I want things to be better.

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Hi. I have posted a bit recently, but now i just want to give you the whole story so that i could have some advice please.

I met my boyfreind last december. He was my first boyfriend and he got my virginity. So the relationship has been very special.
He used to text me lovely messages all the time, be very thoughtfull, tell me he loved me.

Then things went down the line a bit, and in august I got depressed. He had his cousins down and couldnt see me much, and i got really angry with him because i was sad and he wasnt helping me much. I dont really know what help i expected.
Anyway, we just carried on, but we kept arguing, just stupid relationship type things, and i used to end up crying every single time.

Then in september he went to university. He was really busy and could see me very much. He made new friends and he loves it there- im happy for him because he never really was particually popular, and now he has a good social life.
However i did get a bit left out and i only saw him once a week. I should have been a bit more understanding i suppose- freshers and all that-, but i wasnt, i was realy demanding and possessive. I used to get upset over him all the time and get angry about really little things.

Then in october he broke up with me. I know he didnt want to, but he couldnt stand me being upset all the time, so he saw no other way.

a week later we got back together, he realised he hadnt given me much time, and so recently he has given me more time.

However, my depression has got a lot worse. I have been to the doctor and im on anti deporessents since mon the 14th. i think the depression added to why i was always upset, and why something was always wrong, even when it wasnt really.

Now Im a bit of a mess, and hes tried to help but cant really.
Im not speaking to him for a few days, because i need to get happy by myself, not just because he has phoned me or txted me.

He told me on sunday he doesnt know if he loves me- but he still likes me lots and loves being with me. He just cant handle me crying all the time and being so misserable and paranoid about him.
So the plan at the moment is just to keep together untill i get a bit better, and then have fun over christmas and see what happens.

I know i love him, although i do recognise that we arent perfect for each other and probably wont be together forever. But he was my first and i cant give up on him. I still feel there is a future for us and that we could be happy.

I DONT want to break up with him, and i know he wont break up with me at the moment, he still feels there could be a future and hes waiting for me to get better and see what happens.

I just want to know what any of you think. Hope ive made myself clear.
Thank you.

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He doesn't love you anymore in that "boyfriend girlfriend way" and doesn't want to hurt you or be the reason you go off the deep end. I would end it and move on. He isn't waiting to see if things get better. He's moved on already and is probably really unhappy being tied to you. I don't think there is any future with him.

Why would you not want to give up on a failing relationship? You aren't married. No kids. The guy took your virginity, not your soul. You might always remember him as your first but that "specialness" does seem to fade with time. There will be other guys. Move on and start to heal before this turns into a 3 ring circus and you end up ruining the next year of your and this guys life.

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Nooo. That makes things worse. Maybe you're right though. Its hard to see the truth though when you love someone.

I dont see why we cant get back to how we used to be. I think hes just confused because of the way i am at the moment. I am definately not gonna end it with him untill i get better. We cant just give up. we need to see what happens.

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The Pentacle Queen wrote:

Nooo. That makes things worse. Maybe you're right though. Its hard to see the truth though when you love someone.

What makes things worse?

The Pentacle Queen wrote:

I dont see why we cant get back to how we used to be. I think hes just confused because of the way i am at the moment.

That's the problem. He sees it, you don't. He isn't confused. He made his decision. Did you talk that week after breaking up? I think you are holding on to something that just isn't there anymore. If you want to continue to believe there is, go for it. But that's not what I see. Especially when you say things like "He told me on sunday he doesnt know if he loves me..." and "i know he wont break up with me at the moment..." At the moment? You are holding this guy emotionally hostage.

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I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well lately and it's great that you have gotten help. Also, it's good that you recognize that it's not a good thing if you tie your happiness to whether he is in contact with you. Excellent!

Now for some reality. He's in university, I am assuming you are not - are you working? In school? Sorry, haven't followed everything. But be that as it may (a) you're young and (b) he is doing one major thing in his life and you are doing something else. People change and grow apart and that is exactly what's happening, regardless of depression. It's the difference between a college student and a High School student. They just aren't the same person.

He is different and it will not be what it was. It never can, because he isn't what he used to be. And neither are you. I'm going to take a stab at your age - 17? 20? 22? Somewhere in between? Anywhere in there, regardless even of college, you are changing a lot (although college makes for more and faster changes). It's not a process that can or should be stopped. It's natural. Everyone goes through it. It's called maturation.

And it's not a horrible thing. But one thing I want to throw out here -- even if the relationship were not failing (and it is, all the crying and the hanging on are signs of that very thing), you could still be growing apart. When I left college and went on to Law School, I had a rather nice boyfriend in college. And we broke up in about October or November of my first year in Law School. It wasn't animosity. It was just that we were different people.

Let him go. And if you cannot, at least free him up to see other people, and don't beat yourself up if you do the same. Let this go. He was your first but believe me, most of us would never want to end up with our firsts. It's not through a lack of judgment, it's just because we've moved on. And you should, too.

Best of luck to you.

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The Pentacle Queen wrote:

Nooo. That makes things worse. Maybe you're right though. Its hard to see the truth though when you love someone. .

Love isnt blind. Love DOESNT blind.
Love is an action, a behavior, a state of mind .
It is something that BOTH people do.. not just one.
And this to me seems VERY one sided.
If anything else, step out of the situation to take care of you and stop trying to change and MAKE him into the someone you used to know.
Relationships change, they come and go.. they are good and bad.. but you have to give them ROOM to be these things.
Hanigng on by a percieved thread is only going to make this relationship something it isnt ment to be..
Respect yourself as a woman and understand that YOU need space too. And you need to take care of you before you try to make him see you again.
If you are taking anti depressants, know that it takes 3 or 4 weeks before YOU as a person have changed, feel a change, and are able to keep that change.

one week?

not enough time.

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I am definately not gonna end it with him untill i get better. .

wow
that is a very selfish statement.

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We cant just give up. we need to see what happens.

I think this would be more appropriate if you replaced the WE with I

Im not trying to bust your chops on this and I hope I am not sounding like I am.. but it is obvious to me that you are not considering HIS feelings, and that you think he should feel the same way you do . I mean.. you slept with him.. he should feel the same... you think?
Well.. no.
he is a totally diffrent person with totally diffrent ideals, desires, experiences etc.
What equates to you as love, may not to him.
You need to give him that room and respect him enough to LISTEN to him and trust what he says as HIS feelings.
Things will not always work in your favor.
Breaking up sucks.
It f-n hurts, and it changes your life.
Im sorry you are going through that.
But I can tell, from what you said, he is very clear.. and it seems to me you are trying to steal that clarity from him and make him feel something he doesnt.
Dont hurt yourself with that behavior and dont treat him that way. that will DEFINATLY make him leave you alone. He will run farther from you then he is right now.
Stop. Give him some time and space, he will be there. Dont worry.

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You are holding this guy emotionally hostage.

bingo.

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Bella has summed it up perfectly.

Now that you're getting some help for your depression (very, very glad you are!) you are in a position to make some other life changes.

Best luck!

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Well i have a leaflet and it says that you should not make any type of big decisions whilst depressed. I dont intend to. We have agreed to just relax and keep things cool until i get better, and then see how things go.

I know he isnt just going out with me so as to aviod responsibility for me being depressed. Before we knew I was depressed we broke up, and he asked me back out on his own accord, he said that whilst we were in the relationship he took me for granted, and when we broke up he realised he missed me, and he wanted to give me more time.

Everyone has doubts in relationships. Im sure he is finding it hard to cope with my irratic behaviour, he isnt very emotional and cant understand why i cry all the time, or prank him about 50 times to see if he will ring me back.

I dont get why you have said 'you are holding this guy emotionaly hostage.' Explain please.

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The Pentacle Queen wrote:

Everyone has doubts in relationships. Im sure he is finding it hard to cope with my irratic behaviour, he isnt very emotional and cant understand why i cry all the time, or prank him about 50 times to see if he will ring me back.

I dont get why you have said 'you are holding this guy emotionaly hostage.' Explain please.

You said it right there. " I cry all the time or prank him about 50 times to see if he will ring be back". That is holding someone emotionally hostage. Making them respond to your irrational emotional outbursts and causing them to feel guilt or uncertaintly because of it. He has already said he doesn't know if he loves you or not. Why do you think he said that? For fun? He's just not that into you anymore and rather than deal with the nasty breakup he knows will ensue, he's holding you at arms length and just doing enough to get by without flipping you out. I don't think he wants to deal with your emotional unstability when he does break up with you. THAT is holding someone emotionally hostage.

And you still didn't answer the question: Did you talk during the week you broke up?

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God don't bully me woman!!!

Yes we did. he was lovely, he phoned me and texted me exactly when he said he would which helped a lot.

Look, i dont know quite why im posting on here to be honest because i know my boyfriend best but he hates arguments and upset, thats just him. He always has done, so its pretty obvious thats why he cant cope.

we have agreed just to see how things go. He told me he wants things to get better, because he loves being with me. If things still arent great when i get better and we get sorted out then we will split up and i will just have to accept it as will he.

Until then i dont really need any more advice. Its only actuly confusing me further and making me feel negatively about our chances together.
Im going out with him tomorow night. I will just try and have fun and see how it goes.

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The Pentacle Queen wrote:

God don't bully me woman!!!

Look, I am giving you what you asked for: advice. If you are too bull headed and starry eyed to take it then don't. You didn't want advice anyway. You wanted affirmation and I won't give it to you in this situation.

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the reason you are getting blunt answers , is due to your choice of wording.

Just by what you say alone.. ON THIS SIDE OF THE SCREEN, it sounds like you are not listening to him, and not considering what he is saying.
It truthfully sounds like you are trying to ignore everything he says and wants because it doesnt mesh with your feelings and needs.

If that isnt the case, maybe you should re-word what you say. ?

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Maybe it is my wording. He never really says much to be honest!!!
He told me not to be paranoid, so im trying not to be, if he thinks there is nothing to be paranoid about im just gonna relax and see how it goes. I do take account to what he says.

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so what exactly DOES he say?
has he been to a doc appointment with you? Does he understand what depression is?

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No, I will ask him to have a look at a website though.

Well he can talk. What does he say about what?

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I want things to be better.

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