Wife sees her x-husband socially behind my back

Brackenfish:No,your feelings are based in your sense of right and wrong. The idea that she takes your daughter to see her ex,is weird in itself. Have you asked your wife why she feels no need to consider your wishes and feelings in this matter?
The most obvious answer is for you to go,by yourself,if necessary, for counseling,to see why you
allow yourself to be treated this way,and to work on ways to resolve the situation.
Look in your phone book for places that offer low-cost or free marriage/personal counseling.
Good luck !

It sounds like she simply doesn't respect you and unless you do something to earn her respect, there's no hope for your marriage.

I agree with eoe. She doesn't care about your feelings.
Why on earth did she divorce her ex if she's still seeing him?

You're obviously a very sensitive person BrackenFish,
but please don't play doormat to your wife. If you let her,
she will treat you as such.

Is her ex remarried? Have you ever met him? I wonder what would happen if you suggested that the three of you go out together? Maybe the ex would bring his wife, or a date.

I am wondering. If the two of them are so close, why did she divorce him in the first place?

Your posts help. Thank you.
Yes, she thinks that I am being irrational and silly, so she sees no reason to stop. I have met him before…nice enough guy…I am not interested in hanging out with him (maybe that is my own immaturity coming out, but they don't have kids, so there is no reason)…he had a girlfriend before, but I don't think anymore…or maybe still does? But, I know he has come up alone (2 hour drive) to visit her where we live. She said that she was not attracted to him in that way anymore and she could not live with him…but they were friends for awhile (grew up in the same town). So, at the very least I can concede why she would be drawn to him. I know she finds guys with his luck attractive for TV and magazines. Why am I a push over? I've always been easy going. I don't like to fester on problems…I solve them and move on, if they are unsolvable or I can not influence them, then I remove them from my concern. I have a deep store of patients to boot. I am slow to anger, however once angry I hold onto negative emotions for awhile. Anyway, I know I need to stand up for myself more…however to what end?? I do not want to give the ultimatum ("or else I'll leave"; which, by-the-way, I would be fine doing. I know I would be fine on my own)…The ultimatum is the only thing I can think of right now…so I back down instead. I have a 4-year-old that I can not stand the idea of not seeing every day, and in my State, in a split, the children go to the Mom 99% of the time no matter what (or any combination of split time seems to be loose-loose for everyone, mostly the 4 year old. That would devastate me. My wife is a great mom and I am a great Dad, and we tend to balance each other out. I think the reciprocity is important to my daughter. And if there was a spilt, I feel my side of the behavior spectrum is healthier, so I would not feel good about her being full time with my wife with no balance point. So, I am in a holding pattern, just living with my misery. Funny aside: the other day when I felt I could not take another moment of her attitude, she said to me in a quick outburst "you drive me so crazy sometimes"…which was exactly what I was feeling toward her for putting up with her crap…so it sort of blew my mind. So, I try to see her side of it and see what behaviors I have that would contribute to her anger…but when I change my behavior to compensate, it still does not seem to be quite good enough. Maybe that hits it on the nose?...She has unobtainable standards for me (I know that she motivates herself and is very successful with her high standards for herself). I see that I have taken the submissive role and she the dominate. Funny again: Last month, I was fed-up and I was very short with her and talked back a lot, and mostly was mean and disrespectful (in my opinion) to her…she seemed happier and it blew my mind when she said, "you are finally figuring out how to talk to me"@!!! I stopped being "mean" - I don't want to live like that. I can still see the girl I love and married…however, she is behind this crappy attitude and anger. She has always had the quick temper, but it has been manageable, now a bit out-of-control. I asked her to go to see a psychologist…she did and after a few sessions she quit and said that he was a moron and only asked her a lot of stupid questions about her childhood. I can deal with her behavior, but not as easily when I know she is seeing her ex-husband. Of all the things to get to me, this one seems the sharpest.

Bracken Fish--

Welcome to A2K.

You complain:




Perhaps her actions are not "to get to you". Perhaps her actions seem good and proper to her and you are trying to put limits on her actions for your own wounded pride.

I find it difficult to believe that your wife would be having an affair and dragging your daughter along.

It's not like she is seeing him behind your back. If she was, you wouldn't necessarily know about it. Counselling sounds like an appropriate idea since it does seem she has little respect for your wishes. Taking the kid over to see him sounds strange as well. I have a great relationship with my ex, however there are no kids involved, and my wife doesn't have a problem with me seeing her. We're just really good friends, but that's all.

Brackenfish:It's all well and good,for you to want to have an "intact" family for your daughter,but think about this: {1} What is she learning about how women treat men,when mommy drags her along to "see" an ex-husband? Will she think this is normal behavior? {2}What will your daughter think when she sees and hears mommy dominate,put-down,and disrespect you? Will your daughter learn to treat men this way when she grows up? Whether or not you end your marrieage,please discuss this with an attorney. Taking your daughter with her,is not good parenting,and in some areas might be considered the behavior of an unfit mother. What in the world does your wife think her ex and your daughter have in common ?

I had a slightly different situation. I had had an affair with this man. The affair ended after a few months, and then we became really close friends. In fact, when I was having difficulties, he went "above and beyond" for me, which I'll never forget.

When I met my husband, I was dumb enough to tell him about the initial relationship with this man. I knew that my talking to my friend was making my husband very uncomfortable. There was no way that we were going to restart our affair. We were buddies.

At first, I wanted this guy in my life. I treasured his friendship. But I had to make a choice. I knew that my husband was not "cool" enough to deal with my prior relationship, so I decided to tell my friend that it was better that we did not see each other. He understood.

Do I regret not having this man in my life? Sure. But, knowing my husband, I think that the relationship would have caused a lot of problems.
I think that it is a matter of priorities. Sometimes, a person needs to make hard choices.

P.S. A couple of years later, I ran into this man. I was in Manhattan, and he offered to drive me home to Long Island. Wouldn't you know that the guy propositioned me? So maybe it was a good thing that I made the choice that I did.

P.P.S. For all of you who are sitting in front of your monitors, with baited breath. I turned him down!

Yes Phoenix, but you can't blame him - you looked like Jane Russel, only better.

Hmm.

I am good friends with my ex husband. We spent important years of our lives together. Neither of us is interested in renewing our old relationship. His wife is fine with his friendship with me. If I have another long term relationship, it is extremely unlikely that I would drop contact with my exhusband for the new love's sense of security.

That said, at this point we telephone each other once a month or so, and meet for coffee when I visit Los Angeles, and I don't visit there all that often. Sometimes a year goes by before I visit there again. He is part of the weave of my life, but not the center of a painting, timewise or any other way, and the same for him.

I am guessing, Brackenfish, that your intense irritation and discomfort that she continues to have him as a friend only makes her more adamant... and indeed, at this point, with your lack of communication of all sorts, and her being able to talk with him - highlights the trouble in your relationship.
And thus she increases the amounts she sees him, as a comfort zone.

Sure, seeing him all the time is overdoing it. I see bringing the child as a straightforward innocent thing - but the child can, no doubt, pick up the difference in the tension at your house and the relaxed air when they visit the friendX.

I think counselling would be a good idea, for both of you.

My wife see's her ex behind my back. He recently showed up on a family holiday 2 days after I had left and was invited to a bbq and a round of golf. When I asked my wife about it, she lied and said he only showed up at the house for a half hour (the kids told me most the evening) and then she lied about inviting him to go golfing the next day. I checked the golf course and low and behold, he was part of their group. On top of this, he texts her asking her to join him in places like Las Vegas. Funny, they are not even his children yet they act as thou he is. He is in his 50's and has no children of his own. When he was with their mother they told me he was a moody jerk. Now they act like his the next best thing to sliced bread. I just don't get it. I've ask my wife to cut off contact with him and she says she can't help it if they run into each other. Funny they live in different cities and every time he come to town they visit with each other and don't tell me. I trust her but he is recently single (again) and continues to flirt with her.