Laugh Out Loud

Face it, we all feel sleepy the moment we enter the office premises. But what if your boss caught you sleeping at your desk? Here is what you can tell him:
• "They told me at the blood bank, this might happen (say with a sigh)."
• "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
• " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Better Grades

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Biggest Lie

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn.

"Good Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win!!!"

Are you one of those people who are frequently harassed by telemarketing calls? Well, suffer in silence no more. Since suing them does not work as an effective threat, here's what all you can say to get them to stop calling you.

Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they live.

Midway through the conversation say, "Oh no Phil! You've done it again! I told you that knife was too sharp! Where are we going to get the money for another funeral?"

Begin snoring.

Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"

Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of their living room.

Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding noises?"

Pretend to be an answering machine.

Cool insults for use

• Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
• If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
• He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
• He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?