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Sun 27 Nov, 2005 03:10 pm
My husband and I have our own checking accounts, a joint checking account, and a joint savings. Both our pay checks go into the joint checking and straight to bills. My husband wanted to start a cash savings jar at home where he would put some money in it when he could. I didn't know about it until later. He had only put $40 in it and nothing else for months but the money was needed for something so the jar became empty. Over the past few months, my Aunt gave me $200 for doing a web site for her and for another project I was working on. Then my Grandmother randomly sent me $100 in the mail and told me to buy myself some new shoes which I desperatly needed. The just last night my father gave me $100 to spend how ever I wanted because he spent so much money for my little brother and wanted to give me something too. Overall I had $400 that was given to me as a gift. The thing that really bothers me is that every time I get these bills, my husband says to me "your going to put that right into the jar, right?" Finally after the last $100 bill, I asked him why I wasn't allowed to decide what to do with the money that was given to me. He told me that was because it was "our" money not "my" money. I don't think I would be so mad about it if he was contributing bills too. So what I want to know is, when is a gift mine and when is it ours? Does that mean that any money I get for christmas or birthdays from my family will never again be my money?
Kitkat--
You have my sympathy. The first Mr. Noddy was very fond of spending my Christmas and Birthday checks from my parents--usually something that "we could do together" that I had no interest in doing.
One variation on the "Yours is Ours" theme was to organize events with other couples and then take off with the interesting people leaving me with the duds.
On a rational level, a "savings jar" at home is an invitation to both thieves and fritterers. Also, it earns no interest.
What happens to money from his side of the family?
Does he offer an equal amount of emotional support to your family and to his family?
Good luck. Your husband sounds both domineering and greedy.
Most of the time, when he asks his parents for money, he is asking for a reason, like to pay for the his car bills. His parents are a little bit fruigal so they dont just randomly give him money like my parents do. But he also comes from a rich family where he got whatever he wanted as a kid.
Sweetheart, whatever is given to you for services rendered
(website) or as a monetary gift is yours, and only yours.
You seem to be of the receiving end of a egotistical ***
His parents give money for his car bills (when asked).
Your family hands over money from love.
I'm betting he not only wants "your" money, but he'd like the warm and caring family that the money comes from.
I agree most with CJ- this guy is a selfish jerk. Hide your money, set up a new savings account and get a PO Box for the statements just in your name. Call it your "Kitkat's Escape From Marriage Mistake Fund" and use it when you dump this guy.
I think that if you have an agreement that paychecks go in the joint account, then possibly putting the 200 dollars for the aunt's website in the joint account would be a good compromise. However, gifts given to you are just that. If they don't have his name on it, they aren't intended to be shared with him unless you just want to. The money jar was his idea and outside of your established agreement, let him worry about when and with what to fill it.
Good! You already have a separate checking account! Now all you need to do is open another savings account in your name only. And DON'T tell him about it.
If the gifts of money were given to the two of you, they should be shared. If they were given to just one of you, they belong to that person. This is common sense. If someone gave him a gift, say a bottle of cologne or a tie, no one would expect him to share it. Money (as a gift) is no different.
My mother told me many, many years ago that a smart woman will always keep a secret stash, just in case, because you never know what might happen somewhere down the line. Gift money is your just-in-case money. You should just set these groundrules with your husband once and for all and let that be that. Whether you buy those shoes or the week's groceries or tuck it away in your secret stash should not matter. It's yours to do as you wish.
Before offering advice here, it is wise to read kitkat's "My husband thinks I am ugly thread."
Yeah, maybe. But the advice offered here is still valid, even after having read that thread.
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