Death Diary - Endymion

Don't have what it takes to stick this on the Revolution thread
It's not a poem - it's a rap - inspired by ADF




Binned Revo Rap
Take it Back




Revolution of the mind
Internet leaves press behind
Look out there and you will find
Fascists on attack

Everyone has lost their mind
The clock is ticking double time
Another soldier trips a mine
Dollars in the bank

On the streets it's black and white
Another stupid tension fight
John Reid you're a racist, right?
Stirring up the sap

Tony Blair has dyed his hair
Blondie poodle looking fair
I don't think that he's all there
Stick 'im in a tank

Drop im in the Baghdad streets
Stand him on his own two feet
I don't think he'd take the heat
I bet he'd take a crap

Men are dying every day
Some on bare minimum pay
While the henrys shout hip hip hooray
And slap him on the back

I can't take it anymore
I don't want your fuc king war
Who the hell we dying for?
Time to take it back



Endymion 2006

Never Ending Night


This is nothing like it was meant to be
Bending his mind to the gripping talons
Of the horror makers

Nails buried deep into roots
The room a cell; the moon a face
Pressed starkly powder white
Raising his vermilion eyes

Confused by the bloody smear
On the naked wall
And the sick smell of fear
From the shadows on the floor

It's never over
Never
Twisted fists threaten
But fall slowly away
And the night is silent
The moon only a distant pearl


Endymion 2006

Rage - (one for the machine)


Turn the blade in my hand
It's not for show
This private ritual
Focused
Outside the world
A circus trick
A balancing act
Just something I can do

Memory spins behind
The thin
The deadly knife
A scar on my thumb from long ago
An unstitched wound

"Fu ck you, - I won't do what you tell me"
Screams the machine
Desperate words
I watch my hand
Casting shadows on the wall

Flicker
Pause

Flicker
Pause

Sharp steel
Slicing the air
'Yeahhhh, what about that, sucker?"
The machine asks me

I imagine how it would feel
To cut the pain from my body
And at that moment
The knife spins quickly away
To hit the wall
My hand left empty

Take it back Joe
Take it back a
Take it back a
Take it back Joe

Come on




Endymion 2006

The Assassination of Anna Politkovskaya




Anna Politkovskaya they have killed you
Stolen your words of comfort
From the lives of those in need
And many shall die without you
Chechnya must grieve
Again and again
They shoot and kill
All over the world
Journalists who fight for justice
Against a fascist hell
But my god!
Anna Politkovskaya they have killed you
A loss to all mankind
They could not kill your love
They could not kill your bravery
They could not kill your mind

And so they took you from us
For your wisdom and for all time



Endymion 2006

http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/FB4A832C-35B7-42F5-A0D8-E931D54D33A8.htm

Bewildered


The bodies are strewn
Charcoal smouldering
As I sense the ground
Beneath my fingers
Slowly fall away
As I stand to see
With perfect clarity
This stark brutality
Of war

The small upright child
Eyes numb with terror
Standing bewildered
Bright blood in her hair
An old man crumpled
Broken at her feet
Dust falling from the sky
And turning them both
To ash

Someone is shouting
A woman's mad grief
I feel her fear and
Understand her rage
Even when her hands
Fly sharp towards me
And I look into her
Mother eyes



Endymion 2006

The Night Killers


He screamed
"Not in this crazy fuc king world"
And stared at the palms of his spread hands
Dragged his fingers slowly down
Over his eyes and nose
To press against his mouth
And thought
'I don't want to be here'
Falling back
Frowning at the cold wall
Waiting
For sleep to came
But his pain spoke to him
Turned him twisting
On the edge of submission
A hard path to exhaustion
Until drifting
Towards the night's great void
While the startled dead faces
With their corrupted flesh
And bloodless appetites
Moved in
To the tormenting ground



Endymion 2006

my god how much of my fuc king self have i put on this thread?
And why else would i do it, except to ask for ridicule?

I tell myself the poetry isn't the really important thing - that this diary is to help me get rid of **** and for somewhere I can be honest about how I feel - Oh Yeah? - So how come I'm still holding back? And I am.
I've got about twenty un-posted poems I don't think anyone is ever going to see. But even they don't come close to touching the pain.

I don't know what to do. fuk I really don't Its not working - the pain doesn't go away anymore. I feel like ive got a huge mass of words stuck in me and I want to get them all out, but they're all stuck together in a solid lump.

(I know that some people will read that **** and sneer. Let them. Fu ck 'em. I'm trying to save myself here and I ain't kidding about that)

If only I could REALLY write what I feel - be able to express myself truly - just once even - but maybe words aren't enough. Or I'm not a good enough writer. Or I just don't know what it is that I really need to say.


Today I looked back on this - my very first poem on a2k. Some things have changed and some things have stayed the same. But one thing's for sure - I was on a quest when I posted this:



(Before I dropped the full-stop) Maybe i should rewrite it.
It certainly belongs here - because it symbolises what i'm trying to do on the death diary. And the strange loneliness of that. The desperation.
Its five thirty in the morning and I've been awake all night with this - and I still don't have any answers
I don't know why i'm writing this, anymore than you really know why you're reading it.
It just is as it is.



Endy

Keep writing, Endy.
We're still reading.
(You're much too hard on yourself, you know.)

Hello Olga -
Sorry. Bad days.

Still, it cheered me to come back here and find your message.
It's apprechiated.

I've been doing some crazy 'art therapy' as a break from the poetry
-portrait stuff in photoshop. Maybe I'll show it to you sometime.
(Show how really crazy I am)

Yesterday I didn't write a word.
And then I woke up this morning I read that the Iraqi civilian death toll has been declared exceeding 665,000 (twenty times as much as Bush mentioned recently) - the findings were published online today by the British medical journal the Lancet.

I also took a good long look at this picture :





And I wrote this:


Iraqi Boy

Contemplating violent death is never easy
Although your shadow may stand tall
Inside your trembling heart
Fear pins you down
Death revealed on pavements
And in the eyes of adults around you
Six hundred thousand lives taken
And what remains - but this small token
A symbolic shape
A symptom of war madness
Contemplate in sadness




Endymion 2006


This I also wrote today:




Remember England



Remember England
The lark's rising majestic
A solo mission
Flanked by circling swallows
Through golden shimmer
Of summer's eve
Before the wars
Before the corrupted vision
Mechanical and ruthless
Remember England
A glorious wealth
Of nature's ancient stillness
Ignored in favour
Of crazed ambition
Hacked into division
While the lark
Having fulfilled its instinct
Becomes extinct





Endymion 2006


Thanks again for reading
Peace
Endy

...
wow...these are all so totally great...seems like u really feel it!

yeah, lostnsearching - most of the time i do.

Sometimes i think i must be a freak - the way i sense other people's pain.
But believe it or not - i wasn't always like this.
Empathy is a hard lesson

keep on writing
peace,
Endy

Blood and Brutality

There is blood on all our hands
The young blood of boy soldiers
And of innocent peoples
Shattered by our violent care
Iraq, a sovereign nation
Spattered to its deepest foundations
Smeared by the brutal lie
That has bled its tearful eyes dry
Massacre most foul
The tender love of life destroyed
For too many
Fists full of dollars





Endymion 2006

Well, this Death diary has now had over 3,000 viewings.
Not a lot some might say - Not when one book can sell a million times - but still, tonight I'm celebrating my stubborn streak - still here after a year of writing this stuff!

I remember a little while ago saying to someone, "What more can I do? I sign petitions, I march for peace, I try to be informative in my poetry - but it's not enough!"
The reply I got back was, "Well, what d'you want to do?"

I suppose I want to share my experiences and let people know that the trauma we (people around the world) inflict on others will be with them forever - for all their lives (however short).
We must not kid ourselves about this.

Every scar we leave on a child's mind, every traumatised soldier we bring home, every grief-stricken mother, every tortured man - will have had their faith in humanity destroyed to some extent and will carry their pain around with them, like an unexploded bomb, forever and for always - as long as they live.
The shame of this haunts me.



Celebration



Celebration
Forget death
For this long moment
Hold your sorrowed breath
And close your weary eyes
To the fearful tears
Of the bloodied victims
Hide your heart in empty arms
See nothing of the wounded
Crawling far behind
On crippled stumps
Another broken mind
Another glitch in time
Celebration
Forget death
Peace will prevail
(But don't hold your breath)



Endymion 2006


*********************


Just Before



Just before the real **** went down
I looked at his grimy face
He was grinning at me
Wide-eyed and seriously scared
But still
Playing the fuc king idiot

From the dusty window
We could see the mountains
Freshly purple and silver
Blurred by distance
And the heat shimmer
On the breathless plain

A kid was walking
Across our narrow view
Strolling from left to right
Unaware of alien eyes
Swinging a stick from side to side
Like a shepherd without a flock

No one spoke or moved
But only crouched still
And silent in the gloom
When I looked at him again
He was praying
To a god that couldn't save him




Endymion 2006


********************************



Dehydration



The needle slipped easily
Into his vein
Soft burning skin
Worn thin with age
Yellow orbs following
My hands and eyes
Cracked lips murmuring
In tired surprise to find
His long journey ended
As the saline began to drip
And my fingers pressed
On his life beat
All grew still around us
'Til I felt his hand pat mine
Reassuring me
He would be alright
And like a meteor
He died in the night




Endymion 2006

...
are you planning to publish this stuff... your work is really good!

Hi lostnsearching,

i'll talk more about publishing some other time - for now its just rewarding to know people are understanding this ****.

thanks for posting (and reading)!

Peace,
Endy

Thanks to Aidan, who put me onto 'photobucket', I can now post some of my own images.
I'm fairly excited about this. Don't laugh. (well, actually laugh if you want - it's good for you)...

Anyway, I took some film of a sunset from a train window, somewhere near Glastonbury, England and a few days ago started working on some poetry to accompany the images here. I'm no photographer - but I am someone who tries to capture atmosphere in my writing, and that is what these pictures are about really - .

My gut feeling is that no matter how bad the photography might be - a picture of a setting sun would easily outstrip a poem (one of mine at least) - because there is simply nothing like the real thing.

The window glass on a train is fairly thick (and grimy) - so the pictures are not crisp - but somehow, for me, that adds to the atmosphere.
Anyway - see what you think - (thanks for taking a look)

Endy




********************************************************


DEATH OF DAY



The land holds still
Silhouetted by abating sun
Dark transformation
As tides turn
And distant worlds
Awake caressed
In radiant beauty
Giver of all life
So much to live for
In its melancholy light
As it slips beyond
The curve of my world
Its trailing memory
A dream
Of coming night






Could this be heaven on Earth?
Here in this sleepy English field
These dark mysterious trees
Patient
Under a curving gold cloud sky
Could this be heaven?
Dwindling dusk
Lit by candlelight
A distant sun
Solitary love
In its glory-eye
This peace, this sense of universe
Could this be heaven on Earth?




Endymion 2006

Endy - those are beautiful- poems and pictures both. I know it's the sky you grew up with, so you may take it for granted, but since I didn't grow up looking at this sky, I just find it so beautiful and amazing. You really capture the essence of what I love about this particular sky in your photographs. It's so dense and layered- almost never just flat and blue - I think it's the cloud formations that make it so interesting. So beautiful.

(Not to hijack your thread, but let me know what you think of Glastonbury sometime. It's one of my favorite places- what do you think about it).

...
...keep writing...still reading with interest....

Hi Endy.

I saw your photographs the other day & really liked them, too! Very moody & dramatic! However I couldn't recall which thread you'd sent them to, to comment. Thanks Aidan, for reminding me just now.

Thanks Aidan, Lostnsearching and Olga for posting
I guess I'm not too well right now and may not be able to
write again for a little while.
Sorry not to let you know sooner - Aidan let's talk about Glastonbury at some later date and if anyone wants to post something here and keep the old death diary alive - feel free
I'll be back asap.
Take care all of you,


Peace,
Endy