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Fri 18 Nov, 2005 04:01 am
As implied, I'm absolutely at my wits end in my marriage. Let me give you some background info, and I'll see if you're any better clued in than am I.
We were married young. She was 21, and I 20. We had been dating for 3 1/2 years through high school, and into college. We both come from very stable, very loving families. The wedding was beautiful, and that's where the happiness ended. The wedding was August of 2003, so we've been married 2 1/4 years now.
The trouble: Basically, we live like good roommates. We get along fine, know how to keep the other complacent, and that's about all there is. We rarely fight, and we always fight fairly and with respect. Yet, there is ZERO passion. We decided to wait until marriage for sex, and were both completely comfortable with that decision. We eagerly awaited sex, (and I feel sublimely confident that she was as excited as I) but when it came, she seemed to tune out of the relationship. In the 2 years and 3 months we've been married, she's been interested in sex about 12 times. I regularly go 2-3 months with no sexual interaction at all. I have ALWAYS wanted to be gentle to her, and make sure that she's comfortable with anything we do. She has verbalized indications that she prefers ME to initiate sex. However, on several separate occasions, she's given me lines like "I just don't want to be touched right now." or "I feel like your toy, like you're using me." I don't get angry or upset when she says stuff like this, because I don't want her to attach a negative mental picture to sex. So I graciously say "OK" and ask if I can do anything for her. Then I wait, and wait, and wait for any indication that she'll be interested in sex. It never happens. I can count on one hand the times that we've had sex in 2005. Both of us have busy days between work and school, but its nothing that leaves us exhausted. On most days, we have plenty of energy left. I'm kind to her always, I do my best to clean the house, do dishes, and get to repairs when she asks. I cook some dinners, do some shopping, and generally am VERY involved for someone who's in school 30 hours a week, and who works another 30 hours on top of that.
I HAVE discussed the sex issue with her on probably 10 separate occasions. She understands fully that a guy's body is NOT okay with sex every 2-3 months. She just can't seem to make herself get around to feeling sexual.
As of the last few weeks, I've just become angry. I've been an absolute saint to her for 2 1/4 years. I've been patient, hoping that discussion and being a helpful husband will make her come around, but no luck. I've done everything she asks, and tried to work out my sexual frustrations civilly. I'm not asking for anything crazy sexually. Hell, we've never done anything but missionary, and I've never requested anything else.
So now I'm just upset, mad, and feeling very betrayed by her.
I'm a 22 year-old, attractive college student/intern (I don't say that to be arrogant, but to indicate that I AM someone sexually desirable)
So, now I've started sleeping in the guest room. (in the last week) She's indicated that she doesn't like it when I sleep away from her, and asked why I sleep in the guest room. I just shrug, because right now I'm too mad, and an angry argument would NOT be productive.
I just feel so defeated, emasculated, and humiliated with another night in the string of 3 months that she's hopped in her grungy pajamas, and rolled over to bed. So, I'd rather sleep alone.
I KNOW that this isn't a solution, but I feel that in 2 1/4 years of marriage, sleeping with her, and trying to be kind/romantic has done nothing for her, and CERTAINLY nothing for me.
Help me. I really am at my wits end.
Quote:So, now I've started sleeping in the guest room. (in the last week) She's indicated that she doesn't like it when I sleep away from her, and asked why I sleep in the guest room. I just shrug, because right now I'm too mad, and an angry argument would NOT be productive.
Shrugging is probably less productive than an arguement.
You both need to acknowledge the problem and learn how to talk about it.
She should visit her doctor to rule out any physical problems or depression.
Since you're both students you could probably take advantage of counseling services offered by your school.
One thing I've learned is if you want to have sex/make love at 8pm Fri. night you need to start setting the stage at 8am Fri. morning, or even 8pm the Thurs. night.
I'd also suggest you find out what she considers romantic because there might be a disconnect between what you think is alluring and what she thinks is alluring; sex isn't automatic just because you're married, you still need to woo her.
BMJ - I agree with Boomer that you both need professional counseling. The right person knows the questions to ask and can act as a referee. A woman as young as your wife should be more interested in sex and I think she has some psychological problems that are holding her back. I think this more than a lack of romance scenario. If she refuses to go, you should go by yourself and maybe you can decide from there if your marriage can be saved. You are very young and have a long life ahead of you, it should be a fulfilling, joyful one in many ways. Sometimes we make mistakes- and that is fine, as long as we are willing to try and correct them.
I also agree with counseling. From the context, I wonder if you are religious? If so, counseling from a spiritual leader may help. If she felt so strongly about not having sex until marriage, that may go with beliefs that sex is dirty, sinful, for procreation only, etc. It may help her to hear from someone of her religion that a loving married relationship can (and maybe even should, depends on the religion I guess) have a healthy sexual component.
I basically agree with what's already been said, especially by boomerang. One thing that you said I found curious:
Quote:I HAVE discussed the sex issue with her on probably 10 separate occasions. She understands fully that a guy's body is NOT okay with sex every 2-3 months. She just can't seem to make herself get around to feeling sexual.
Did you emphasize your desire for sex past just physical urges? Have you told her why you think it will make you two closer emotionally? Does she know that sex is a vital part to a healthy marriage? These shouldn't just be "
sexual frustrations" for you, but rather frustrations that get more to the heart of your relationship as a whole.
Re: Wits End
bmj82 wrote:The trouble: Basically, we live like good roommates. . . there is ZERO passion. . . .
She has verbalized indications that she prefers ME to initiate sex. However, on several separate occasions, she's given me lines like "I just don't want to be touched right now." or "I feel like your toy, like you're using me."
. . . She just can't seem to make herself get around to feeling sexual.
Help me. I really am at my wits end.
It doesn't sound like you have a marriage. You're sharing a home with a roommate--a long-time friend from high school. That's it.
Your wife--more appropriately, your friend--isn't physically attracted to you the way a wife ought to be attracted to her husband. If she desired you sexually, she wouldn't say the hurtful things that she says. She avoids marital intimacy with you. Maybe someday someone will awaken her passions and light her fire, but I don't think it will be you. There is probably way too much history of platonic friendship between the two of you for your relationship to ever take off in another direction and become passionate.
I think you probably made a mistake in marrying your high school friend when it is very clear that you want a wife who will desire you and love you intimately. You're a very young man and you're stuck in an unfullfilling relationship. Is that what you want for next few years or for the rest of your life? You will probably be far happier in the long run if you end this roommate situation and move on with your life.
Get some counseling and make a decision: Stay in a virtually platonic and unfullfilling marriage or divorce and move on with your life.
It sounds to me like the two of you are picture perfect on the outside, and yet unhappy. Doing everything 'right'. Waiting for marriage to have sex, going to school, being nice and not fighting.....BORING!!
I don't say that to be mean. You're human. What's wrong with a good fight once in a while? What is wrong with grabbing things by the balls and getting what you want? Sometimes you gotta break the rules and make some people unhappy to live true to yourself. Y'all sounds like stuffers.
I agree with councilling. You are so young. Go alone if need be.
Good luck!!
first of all, sleeping in the guestroom is only gonna make her more frustrated with you. how do you expect her to want to have sex with you if you won't even sleep next to her?
i don't think you should wait for her to initiate sex.
talking about sex right before you want to have sex is definately not a good idea either.
tell her that you love her, kiss her, take it easy and you'll make her in the mood. you just have to figure out what it is she likes. true, some nights you probably won't get anywhere no matter how hard you try, but i think if you show her affection, and make her feel good, she'll want to please you no matter what.
good luck with the marriage. i hope everything works out for you guys
BlaiseDaley wrote:One thing I've learned is if you want to have sex/make love at 8pm Fri. night you need to start setting the stage at 8am Fri. morning, or even 8pm the Thurs. night.
I'd also suggest you find out what she considers romantic because there might be a disconnect between what you think is alluring and what she thinks is alluring; sex isn't automatic just because you're married, you still need to woo her.
Why must you "set the stage?" True love and desire doesn't require advance planning, coaxing or priming.
I guess my man and I "set the stage" 24/7 because intimacy is always automatic between us. He woos me by everything he does and says--I'm totally in love with him. He doesn't need to bring me flowers or take me out for a "romantic" dinner to "get lucky." We're always touching each other; we're always playful; and we're always saying "I love you." I think my man is the sexiest man on earth. (Shouldn't every woman feel that way about her man?) We're both pretty much ready and willing to please each other on a moment's notice.
There is no greater happiness than being with the person who loves you completely and satisfies all your emotional and physical needs. Now that I know the fullfillment that comes from being in a happy relationship that remains happy (year after year), I would not settle for less. I don't think any person ought to settle for being unhappy in the most important relationship one has in life (the one with your significant other) or have to jump through exhausting hoops to live with someone you're not compatible with.
I have no advice apart from to talk to her. make her understand how deeply you feel about this- you arent abnormal, she is.
My relationship recently fell apart because my boyfriend didnt talk to me about an issue that was bugging him for about 2 or 3 months. Talk to her, maybe if you did end up shouting it would stress the importance of what you feel, so dont be afraid of that.
yeah I'm not too sure either
oops I didn't mean to send that wrong one don't ask how but sorry
bmj82, we're waiting on the edge of our seats for an update...
how's it going over there?
I've just read this series of posts--I've been married for over nine years and haven't had sex for over four years. I'm 50, so's my wife, and we have a 4-year-old son. Right now I'm sitting in front of the computer at 4:40 AM, having got up at 3:45 because my son climbed into bed between us. I haven't been able to interest my wife in sex for years. She used to get hostile when I'd try to talk about it--now she's just quiet. I've been going to counseling for years, but she doesn't believe in it. I didn't have a wild life when I was single, but I certainly had a more active love life than as a married man. I debate leaving, but I know I'd have major regrets, feeling like a quitter and questioning what is best for my son.
my 2 cents
It sounds like she is not attracted to you sexually and probably has never had an orgasm. It takes many women a while to learn their own bodies and figure out what works. Men and women are different. The wind blows and a man is hard and ready to go. Women take a while to be turned on and in the mood. Maybe she has low-no sex drive. Maybe she doesn't like what you do to her sexually. Maybe what you do doesn't feel good and she doesn't know how to tell you.
Did you know that it is relatively easy for a man to have an orgasm EVERY time he has sex? Many men still don't understand that the in and out thrusting does not make a woman orgasm. A woman needs clitoral stimulation and the RIGHT kind of clitoral stimulation. The in and out thrusting can get extremely boring if that is all you are doing.
Yes it does sound like shes not atttracted to you sexually.
I can understand your pain as the same thing happened to me exactly. Unlike you, we had a lot of arguments about it though. My wife was interested a lot in sex between us in the first few months of our relationship then it all died down.
I never understood why so I cannot help you there. What I can tell you is , that its better to sort out the problem as soon as possible instead of shrugging it off. Go to counselling and talk.
Dont let the problem become bigger . Probably one of the problems Im going through a separation right now was lack of sex.
Quote:I have ALWAYS wanted to be gentle to her, and make sure that she's comfortable with anything we do. She has verbalized indications that she prefers ME to initiate sex. However, on several separate occasions, she's given me lines like "I just don't want to be touched right now." or "I feel like your toy, like you're using me."
Well, it sounds to me like your way of going about sex might be the problem. You say you've ALWAYS been gentle with her; maybe that's part of the problem. A girl doesn't want to be cautiously poked and prodded. For sex to be fun you've got to be confident and creative. She said she wanted you to initate it. She wants you to be the man, and her to be the woman. If you're going about it so carefully, maybe she feels like you're treating her like a delicate doll that is a tool for getting off but is too fragile to really have fun with. I understand that she's broken you down, and it's goingto be hard to be confident now. I say, you've got to give it your best shot. Do something outlandishly romantic like making her a candlelight dinner and filling the bedroom with rose petals, something where she cannot deny you. Don't bring up any difficult subjects, just lay on all your charm, and take her really passionately. Not like she is a delicate little tool, let yourself go...(note: I'm not saying that you should take her by force or anything like that)
If you dated for 3+ years before you married, then you were both around 17 when you met? Were you both virgins at 17? Never had sex prior to that? You have told us you didn't have sex from 17 to 20 & 21 during the dating period.
So really the lack of sexual experience and desire does not surprise me. Maybe neither of you really know what to do, what pleases each other, etc., if you have never learned or had prior experiences to practise with. Have either of you read sexual books, watched sexual movies, or shared any sexual fantasies with each other? I am thinking not. Are either/both of you shy to discuss this?
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