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Sun 30 Oct, 2005 11:47 am
Hello All, I realize a lot of ladies (and many guys) have probably been in this situation before, and I am not alone. And that is why I am asking for your advice about how to stop my sexual fixation.
For the past year, I have not spent more than a month and a half alone - and none of that time was willing. I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't care about when I was 18 (a month before I turned 19). It was good sex, it seems strange that my first was the best, but he taught me a lot about loving my body, not being ashamed of myself, and how to have good sex. He was quite a bit more experienced than me. I don't know why I slept with him because I didn't love him or even really like him, but I don't really regret it because he never did anything to hurt me, nor did he ever force me into anything. I think I just made a choice because I was ready to. That was okay, but I didn't want to turn into some kind of a slut - and I don't think I am.
But then, I met "Alex," who treated me with a lot more personal respect than the first guy did. I met him only a month after I broke things off with my little sex-buddy. We had a lot in common intellectually, but we just werent on the same page romantically or spiritually. He's only 5 years older than me (he is now 25), but he seems to have some sexual disfunction. I didn't think that sex was that important to me until him. We had a lot of problems in the bedroom. I tried to remember that sex isnt the most important thing, and that I cared about him. But every time we argued it had to do with sex. Finally, we broke up one night after having sex and him telling me that it was my fault that he couldnt finish because I wanted him to use a condom even though I was on birth control. Well, we had done it without condoms and it never helped. I got mad, and then sad, and then I let it go.
I then went to France for a semester where I met Ahmed, who I had sex with on our second date. He was Algerian, and his family were non-practicing muslims. Even though he didn't practice Islam (he drank and smoked and didn't pray five times a day, never went to mosque), coming from a Middle-Eastern country, there certainly wasn't a whole lot of opportunity for premarital sex for him back home. I took his virginity (he was 23!). I felt terrible, but realized that he had a choice in the matter even if I did make the first move. This was a very bad thing though because sex became very focal between us. And he seemed to think that because we made love, that we were going to get married. He tried to act like he was very modern and open. But I could see through that, because he openly admitted that if he ever found another guy flirting with me, he would beat him. He tried to hide his jealousy, but I could see it. And he forced me to have sex (not physically, but emotionally manipulated me) on more than one occasion. I still cannot think about sex with him without cringing.
This has been particularly trying of a year because my faith in God has been waivering. A lot of you probably notice that I post often on the Spirituality and Religion forum, and I don't want to seem like a hypocrit for my actions, but I've made mistakes and thats all I can say.
Anyway, I came back to school, and "Alex," my ex, wanted to get back together. We tried, and we argued a lot again about religion, philosophy, politics, relationships, sex, sex, and then for a change of pace, sex. He didn't want to try anything new. And he told me outright that sex wasnt important to him, and that I was patronizing him by trying to have sex. I was upset because it made me feel unattractive. Well we were on and off for a while and he finally broke up with me, and told me the truth, which is that he is chronically depressed. He cannot stand to be around anyone, let alone in a serious relationship. That explains a lot about his premature sexual disfunction. And I understood his reasons for leaving and let it go.
Now, I am alone, and I masturbate compulsively, like every day. I constantly think about sex. This morning in Church I was thinking about sex. That opens a whole can of worms about religion that I dont feel like getting into. I guess my question is this: I am only 20, so I understand that a high sex drive is normal, but I feel like sex has been the focal point of my past three and my only real relationships. Is this normal? And if I want to get past this, how do I do so?
Thank you for being patient and reading my post. I look foward to your responses.
daniell, I have the same problem. I think alot of people do. Your obviously not a slut. In fact you seem to be a well grounded concientious girl. I don't think guilt or settling for no or poor sex is the answer. You just need to go about it the right way. I think you need to find a partner that likes sex as much as you do. I've only had a couple girlfriends in my life that were as sexual as me. I'm not a doctor or a counselor I just want you to know your situation is very normal. Theres nothing you should feel guilty for thinking about sex in church. God made us the way we are. He knows were human. The guilt is what I think is bad for you. But I'm a guy maybe you need to hear from A girl.
We exist because of sex. That's why we're fixated with it. And there's nothign wrong with that.
Danjelle --
I am not a psychoanalyst, but I see nothing in your description that I find out of the ordinary. Nothing you report, from sleeping around a bit at 19 to masturbating every day in the absence of someone to sleep with, sounds in any way alarming to me. Like your emerging religious doubts, I see these as by-products of your growing up. I can see why these things could be disturbing and maybe painful to you, but I find them normal. I have no advice for you except this: Try not to feel so guilty about it.
You're normal. Don't feel guilty about having normal thoughts and normal desires. It is normal to want your partner to satisfy your needs for emotional and physical fullfillment. It is great that you wanted to discuss this issue with Alex, but he wasn't mature enough to deal with the fact that he wasn't satisfying his woman and he didn't want to communicate with you to figure out how to fix the problem. I suppose he figured that you ought to suffer in silence and respect his male pride issues--but that only demonstrates his lack of maturity.
Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship; and the ability to communicate in manner that resolves incompatibility issues is also important in a relationship. A good relationship requires two mature individuals who will communicate with each other concerning their most important needs:
See
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
If you are in a relationship with a man who is unable or unwilling to engage in effective communication necessary to resolve relationship issues, then it's time to move on before you waste years of your life. You're normal and there is no need to feel guilty about being normal.
I also want to add that your ability to give yourself an orgasm through masturbation is a gift, not a curse. Despite your unwarranted feelings of guilt, you are in the process of overcoming the effects of hundreds of generations of sexual repression placed upon the female gender. You're discovering your natural (or God-given) ability to experience sexual pleasure. In some primitive societies, women are not supposed to enjoy sex and the people engage in ritual mutilation of female genitalia in order to deprive women of sexual pleasure as a means to ensure their fidelity to their future husbands. Wouldn't you agree that depriving women of the ability to orgasm is wrong? Despite generations of repression, experiencing sexual pleasure is NOT a sin. Making love to your partner shouldn't be an unpleasant duty that religious women observe solely to procreate. Making love is supposed to be one of the most pleasant, unrepressed aspects of your relationship with the man you love.
Thank you all for your well-thought replies. I suppose getting rid of what we call "catholic guilt" is always an issue.
You are so normal. I'd pretty much be echoing what everyone else said.
I guess I'll just throw in a girls voice to the mix. I love sex. Yes, it is okay for women to love sex as much as men. And not all men are sexual compatibles. I've met some really great guys who I have connected with on many levels: but when it comes to the bedroom it is just not a fit. That's ok.
Also, depression can really suck the juice out a person. An extremely sexual person can lose interest by no fault of their own. It's not fun.
Good luck.
Yeah, i understand why he had to leave with the depression. I was just disappointed he wasn't more honest with me about it earlier on. He said he thought I would judge him. Maybe I come across that way sometimes because I am opinionated, and that is where his fear came from. It just hurts to find out that somebody I thought trusted me actually didn't and that could have even been my fault.
daniellejean wrote:It just hurts to find out that somebody I thought trusted me actually didn't and that could have even been my fault.
Don't go there, Danielle!
The physicist Richard Feynman, who is one of my heroes, had a time in his life when some people, including himself, expected too much of his future work. In particular, Cornell University wanted to hire him on the unstated expectation that he would do Nobel-Price-winning work for them. Meanwhile, he felt burnt out from his work on the atomic bomb, and thought he was barely capable of any productive work at all. After much agony over this, he invented a simple but effective rule:
You are not responsible for other people's expectations about you. If Cornell wanted to hire him based on an overblown expectation, tough luck for them. So he accepted. His new-found sloppy attitude led to a quick recovery from his burnout, and he did eventually win a Nobel Price.
I recommend the same rule to you. If "Alex" decided not to trust you when you know he could have, that is his problem, not yours. You are not responsible for Alex's expectations about you. There really is no point in blaming yourself about his false expectations which were negative in this case. They will drive you into a premature heart attack, but won't help anyone in any way. Just be your own, trustworthy self and let others decide how to think of you, and how to act on their opinions about you. That's the best you can do, and if you do it you'll be fine most of the time.
hey daniellejean,
Please don't blame yourself. Honestly. When someone is depressed, it is soo hard to talk about things. It is hard to open up. You just being there is all you could have done: and you did that. You couldn't have done any more!
It is an extremely draining and negative state to be in. Your insides feel all rotten and life just loses its luster. Sometimes; people can be jerks when they are depressed. It can seem like they don't care bc they have shut down big parts of themselves.
(yeah, i'm talking from experience here. jolly right). Please understand that he was probably just doing what he thought was best. When super-depressed, many people withdraw from all loved ones completely. It can feel like it is better for them to not have us in our lives.
Okay, okay. Basically, I'm just trying to let you know that it isn't your fault. Don't blame yourself. It is what it is - and it is no one's fault. He is simply depressed and acting accordingly.
Sexual addiction is like any other addiction. It disrupts your life and is put above many other needs, like food, housing and family. If you were an addict, you'd be spending money on sex, doing it far more than once a day and finding that it controlled your life; not just thoughts of it but planning your life around it (ie, I can't go out with friends tonight because I have to stay home and masturbate)
What you feel is a high sex drive and many, many people have it!
DJ - You just haven't meet the right man yet. You are young and have plenty of time. I also had a disastrous relationship with a man from the middle east, it was all cultural. He wasn't a bad person, but he came from a very different perspective. Look for someone with similar world views as your own.
Most young men do need guidance when it comes to understanding a woman's body, and the best way for a man to learn is with the help of a young woman who knows her body intimately.
Green Witch wrote:
Most young men do need guidance when it comes to understanding a woman's body, and the best way for a man to learn is with the help of a young woman who knows her body intimately.
Most men in general.
It's amazing how many older men haven't a clue....but I blame women because it's up to us to tell men how we like it.
DJ, I can see you are troubled and I don't wish to add to your turmoil. After all, I am a 64 year old former lecher and have no right to make judgements.
But one thing I have found out in the past four decades is that God does not proscribe extra marital sex because He doesn't want us to enjoy life. The counsel to restrict sexual activity to the marriage bed is to protect us from the consequences of unhealthy choices.
Take a vacation from it. Hang out with friends. Study. Join a gym. See if you don't feel better about yourself with the passing of time.
OH, and the typical 15 to 30 year old male is a hormone hurricane.
Thanks neologist, thats just what Im hoping to do - take a break.
Bella Dea wrote:Green Witch wrote:
Most young men do need guidance when it comes to understanding a woman's body, and the best way for a man to learn is with the help of a young woman who knows her body intimately.
Most men in general.
It's amazing how many older men haven't a clue....but I blame women because it's up to us to tell men how we like it.
I read a large book on the subject once, and learned that an average woman has at least three erronious zones, and one of these can be located without the aid of a torch.
Lord Ellpus wrote:Bella Dea wrote:Green Witch wrote:
Most young men do need guidance when it comes to understanding a woman's body, and the best way for a man to learn is with the help of a young woman who knows her body intimately.
Most men in general.
It's amazing how many older men haven't a clue....but I blame women because it's up to us to tell men how we like it.
I read a large book on the subject once, and learned that an average woman has at least three erronious zones, and one of these can be located without the aid of a torch.
You're scary!
Unless, of course, I'm erroneous.
@daniellejean,
Being an admirer of SEX, I can tell you I masturbated more than once a day at your age and there's nothing wrong with it. Even today, I go to pay porn sites and get off on my own.
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