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The First Time's Always the Worst

 
 
Reply Sat 5 Apr, 2003 11:18 pm
The First Time's Always the Worst
By Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon
----------------------------------------------------
Dayton Daily News Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.
1st place in Humor category
----------------------------------------------------

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire.

That's what happened to me.

The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded.

Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly.

These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.

"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,211 • Replies: 6
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littlek
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Apr, 2003 11:20 pm
hahahaha! I'm sorry, that's funny!
0 Replies
 
Sofia
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Apr, 2003 11:23 pm
I can't believe she didn't free the booby before running out of the room!
This is an outrage!
0 Replies
 
gezzy
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2003 03:37 am
There's a story she can tell her grandchildren.
0 Replies
 
Fatima10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2003 01:56 pm
BumbleBeeBoogie!
Bumblebeeboogie!

That , there contracption, surely should no longer be known for mammograms, at least for you.

Perhaps A-Bumble-Bee-Boogie- Boobie-Trap is a more accurate description.


OUCH!

fatima10
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2003 02:12 pm
BBB, Send that to Reader's Digest for $$$$$. Wink c.i.
0 Replies
 
BumbleBeeBoogie
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Apr, 2003 05:09 pm
I can't claim authorship
I can't claim authorship---BBB

The First Time's Always the Worst
By Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon
----------------------------------------------------
Dayton Daily News Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.
1st place in Humor category
0 Replies
 
 

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