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Tue 4 Oct, 2005 08:50 am
Maybe someone can help me. I've been married for almost 15 yrs (in Dec.). My husband recently left the house after in a fit of anger I told him to leave. Mind you I was justifiably angry and he was not giving me any emotion back. He was at work at the time so this fight was over the phone and completely stupid on my part. I know this and I've told him. He stayed away for about a month and has recently come back. He said he wants to work it out for the kids. I've loved this guy since I first laid eyes on him and thought he felt the same way. I say felt, because I don't think I could ever do what he did by leaving. I can honestly say that we married at a very young 20 and immediately had kids. They are now teenagers and into their own world. But throughout our 15 yrs, I never regretted anything we did. Everyone thought we had a great marriage, we've always been close/best-friends. He has told me since he's been back, that he thinks I'm too controlling and don't allow him time with friends/co-workers. He is right I have been selfish, but what do I do now? I believe he is going through some mid-life crisis at an early age (mid thirties), because we did marry so young. You see now he feels he's got control over me, because I want to try anything for things to return to normal, but I don't want to be a pushover. I'm just not sure how to handle this.
I am not sure what your problem is. He's back. He wants to work things out. What are you asking? How to work things out? No one can tell you that. If you want a mediator, which in your case sounds like a good idea, then get a marriage counselor. Ff you don't want to change, this marriage won't work. If he doesn't want to change, this marriage won't work. You both need to make some adjustments in behavior it sounds like. You in letting him enjoy some free time. Him in remembering your need for him at home as a husband.
Good advice, Bella.
Definitely, grlhood, get yourself to counseling. If your husband won't go, then go alone.
Yes, 20 is early to get married, but it's been almost the same amount of time you've been married as you've been alive. Surely it hasn't all been peaches and cream? Marriages have cycles, you know, sometimes you are getting along great, sometimes not so great. People who want to stay together will try to work it out, assuming other problems (e. g. abuse or adultery, that sort of thing) are not present.
And time apart, so long as no hanky-panky is going on, is healthy for any relationship. Everyone needs alone time or friend time. Surely he doesn't want to go with you to a baby shower, and you don't want to go fishing with him and his buddies, yes? Both you and he can cultivate some inner resources (e. g. read more, go to class, volunteer, exercise, etc. just find ways to occupy and nurture yourselves without each other and without just fulfilling commitments like doing the wash or chauffeuring the kids around) and also cultivate personal friends -- and see them.
These are good things to do no matter what state your marriage is in.
Thanks, for your advice. You are right I need to find a place of my own and stop harping on his time. It's just difficult to change after such a long time of doing something a specific way. Anyways, thanks for the advice, it did put me in check.
I think a councilor is a great idea.
The need to control and be the sole center of attention needs to be addressed. If he feels you are controlling him then there is a problem. And who knows with whom it is? Maybe he is feeling some insecurities about his life at this point. Maybe you are controlling a bit? Maybe there are unresolved issues between you two that the other isnt aware of?
There are a bunch of maybes that could apply to this situation that is best explored with a moderator of some kind.
There needs to be a safe place to explore these feelings and to be able to openly express anger, fear, resentments, love, etc.. And sometimes the home isnt a great place to do that. In 15 years of life together there will be many things that have built up over time besides the great love.
I hope things work out well for you
Thank you all..Shewolf,
You are right, I have a problem with wanting to be his sole center of attention. My fault because I've always required it and he has given it. I just don't like the way he's acting, it's like he is witholding his feeling for me, ie., in bed he doesn't cuddle up to me anymore. Even while he's asleep, he'll turn to me to put his leg over mine and then he stops himself. He did this a couple of times last night. I asked him why are you withdrawing from me? He said he didn't know what I was talking about. I just want everything to go back to normal...it seems so hard right now. We're planning on going to Bush Gardens in two weeks maybe we can get some alone time ( or "used to be" times). We've always enjoyed going to amusement parks and riding rollercoasters. We're still best friends, we enjoy each other's company, but something is not the same..it makes me sad and I long for the easy times we had before...
If he came back, he's committed. If my wife and I separated, I wouldn't go back no matter what.
Well he definitely wants a divorce. He told me so this weekend. Mind you we went "as a family" to Busch Gardens this weekend and acted as one, then as soon as we were home he did his usual 360 degree turn and wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't want to try counseling. This I find very weird..I mean why would you have a 15 year relationship and then just throw it away without even trying counseling. This really perturbs me and makes me wonder if maybe he's got something going on outside of our marriage. Doesn't it sound like it? Any help?
viv411 wrote:Well he definitely wants a divorce. He told me so this weekend. Mind you we went "as a family" to Busch Gardens this weekend and acted as one, then as soon as we were home he did his usual 360 degree turn and wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't want to try counseling. This I find very weird..I mean why would you have a 15 year relationship and then just throw it away without even trying counseling. This really perturbs me and makes me wonder if maybe he's got something going on outside of our marriage. Doesn't it sound like it? Any help?
If he refuses councilling, and the two of you can't seem to come to any conclusion but divorce, your options are somewhat limited. Counciling is the best possible recovery tool available. It helps, a lot. If he is absolutely against it then you need to consider what's best for you.
I would suggest that even if he doesn't go, you should at least see a councilor yourself and get further advice.
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