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No Porno for you Mister!

Forums: Relationships
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What do y'all think about pornography in a relationship? Do you get angry if you see your guy/girl with porno? What are your views concerning 'those magasine and tapes hidden in the bathroom"? Do you avoid getting involved with someone who likes porno A LOT?!

I'm in a fairly new relationship with a guy. It's still in the 'getting to know you and what you're all about' stage. Somehow, we touched on the topic of porno (somehow Laughing

Laughing

). He was saying he enjoys porn on occasion. Okay, nothing wrong with that in my books. BUT; as time goes on I am discovering that he enjoys it on more than just occasion. As far as I know, he doesn't have any extreme freakiness - he's fairly healthy and gets excited the old fashioned way. He's not a fetish-nut or looking at kiddie porn.

Okay....just to make this clear before I give my position...I am a fairly liberal person with bad habits of my own.

But, this porno-indulgence kinda turns me off. I've been around long enough and dated a lot of people; and I feel to have picked up on a few things. Here's my take: Lots of porn is not healthy. It can be an indicator of problems that WOULD be my concern if I'm involved with the person on more than a friendlike level. If I had my way: my mate would not own any pornography, not keep tapes, not go into sex shops except once in a blue moon. In fact; if I find out this guy is a 'frequent flier' at a sex store that's a deal-breaker. I may have to walk out on this one. Going to look at a porn site on the net once in a while is fine, buying a mag once in a while is fine.....but, but.....

What do you think? I'm not looking for relationship advice. I'm looking to see how other people think and feel about this.

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Masturbation and porn are pretty commonplace and accepted nowadays....it's hard to know where to draw the line between whats too wierd and what's not. I think you just have to judge for yourself, what is too wierd for you to be comfortable with...and I'm sure you know where that line is.

What is "on occassion" to you? Read some FAQS, you'll find it's pretty common for guys to masturbate multiple times daily...which probably means looking at porn just as much.

edit: Being a frequenter of sex shops is a different story though

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well, I don't feel comfortable with porn viewing at all. I just dislike the attitude that it's okay to look at as many zillions of naked women in any kind of demeaning postures and situations as you want. Those are real women who might have some pretty sad histories-- do we really think that it's healthy for these women to allow themselves to have this done to them, and do we really want to have our society encourage this industry?

Besides that, I think we as a society are encouraging men to be their basest and worst selves. "It's natural!" they protest. It is? There are naturally occuring photographs and videos of sexual acts that men are naturally supposed to look at?

It may be natural for men to have high sex drives and a lot of interest in women. But it ain't natural to sit around looking at picture after picture of all sorts of outright depravity-- and sorry, but a lot of it is getting pretty depraved; it is far beyond just a "natural" interest in seeing thousands of unknown women with their legs spread.

Natural is to have sex with real live other people, and to use your own little fevered imagination on occasion. I really think by telling young men that it's only natural to sit around looking at God knows what images constantly, we're just telling them to let their worst and lowest instincts take over. I know I'm letting myself in for all sorts of accusations of prudery, so have at it.

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cyphercat, I don't find that's prudish at all. I myself have been accused of being a prude (also a feminist bitch) simply because I object to some of the stuff in mainstream acceptance. Go with your gut.

Some porn is okay, but IMO a lot of pornography is sick (in the literal sense of the word). A lot of it is feeding abuse - and that is the aspect I don't like. You get these young guys that think a woman should be acting like the chicks in a porno. That ain't good! There are lesser problems with it too: like IMO a guy who uses porn several times a day....well, why? Girls have high sex drives too and masturbate! However, we've been drilled to 'take it' rather than seek it. There are so many young women walking around acting as though their bodies are just sperm dumpsters - hook one of them up with a guy that thinks that's cool and how a woman is supposed to act: and that's a pretty bad situation.

Okay. I'm not trying to say all porn is bad nor is it the cause for all the deeper issues. Obviously not. But a lot of porn is someone's life makes me raise an eyebrow to say the least.

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Pornography like many other things is what you make of it. I believe that haveing the want to view beauty in a sexual manner can have its positive side, if one is able to view pornography tastefully it can be a wonderfull thing. The view of porn stars as defiled dumpsters with no morals is imposeing, where you may see a woman empty trying to feel better about herself, I see someone who is proud of her body and enjoys showing it off and doing what she likes, the fact that anything you say can't take that away speaks more then what she does

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Deler,
Are you saying that there is absolutely no limit?
There are definete cases of abusive pornography. Hell, I could dig some up for you right now by a simple Google search!

I'm just wondering what the limit is for you? If your gf/bf kept stacks of porn by the bed, would you be cool with that? Porn with animals - is that cool? A woman being gagged and tortured and raped in porn: and you catch your partner looking at this stuff, would you be concerned?

I'm not trying to bust your balls, I'm just curious what everyone's lines are.
BTW: I think the abusive pornography is as abusive to men as it is to women. Abuse is double-edged.

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I'm with you flushd.

Let me start by saying that I am a very visual person. I'm a girl and I work as a photographer. I shoot some boudoir, nudes, etc. When I get a call with someone asking about "sexy" photos I always ask what they think is "sexy" and I ask them to be specific. If their ideas cross my comfort line, I refer them to other photographers.

My comfort line is a bit short of the Playboy type stuff but I think Playboy is pretty sexy - I just don't want to spend the rest of my life on retouching. My husband subscribes on occasion and it doesn't bother me a bit.

But Playboy isn't porn.

If he looks at other stuff, and he probably does, I really don't want to know about it. I think it's kind of gross and not at all a turn on. I don't find it arousing or erotic or anything other than cheesy.

And I do think that as an industry that pornography is demeaning to both sexes. I don't get the "someone proud of her body" and thats why she does porn bit.

I have met and known and talked to way to many strippers to fall for that. Their body is a tool and they take care of it. I don't disrespect them. I know why they do what they're doing. A lot of them like their job and they make good money.

Most of them think the men who come into the clubs are absolute a**holes too.

I don't really understand why people enjoy porn. I just don't get it. To each their own. Sex is great and sex is fun but watching other people have sex..... ? I don't get it.

If I were in your shoes I think I'd delve a little deeper into his use and be willing to walk.

To me, over indulgence in anything is a red flag.

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Flushd, nobody is going to disagree that porn viewing can't be taken too far...but you haven't really said anything yet to indicate that he is extremely into it. All you said was that he looks at it more frequently than he original told you. How much is that? And what kind of porn is it? Because, as people on this thread have already made abundantly clear, the kind of porn makes a huge difference...

I don't want to be the avatar of porn or anything...but I think you are all looking at this from the wrong angle. Has it ever occured to you that women simply think differently, and that most women are less comfortable with porn? I've never met a woman who regularly looked at porn....on the other hand, almost every guy I know looks at porn to some degree. This does not make them all sick, it is simply evidence that you cannot use your own logic to analyze a man's porn habits...because the man literally thinks differently.

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stuh,
I'm not 100% how much he looks at it, but I do know that he looks several times a week that I know of and it is hard-core porn. So, I would guess it's a lot more than that. I have to delve a little deeper to know for sure.

Sure, men and women think differently. That's true. But, there are men who don't use porno regularly. It's not as normal as a lot of people would make it out to be. Looking at beautiful women; sure. Playboy: sure. But gratifying a large portion of sexual needs via masturbation with the aid of pornography - not really that normal for a grown man who has a live woman in their life!

I guess in my eyes I see it as a bit of a maturity issue, a possible red flag for other issues, and that's why I care so much. It's the kind of thing I would have accepted at 20, but now it seems not in line with me.

Thanks for another look at it Stuh.

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Where you draw the line is different for everyone, the thing I see is that you can't blame the porn for something an individual does. I'm a recovering porn addict "hello my name is deler and i'm addicted to porn". My porn habbits greatly effected me as I was in my teens, everywhere I went I was like a dog with a boner, I looked at women in levels of hotness, I'd do her I'd do her I'd do her probably her too, hell it's almost all I thought about. When I've had a woman the porn has taken a back seat but my boner didn't go away and it caused problems. Now the issue is when one blames it on the porn when I can look back and see that it wasn't my addiction to porn that caused my problems but my problems that caused my addiction to porn. It's hard to draw the line on what causes what and I agree that addictions are addictive, most people don't recognize that their addiction effects/reflects parts of their life

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So that you have perspective on my opinion, I am in my 20's. And now that I've explained my liberal opinions on porn in general...I'll be honest, I'm trying to cut back on the porn that I look at, I'm probably addicted around the same level as your hubby.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's not affecting my life, but I have been trying to quit for a long time with no success nonetheless.

Now that I think about it, I think it is really very similar to being addicted to drugs, without the repercussions. Anytime I am feeling stressed out, it immediately makes me stop caring about whatever is troubling me at the time.

Being in a relationship really makes me want to quit it but it's not just a decision to be made. I swore it off for good but it didn't last long...perhaps the guy you're dating doesn't want to do it either, and maybe you could help him quit? I don't know if it's possible to break the habit permanently, but it's a hell of a lot easier when you're "getting it" on a regular basis.

Just recognize that it's probably not something he's in control of, so if he tells he's not going to ever do it again...he may not be lying but like any addiction it's not that easy.

Good luck!

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Deler and Stuh, I really appreciate the candid replies.

To be honest, what you're saying doesn't surprise me in the least.
I want to ask though: what makes you want to stop/ cut down on the porn?

I'm 26 (now here's my turn for a candid admission) yet I've spent years of my life in an oblivion of partying, dating, boozing and drugs. I was really out there. I went up and down on the rollercoast of sex, drugs, and rockn'roll...and learned a lot of tough lessons. There wasn't much I wouldn't do. I was as addicted to lots of things. It's never about what you are addicted to.
I'll take the risk and sound arrogant; but I think I'm a fairly good judge of people now. I scan people when they walk in a room, and it ain't too hard to pick out who wants what, why, and what I could get in return. I also pick up on nuances in character poking out (usually the bad things).

I try to use this for good rather than evil nowadays Twisted Evil

Twisted Evil

I am a little hesitant to enter a relationship that needs 'my help' right off the bat. If I find out that it is over-the-top then he will have to decide if/when he wants to change it. Not for me to work on - I just need to size it up a little more before deciding if I can live with it.

Thanks. Again, I truly appreciate the honesty. It helped a lot.

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flushd,

The only reason that I'd like to cut back on porn is because I think that it would make sex even more special with the woman I love. We have great sex already, but I'm afraid that if I keep it up my stamina might increase to a level that makes it too difficult to reach...you know? Don't want that to happen.

From your posts I've picked up that you're a very candid and sensible woman, a rarity...but I think all women still want a man who can take-charge (no offense to you crazy feminists), and I think that means you need a particularly special guy who will at least be able to keep up with you...and by that, I mean someone who is very firmly grounded in sanity, confident, ambitious, and charming.

If this guy needs a lot of help off the bat, that's obviously not a bonus...but don't forget that everyone can need a helping hand sometimes and even the most confident man may still benefit from a woman's support.

By the way, one more comment about the porn...a good distinction to make is the way he goes about it. If he is just picking up magazines, I think that's the least serious...that means he's doing it because he thinks its cool, viewing stuff on the internet is pretty medium, but if they have online subscriptions or buy porno videos from the store than this is more troubling I think, because this means he's willingly forking over money when he's NOT horny, which means he's completely given over to it.

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I think that it is a matter of degree. Men are very visual, and are many are turned on by porn. If the person's desire to see porn becomes obsessive, IMO, it is not healthy. If he uses it as a substitute for a healthy sexual relationship with a real, live woman, when a relationship is available, that is not healthy. Also, if a man is into the degrading sort of porn, I think that he has problems.

A little porn can spice up a sexual relationship, especially if the couple shares the experience. If a man needs the porn in order to get excited, I say, run like hell.

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Thank you.

I think I may have jumped to conclusions a little too fast. I don't want to blow this out of proportion.
I really appreciate all the insight here. It's going to make my decision a lot easier.

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Also, refer to my post on the subject: http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=62252&highlight=

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I have no problem with porn being used in a relationships, however, there are times when you don't need to see a size 8, bronzed goddess jiggling her wobbly bits around on top of some adonis with a 12" schlong....

If you are in a new relationship, it should be about discovering each other and exploring each other rather than the latest Tera Patrick film and it's delights Very Happy

Very Happy

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Those Porn dudes are kind of weird if you ask me. I'm talking about those 'porn as ahobby' guys. The ones that go to a porn shop like their going to 7-Eleven.

I know some younger dudes that will put a porno on like their watching a regular movie. They'll all sit around and watch a a porno like there watching Jeopardy.

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I have a very good marriage (11 years) and a great sex life. However, I do like my private time very much and I peruse porn on a regular basis.

I don't see anything wrong with it and it's really no one's business but my own. In any long-term relationship or marriage one should be entitled to a reasonable degree of privacy.

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Holy lord flushd, just do a search of A2K with the word "porn" and you will get your answer.

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