Husband too close to his longtime female "friend."

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Hi all. Well I am new to this board. I am glad to have found it! Well, heres the story.
My husband has a close girl friend that he talks to who lives in texas. He has known her for about 8 years, a little longer than he has known me. Anyway ever since we've been married they have talked quite a bit, and a few years ago they were talking through email and it turned out they wanted to be a little more than friends. He was telling her that he loved her. She was probably saying the same thing back.

Anyway, that was back in 98-99, but I guess I havent really gotten over it and they still talk now. He knows Id prefer that they didnt talk anymore but he does anyway. He thinks im being silly for thinking that anything is going on. .She is married with a child, as are we. I just dont like their close relationship. They talk every few days, sometimes a few days in a row, and once in awhile a few times in one day. They also send pictures back and forth sometimes. Every time they talk on the phone I get all annoyed with him. It just frustrates me that they talk so much. Also, she is from the same city that I am from, and he keeps telling me how we should go visit my mom , because she always comes up here to visit. I guess I always just think he has an ulterior motive when he says that.

Anyway I dont mind if they just talk sometimes, but yesterday she called and they talked about half an hour, and then she called again later, and they just talked for a minute. She said she had to get back to whatever she was doing.. Then why did she even call in the first place?? Anyway, I heard some of their conversation from earlier in the day. She was asking him for his work address to send pictures to, supposedly of her daughter and her this halloween.. Anyway my husband was saying "well Ill be waiting for them" and "i like the pictures that you send." I suppose thats not so awful, just a little annoying. We are planning a trip down to texas, where shes from, actually my hometown, and he was asking if she thought her husband would mind them hanging out.. He was talking to her about when her husband left him a nasty voicemail awhile back because of all the calls that she was making to him.

Anyway, my husband says that they worked it out, but still seems to think her husband might get upset.. Gee, I wonder why? lol Anyway, there wasnt too much else to the conversation.. Seems like they will talk about any small thing, just to talk. They were talking about different kinds of foods they like and dislike, etc..I just think their relationship is weird.

Now, I have found out that they are emailing each other again. My husband is telling her things like he dreams about her, though he didnt say what the dreams were about, that her emails brighten his day, and also he tells her that he hopes to see her again sometime soon. Then just recently, I read an email he sent her saying "sometimes I will just lay in bed thinking about you, you are a truly wonderful friend." Now this really upset me and I know this is not just a friendly relationship.

I just dont know what to do about it. It doesnt sound good. He has already lied and told me he didnt even have her new email address and doesnt talk to her through email. So he has lied quite a bit in our relationship. I feel like I can never really trust him again.

Anyway, I saw someone post about a book called "Not just a friend." I actually just ordered this book. Has anyone here read it? Well, I am open to any advice. Sorry this post is so long.. Thanks all!

P.S.
He calls her "my friend" and doesnt call her by her name.. Is that weird or is it me?

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Hello Jen and welcome to a2k Smile

Having friends of the opposite sex is not so unusual, however,
your husband seems to be preoccupied with his "friend" a
tad too much.

If her intentions were honest she would send pictures and
any other correspondence to your house for you to see
as well. Not only that, she would make an effort to be friends
with you too, had she any interest in her friend's wife.

Dto. for your husband: had he any interest in his "friend's"
life, then he would encourage a friendship with her husband as well.

Both are interested in an exchange with each other only,
neither spouse is asked to join or participate. If it was me,
I would insist on being included in this friendship
while pursuing a more infrequent exchange at the same time.

If they both decline, than the answer is clear.

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The road to hell is paved with good intentions

This is a tough one as your husband has commited adultry while at the same time you must look at it from his standpoint. There are so many ways that one can corrupt a relationship of the closest to them far before a sexual standpoint. He has made this person that which makes him feel close and enjoyed while you are the one who should be in this place. At the same time some things are easier said then done, this type of situation is caused by means which are usually out of your control, I wouldn't doubt that if given the choice he would no doubt put you in this place but he doesn't know how. Some things just happen and you have to go with them, i'm certain he has gone through this with a true heart for you but somewhere along the way he didn't see the line that he so easily crossed. Now he is trying to hide the fact that the sanctity of your marriage has been defiled. Did he mean to, not at all, but that dosen't change the fact that he has.

What should you do? Well I really can't tell you this one, his love for you hasn't changed at all and his good intentions for a close innocent friendship have gone wrong. What you do need to do is put an end to his relationship, even in it's innocence its creation is demonic in existance. There is no easy way out of this as pushing him out will leave no way for you to exist in the pure sense you know is there which is not being allowed to strive. Letting this continue does nothing but smote your fire. You can't blame him as i'm sure you would do the same when in his place. You can't be angry when the exact same thing isn't carried over to your relationship as circumstances have quite the effect on all of us.

If she was the one for him, to be with, then he wouldn't be in your arms. As hurtfull as it may sound, this kind of feeling isn't one which is meant to last and in fact has been fueled by the fact it isn't meant to last. Both of them know they shouldn't be, both of them have the kindest of beginnings, both of them have taken the easy route out of their every day lives and met in the path of indulgence, niether has to face hardships of life and both enjoy shareing this. This isn't love which they feel, love is so much more then feeling close to one, love is endureing, love is never ending, love is forever.

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There is a great line that is relevant to this in a play by Tom Stoppard called "The Real Thing" where the father (Henry) is explaining the point of his play, "House of Cards" to his daughter Debbie. The conversation turns into an explanation about what infidelity actually is. The lines go:

Henry: It [the play] was about self-knowledge through pain
Debbie: No, it was about did she have it off or didn't she. As if having it off is infidelity.
Henry: Most people think it is
Debbie: Most people think not having it off is fidelity. They think all relationships hinge in the middle. Sex or no sex. What a fantastic range of possibilities. Like an on/off switch. Did she or didn't she. By Henry Ibsen. WHy would you want to make it such a crisis?

Now, the context of this scene is not exactly the same as your situation, but I think she makes some very valid points, that fidelity and infidelity are not confined to sex or no sex. And in my opinion, your husband is being emotionally unfaithful to you. That leaves you with a choice...to accept the status quo with some misery but little argument. Or call him on it and accept the consequences, which could be that he stops talking to her, or could be that you two split, or maybe somewhere in the middle. Just remember to put your happiness first.

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IMO I think its just a dangerous game they are both playing with each other, they have remained in contact through out each others marriages and through out the birth of both family's children...I think the intentions initially were just being great mates..but over the years it appears to me, it has grown to become more than just that.

In reality in your situation, there is no need for them to be talking to each other every other day or so, its bad enough emailing constantly let alone phone conversations, her husband would have been highly annoyed if the truth be known, and hes probably been told a few untruths.

If I were you, I would put my foot down and say Ive have had enough, I would phone the woman and tell her I think shes being a bit disrespectful to me and my family and to tone it down a bit, then I would have a chat to her husband, find out if he is at all comfortable with the situation-if he says he is, then he is clueless to the truth or just an idiot!

I would be telling my husband the same thing I told her, and ask him whats more important to him 'her' or his family??

At the end of the day, she means nothing to you and its no skin off your nose if you upset her feelings :wink:

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He knows that he's hurt you in the past with this woman and he's well aware of your feelings now and yet he maintains the relationship, saying that you're the one with the problem?
Not a nice way for a loving husband to behave.
Should you just accept this? For how long? Forever?

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You damn well should be annoyed with him, don't let him talk you into feeling guilty about it...he's way out of line

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I completely agree with CalamityJane and will add my two cents:

Your post, Jen, disheartened me a little. At what point in a committed relationship does it become acceptable to hurt the feelings of one's significant other to serve their own needs?

I honestly have never been that deep into a relationship, but I like to think that I would recognize it right away and put a stop to it.

Your feelings are being hurt as your husband puts his desires above your needs. There needs to be some sort of resolution to this, or you'll only get more and more miserable.

Communicate, listen, articulate yourself in a sensitive manner, seek professional help; if that doesn't work, well, just cross that bridge when you come to it. But, things need to change; take actions to ensure that they do.

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If they use to be in love, or love eachother, and are acting in the manner you say.. that is WRONG! dont care what anybody says. i would NEVER keep contact with any of my longtime guy friends like that, if we use to be in love or date. he is hurting you and needs to fix it. i cant believe you put up with that... im sorry but TO ME: that is cheating. emontional infidelity. everyone has their different opion, but i myself would consider this cheating. especially when he has to go around and lie about it

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Yeah, your hubby is taking advantage of your understanding and kind nature.
He has it pretty sweet while you are left with a bitter taste in your mouth.

You need to knock some reality into him. Make your feelings known and don't put up with him crossing those lines anymore.

You deserve to feel safe and understood with your spouse. You don't need to let him have everything he wants.

Y'know, the more I live and breathe the more I think I'm not cut out for marriage. Laughing

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Nah...I think there's someone out there for you flushd

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Don't fordid your husband to hang out with a female friend..If you do, he'll likely hang with her behind your back and resent the fact you hate his friendship with her.

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So Sarge, what do you suggest?

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TheSarge wrote:

Don't fordid your husband to hang out with a female friend..If you do, he'll likely hang with her behind your back and resent the fact you hate his friendship with her.

Having two people of the opposite sex, no matter how trusted, spend large quantities of time alone together is NEVER a good idea. You're just inviting trouble, and it WILL come back to bite you.

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Husband too close to his longtime female "friend."

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