that. i think he is scared in a way.
his kid and myself have a close relationship, i treat him as if he was mine (and i know he is not mine). he has shared custody so we see him all the time. i know what i got myself into, but i didn't realize how hard it was going to be, i wasn't thinking, but now its to late, i can't just leave, b/c i rushed into this, i love him and his son.
sometimes i just can't understand what i might be doing wrong, why can't he love me enough to marry me, I mean I have devoted part of my life to him and his son.

It's your insecurity that causes his insecurity.

Or maybe, you just aren't the one for him.

Why should he? He has all of the benefits, with none of the legal responsibilities. On top of everything, you are relating to his son as a mother. You have all of the work, with none of the benefits of being married.

It looks like you have sold yourself short.

Just bc you have spent 5 yrs with him and are close to his kid does NOT mean he has to marry you. You can't 'secure' a marriage-deal by getting all involved in his life. That's manipulation. I surely hope you don't expect to get married bc of what you have put into this relationship. You have to actually act on your needs and desires. If marriage is what you are after, you played your cards wrong.
He may love you; but you have made the situation waaay too convienent for him. Like Phoenix said - Why would he marry you? He has everything he wants already and doesn't have do a thing!

I know i have made it easy for him by me doing all this stuff w/o marriage, but i didn't come into this hoping for marriage, i love him and hope to get married one day. i didn't mean to come off like he owes me for being there and acting like a mother, he doesn't owe me marriage, i want him to want to marry me like i want to marry him for love.

Rachael0816 - Did you read what you wrote?





You are contradicting yourself. Or are you saying that it is ok that he uses you as a wife and mother, but if he doesn't love you......................???

what i mean is when we first started dating i didn't think we would end up together this long, b/c i was young and just out of high school and into my first yr of college, but we grew together. and after awhile i started thinking that i could marry him and i brought it up. and no i'm not saying its ok that he uses me, b/c i don't think he is or maybe i'm just "blinded by love?" who knows. but all i know is i'm not leaving until i know for sure whats going to happen between us. and you might think i'm stupid but i love him i can't leave.