Miscellaneous jokes

The schmuck
 An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.  No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.  Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.


 


The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:


 


"Hire a strapping young man.  While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.  That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."


 


They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.  They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.  It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.


 


"Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."


 


Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.


 


The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.




 


The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, you young schmuck?  THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>  > Gold Toilet
>  >
>  > Before  the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, George
>  > was invited to a get
>  > acquainted  tour of the White House.
>  >
>  > After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he  asked
>  > Bill Clinton if
>  > he could use his personal bathroom.
>  >
>  > When he  entered Clinton's  private toilet, he was
>  > astonished to see
>  > that President Clinton had a solid gold  urinal.
>  >
>  > That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the
>  > urinal.
>  >
>  > "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could
>  > have a gold urinal
>  > too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
>  >
>  > Later when  Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour
>  > of the White House,
>  > she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his
>  > discovery of the
>  > fact that, in the  President's private bathroom, the
>  > President had a gold
>  > urinal.
>  >
>  > That  evening, when Bill! and Hillary were getting
>  > ready for bed,
>  >   Hillary smiled, and  said to Bill....
>  > "I found out who pissed in your  Saxophone."
>  >
>  >
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________>  >
>  >
>A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first  hole when a second
> fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says  that he
> usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
>
> Both  are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
> we're about  evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The
> first fellow says  that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but
> agrees to the terms.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and
> as they're walking off of  the eighteenth hole, and while counting his
> $80.00, he confesses that he's the  pro at a neighboring course and likes
> to pick on suckers.
>
> The first fellow  reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
> Catholic
> Church to which the  second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
> offers to give the Priest  back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You
> won fair and square and I was  foolish to bet with you. You keep your
> winnings."
>
> The pro says, "Well, is  there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
>
> The Priest says, "Well, you  could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
> donation. Then, if you bring your mother  and father by after Mass, I'll
> marry them for you."