Playing with neighbor kids etiquette

Sozobe
It works both ways, but heck, why not bring a pie over to break the ice. It sounds like a good gesture to me and it would help in getting the kids together.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best ;-)

A pie is a great idea--being brazen is much easier when your hands are full.

Why not--with or without pie--stroll over and ask whether or not you would be intruding. The mothers of Emily and Jack probably have cabin fever just the way you do. With neighbors, next winter might not be as long as this one.

Also, even if you aren't soulmates with these women, you are neighbors. Families with small children NEED neighbors--and having them lined up Before Emergency is provident planning.

Theme song of a good neighborhood--from a child's point of view: "There's no hiding place down here."

Hee hee!

Yeh, time to be brazen. What I am mostly worried about is that I would be seen as just taking advantage of the facilities -- ooh, swingset! I'm much much much more adept at giving than taking, and that goes for friendships/ friendly acquaintances, too -- I'm much much much more adept at accepting friendly overtures than making them.

We definitely have enough of a relationship with them for Before Emergency -- Jack's parents pick up our mail when we are gone, that kind of thing. And, (this is where I kick myself), Jack's dad is in a band and just invited us to a gig downtown, which we couldn't go to (time conflict), but he invited us, right?

OK, I so gotta make the next move.

Still, HOW to make this move? I really like Noddy's "are we intruding?" line. I think I'll keep an eye out for opportunities to use that. Otherwise maybe leave a note at Jack's house saying, hey, let's get together -- we'll be outside tomorrow at 2:00, is that a good time for you? I'm not really worried about breaking ice, per se, -- we've exchanged gifts (the baby's middle name is "Coltrane", and I got them a book called "Charlie Parker Played Be-Bop" which they said was the coolest baby gift they got) -- but am trying to figure out how to get together without being pushy. I can't quite imagine that they would say "yes" to the question "are we intruding?", but I should be able to tell from body language et al.

Sozobe
It's sounds like the relationship is already somewhat there, so since Jack's dad invited you to the thing in town, there's no reason why you can't just go on over and do the same. Since you exchange gifts and stuff, it seems that the ice has already been broken. If you'd really like to get to know them better, maybe you could have a cookout and just invite them. If you just want the kids to bond, I don't think they'd have a problem with them playing together.

Yeah, I think you're right. I have no idea why I'm so dithery about this. I think part of it is that E.G. is the opposite of me in terms of friendships -- he's as brazen as they get. (Guess who made the first move in our relationship...) HE's gone over there a lot, but I haven't, (it's been when he's out on solo walks with the sozlet), and so I haven't been able to suss out how the neighbors react to that. But yeah, they wouldn't go and invite us to something if they weren't interested in getting to know each other better.

Communication is probably not insignificant, either. I lipread very well, but it's an enormous amount of work, and I guess I'm nervous about missing cues -- "Yes, sure, hang out for a while, but Jack's naptime is in about 20 minutes", or whatever. (i.e. getting only the "yes sure" but not the "but...")

OK, yes, that's definitely part of it. I just did a little thought experiment -- what if they were deaf themselves? -- and my attitude changed completely.

Go, girl! Go.

Extend your dominion.

Sozobe
There you go. I'm with Noddy "You go girl" ;-)

Thanks, guys.

I appreciate the specific tips. I'm feeling like I have more tools at my disposal to take advantage of whatever opportunities present themselves.

Sozobe, let us know how it goes.

;-)

Y'know... you could invite those kids over to your house for a special event... A spring fling or something. Give them a couple of days notice... have some special food (like ice cream sundaes with lots of different toppings) and a silly craft session or something. Invite the parents to come over and enjoy watching the kids play together. Maybe they'll come, maybe they won't. You hope that they will want to come so you can chat and then ease into a "let's get the kids together more often" mode. Or not. Maybe you'll find that they don't play well together, in which case, better to find out on your home turf.

Emily sounds like she's a little older than the Sozlet, which does make a difference, but it is so nice to have neighboring friends that it is worth the little bit of trouble from that age disparity that may arise.

I used to collect ideas for outdoor games -- one I remember that all the kids liked was frisbee golf using hula hoops for "holes." That is so fun. Make up simple rules and have big numbers for each hole. Silly prizes are always well-received -- hats that you make, for example, or costuming bits. Another great game is egg tossing... which is perfect with Easter around the corner. (Remember... stand very close together and have careful, gentle tosses... the idea is to take a step back after each successful toss). Yes, some eggs will be broken -- that's why you do it outside. Have the parents play, too, if possible. Or... you could have an Easter Egg hiding session. Hide the eggs for all the kids the first time. Then, once they've been found, let them hide those eggs or others again to find. They'll make up their own rules. I'd use those cheap plastic eggs for this! Little treasures, even pennies, put inside make them more fun. I have some great books for entertaining kids, the PennyWhistle guides. If you need more ideas, just ask.

Another thing you could do is invite Emily to come with you on an adventure... even if it is just to the neighborhood park. You've got to get that reciprocal thing going. IMO, it is always best to stay on the plus side... giving a little more than you get will make you feel less like you're taking advantage of them... which seems to be the basis of your shyness. Definitely I'd suggest a simple excursion to start -- just to make sure that Emily is on the same disciplinary wavelength as you, especially if you're going to try to bring Jack along. Three kids & one mom is a disaster until they know your limits (and agree to go along with them). Good luck and have fun!

Excellent stuff, Piffka!

Btw Jack is more the target playmate than Emily -- just that Jack tends to be at Emily's a lot when he is outside, it seems.

Communication is definitely a thing in this. One-on-one, I can lipread quite well, though it's very very difficult to do it while keeping an eye on the sozlet. A group, and I'm lost. LOST. And not very happy about it. I have deaf friends and their kids over fairly often, and have thought about asking the people across the street to come to one of those parties, but then THEY would be lost. If I invite a bunch of hearing people and a bunch of deaf people, then the hearing people will talk to each other and the deaf people will talk to each other in two little exclusionary clumps. Etc.

You're very right about the basis of my shyness, or compunction, or whatever, that I want to stay on the plus side and going over there doesn't feel very plus-y.

I think inviting them over here sometime for something low-key, like playing with chalk, would be good. The sozlet and Jack already did that together pne of the times that my hubby brought her over, and we have a great big blacktop driveway that's a prime chalk-drawing canvas.

What great ideas Piffka.

Sozobe
I can only imagine how hard it is to read lips and I'm sure that takes a lot out of you. It sounds like you main concern is that your child is over their house all the time, so setting up stuff for the kids to do at your house is a good idea. That way you don't feel guilty and you don't have to form a whole new relationship with someone just so the kids can play.

Yeah.

Not all the time, though, hope I didn't give the wrong impression. She played with Jack for like 20 minutes total the time they played with chalk, and has stopped by for 5-minute chats maybe like 10 times ever. Usually what happens is that the hubby is out for a walk with her, sees them out, and stops by to say hi.

Anyway, feeling more and more certain about which way to go with this -- thanks one and all! (eoe, that includes you -- thanks for the encouragement!)

You're very welcome Sozobe. I'm sure everything will work out great ;-)

Yep, Montana, I think so, too. Thanks, btw, for the kind words. I hadn't thought of the hearing loss. That does call for additional help.

If you can't hear very well, then it is going to be hard for you to feel comfortable taking another young child somewhere. Sozobe, could your husband help you to take your child plus another one on an outing together? Husbands don't always like this, I've noticed, rightfully seeing their family time as sacrosanct, but if you explain that this really is tops for staying on the plus side of a play group arrangement, then any reasonable man will go along eventually. You could do something "manly" like a baseball game at the local high-school or college, or just take a short walk... have lunch... something fun. You said he sees them when he takes Soz out walking? Why don't you walk with them, too? Ask Jack if he'd like to walk around. These things have to go slow, but they can quickly snowball.

Could you start a little garden for the kids? Let them plant something and see if it comes up? This will make them want to check out your yard regularly. A little strawberry patch or, a sunflower and bean vine playhouse. (Those are so cool!)

Also, are you doing any parent-child classes, play-groups, adverture walks, etc.? This is the right time to look for summer sessions -- all the brochures are out! Talking about these would be a good reason to go over and visit with Jack's mom. You could ask her if she'd like to have Jack join for a session of something. Maybe she already has something planned. She'd probably adore having help with transportation if you were able to carpool together so that she could have a free moment. Carpooling is such a great time-saver. I'd be upfront with her too, about your need for more concentration while you are trying to chat. I think she's so likely to be understanding and nice about that. Who wouldn't be?

sozobe ~ my ex and I bought our house in a very sparse neighborhood. The few people who lived within blocks of our house saw it being built and watched its progress.

When we finally moved in, the neighbor who lived one block away walked right up to our door and asked if my then infant son and I would like to take a walk with her and her kids.

I got Dougy dressed and into his stoller and off we went!

For the next two years, we got together like that a few times a week and the kids loved it. Gave my neighbor and I a chance to talk like big people, too!

Be brave, sozobe!

I always forget how many people know that I'm deaf -- I need to say so every so often, I think, especially as we get newbies like Montana. I don't just "not hear very well", I'm completely, 100%, can't-hear-nuthin' deaf. Any communication happens purely through lipreading, not through any auditory channels. (Well, with hearing people -- with deaf friends, we sign.)

It's not a comfort thing, in general -- we go to the playground all the time, and there are always other moms there, and we chat. I've made a few friends that way. We have a weekly playgroup/ class that we go to that is run by the parks department and they provide free interpreting as per the ADA, so that's excellent. I get to chat with the moms with a terp. I've met a lot of people this way, too -- just not the people across the street. They aren't much of joiners, and aren't signed up for any of these kinds of things (I've asked.)

And again, I DO chat with them, I do see them. If I am out on a walk with the sozlet and they are across the street and I see them, I wave, they wave, then I wait for an indication. Once in a while there is some kind of come on over indication, and we do. But the hubby will just go over if he sees that they are in their backyard.

Oh, I just re-read and see I misunderstood you, Piffka. I'll leave what I said anyway, but I see you are talking about the comfort level of me caring for another young child, not the comfort level of taking MY child places. Yeah, the sozlet's best friend is the hearing daughter of one of my deaf friends, and I'm completely comfortable with her (I've watched her a few times) since she signs, but it would be a bit different with a hearing kid who didn't sign.

Hubby is VERY good about this kind of thing, though, and I could certainly put it to him.

And a big obstacle is the nap thing. They have really big sleep issues with their kids, and they are pretty emphatic about NOT wanting anyone to ring the doorbell/ just show up pretty much ever. So anything along those lines would have to be a note.

I'm sorry, Soz. I suppose you've told me, but not that it was 100%. And it doesn't come up here at all, of course. (Isn't that great?) It sounds like you've got a lot of things, good things, going on. Maybe, well, y'know... people who have sleep issues and don't want you ringing the doorbell... that doesn't sound very friendly. If somebody doesn't want to have their doorbell rung, it is pretty simple to disable it. Do they have a sign up?

Certainly they don't sound very easy-going. <rolling eyes> And they don't want to sign their Jack up for anything? Hurumph. Frankly, they sound like they might need to be loosened up. What does your husband think about it all? Have you discussed it very much? And let me see, who lives across the way and down a bit????