False Hope?

Hi everyone. I am a 40 year old man that has been married to my beautiful wife for 15 years, 2 weeks and 3 days. We have two wonderful children, daughter 17 (her daughter at the time.. which I adopted) and our 14 year old son.

I'm going to try and give as much info as I can but I'm not too good at collecting and expressing my thoughts. So it might seem a little jumbled. Sorry.

I have always loved my wife more than anything in this world. If anyone could be acused of loving someone too much.. it would be me. Not a day would go by without telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. Smothered her with hugs and kisses constantly. I am a very affectionate and needy person. Please understand that even through what is about to follow in this message.. I have always said and done these things daily.

Throughout our marriage there have been many obstacles along with some ups and downs. I feel that I caused many of the downs during the first half of our marriage. I believe I was too controlling and put too many demands, limitations and expectations on her. Mental torchure maybe? I had anger management issues and would lose controll vocally. "F" this and "F" that when things did not go my way. I don't know why I did some of the things I did but I did. I acted so childish and played silly mind games. All because I felt she could not reciprocate the love and affection that I showed her. I would say things like... If you gave me half of what you give the kids I would be a happy man. Or.. why didn't you call me when you said you would.. don't you love me? Why aren't you holding my hand? I could go on but I think you get the point. I would throw silly & stupid little tantrums. I would do these things even though I knew she loved me. Most of this transpired after a move to another state 1000 miles from her family. Years 2 through 7.

Well, After she threatened to leave me midway through our marriage, I told her and decided I needed to make some changes (on my own) or loose my wife. I did make a lot of changes. I learned to control my anger signifcantly but not completely. Same with the silly games. At the same time though.. I felt that she was not making any changes. Maybe I caused too much damage?

So we decided it was best to move back where she could have the love and support of her family while we try and rebuild. Again things got better.. even on her part. It was still not perfect but we were the happiest we had ever been.

What I did not mention above was that there were money issues throughout. We had the kids and she wanted to be the stay home mom. It was a real struggle. She finally realized that she needed to work but only so much. I feel this was a factor for some of my anger.

Anyway.. like I said things were getting better. She went to school, got her degree and started her career. You could see that her self esteem and self worth was on the rise. My business was starting to take off. Things were good. That is.. until about 3 years ago.

She made a new best friend and co-worker. We'll call her Jane. Great... right? I thought it was! Well my wife decides to tell me something that her friend told her. I was okay... what is it? She says well.. John & Jane are swingers. I said.. you're kidding me? She then proceeds to tell me about some of the crazy, disgusting sh!t they've done. Mainly gangbang crap both with and without her husband. I'm like OH MY GOD??? To top it off... His fantasy is to come home and find her in bed with another guy? SICK? They have 3 kids... all girls.

I'm like babe.. that's not normal. She says she knows. I said you cannot associate with that... I DON'T CARE how nice she is. Her answer was you can't tell me who I can be friends with.

I didn't know how to handle it so I went along as best I could for the last three years. I honestly believe that my wife could not be influenced by their lifestyle but there was that speck of.. what if?

So this is where things really went south again. Jane would call my wife after work every day. It bothered me tremendously and I would give her a hard time about it. Saying... Why does she need to call SO MUCH? Is that Jane AGAIN? Huff, puff and sigh each time she'd call................ Finally getting them to not talk at the house as much. I learned to go along with it somewhat. We as a couple went out a couple times (just dinner!) just to make my wife happy. It was not frequent enough and my wife wanted to know why I hated them? Biting my tongue I said I don't hate them.. I just don't like them.

Next came the gym. My wife up until a couple of years ago has always struggled with her weight. She was not fat at all! 145 pounds at her heaviest. She tried all the diets and didn't get the results. I always told her she needed to go to the gym. Well.. wouldn't you know.. her friend got her to go.... and go.... and go. She became obsessed and really started losing a lot of weight. I admit that she was looking fantastic and she felt good. But.. enough was enough. She is getting skinny. It was getting to be too much. Missing us time. Missing the kids and their events. I let her know about it because I was/am concerned. I tried to be subtle about it. Midway through my son's baseball season (10 or so games) she called me to tell me she was going to the gym. I said babe.. can't you come to our son's game? You've only been to 1 game and he's having his best season ever and you're missing it. Her first response was.. so I'm a terrible mother? I said no babe.. I just want you to be a part of this... She said "but you're there now and I've been to all his games in the past when you couldn't be there due to work."

Here I am back to putting limitations, demands and trying to controll her. But this was not the same. This was the new me looking out for my baby. I LOVE HER SO MUCH! She sees it as me going back to my old ways... or that I never changed.

Was it wrong of me to question her friendship? Is it wrong to feel the way I do about her friendship with this person?

I'm tired right now so I'm going to try and wrap it up...

I found out 3 days ago that she has had enough and wants to seperate legally. She packed her things the next day and went to her parents. I kept my cool during this and let her go. We are in agreement that we will do what's best for the kids.

During these last three days I have kept on telling her that I love her tremendously and this is not what I want. She said that she has to do it.. that it's best for her. I asked her if there was a chance we could work things out. I told her I was going to a therapist (I am). She said she doesn't feel that she loves me any more and doesn't want to give me "false hope".

I am so confused as to how I handle this. Do I keep telling her I love her and want her back whenever I see and talk to her? Beg and plead? Or pretend it doesn't bother me? I asked her if she was willing to go to therapy too and she doesn't think so. Do I keep asking? Should we go togther or seperately?

This just a brief collection to get my feelings out here. There are so many more details that I could write here. After all, we've been together 16+ years. Most of them very good.

Thanks for listening..............