how to tell kids of separation

I'm no help in this - I wasn't the one that left my marriage, though I can easily understand being the one and might almost do it cheerfully in retrospect, but sooner...

but there are a bunch of folks here who may want to speak to your question. It's late now, and people may not show up for a while.

I don't know how old your children are, but I think that, no matter what their ages, there are some general guidelines:

The children need to know that mommy and daddy are not able to live together. It is not necessary, and very destructive, to go into gory details of any problems that you had with your husband. Unless they are teenagers, it is best not to even get into the issues with them. The simpler the explanation, the better.

The separation and later divorce has nothing to do with them. Mommy and daddy will always love the children, even though they are not together.

Many children believe that somehow, they had something to do with the breakup of the marriage. They need to be reassured that the breakup was through no fault of theirs.

It is very important for you and your husband to be "on the same page", in terms of dealing with the children. It is very tempting (and very destructive) to use the children as bargaining chips in a divorce settlement. Please don't do it.

Supress the tendency to bad mouth your spouse to the kids. It only will confuse them, and put them into the conflicting position of having to take sides. Don't use the kids as pawns in any battles that you might have with your spouse.

In the best possible scenario, the parents will get together and work out issues of custody, parenting, etc. The mental and physical health of the children need to be the prime focus in these talks.

There are many books that deal with explaining divorce to children of various ages. A trip to the library or the bookstore might just be the thing that will help you to feel that you are on firmer ground in dealing with the situation.

The disadvantages of divorce will be very real and immediately clear to the kids.

Phoenix has made some excellent suggestions.

Point out that they will have two houses, two celebrations of holidays, two neighborhoods to explore.

Be prepared for a great deal of discontent and hostility from the kids. From their point of view their world is being destroyed, not altered. They deserve all the sympathy and understanding you can muster.

I want to separate from my husband but am affraid of so many things. I am affraid of being a single parent, of being poor, and of hurting them. My life is not painful with him only suppressive. My husband has been told of how I feel and has only tried to do the tasks I have wanted not do the personal work I need. Now he says "Oh I will admit that" but will not try to make life here more desireable and that is why I cannot stay. we have been married 17 years. Our kids are 10 & 15 and I am wondering how I will take care of them and myself on my salary. Not to mention the holidays, birthdays, and so on being miserable for them.

we have done counceling and have only tried to save the marriage. I know its over. I am not attracted to him any more and think there is no turning back. but I am affraid to leave.

Butterfly, i dont have any great advice (you've already got it from the others), just sending you some good wishes. .
Just one point - although I'm not familiar with US divorce laws.. You mentioned your salary wont suffice to look after your kids. Your husband would have to contribute substantially to their care, wouldnt he? (assuming that you get custody of your children)...
Good luck and take care.

separation from husband
thanks for all the advise. All of you are like friends to me. I appreciate the forum.

I will start the process tonight of separating within the house then I will move out after talking to a lawyer.