RACISM

The prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

will be hard for me accept, since I dont trust God. I have tried to find out about Christianity in the past year and have found myself drifting from the ideology behind the religion. All this stuff about God and the afterlife is good but how can trust this God? I dont even trust the people I can see with my own eyes, I cant imagine trusting a God based on imagination.

Jamesw84: You've made interesting comments. For what reason do you not trust people in whose presence you are ? Is it their age? Race? Nationality? For example: if you were sitting in a room in which other Chinese men,like you in every way,were sitting and talking,would you trust them
because they are basically similar in background to you?
To function well in this world,you must be around people on a regular basis. You must learn to trust,and allow people into your life and get the help you cry out for.

P.S.: About the Serenity Prayer. If you don't believe in God,then change the wording slightly to something like: "I will have the serenity and peace of mind to accept the things I can't change,the courage to change the things that can and need to be changed,and the wisdom and courage and skill to know the difference"

Its not race, race wont matter anymore, even if they were all like me I wouldnt trust them. Ive built up this defence mechanism against people from bad experiences with people in the past, its the way for human beings to react when they are constantly hurt by others. Maybe its that I dont want to be hurt and betrayed again that makes me feel so hard to trust new people and let them into my life.

Your insight about your feelings and defense mechanisms is the first step of progress.

So you do see progress in me ?

Racism.....
Jamesw84: Knowing what youfeel,and why you feel it is a step of progress . The first step of many to come in the future.

Hostility and Anger boil inside me 24/7, every day..

Tranquility is indeed a rare moment in life.

James,
If it makes you feel better, everyone , and I do mean everyone, has doubts , fears, moments of rage and all the emotions human feel. Anyone who would prtend otherwise is liar. Welcome to the human race.

Heres my advice. Absolutely, and I couldn't enphasise this more strongly, you must complete your studies in University. Then take some time off, travel, perhaps to Thailand as some people have suggested, mabee take an English teaching job in Shang Hai, whatever, it will help to clear your head.

In the meantime, do talk about how you feel, and if there is no one close to you that you really feel comfortable discussing your personal feelings , a therapist can really help. As Linda as said, think of the therapist as a tool, you need to do a little research to find the right one for you.

I feel really really bored most of the time, Im talking about major boredom, so bored that I feel numb, and this stops me from concentrating on the tasks at hand. Is this a sign of depression? When I get bored, I start to ruminate on the things that have happened in the past and about the insults people have hurled at me, this viscious cycle is scary. The boredom scares me in my life. Whats the remedy to boredom?

Going to a third world country should open my eyes to how bad the rest of the world is and teach me how lucky I am to be in my predicament, Im afraid of coming back to Australia and then forgetting all about this eventually as I readjust to the things I have in this country. What might happen then? Do you suggest that I stay in these third world countries for a long long time? In fact, it may be a good idea for me to move to a different city once and for all to forget about the past that follows me around like a shadow. I think when I see my surroundings, the places I have been before when I was really unhappy, including my own home, trigger unhappy memories on a perpetual basis, so whenever I wake up Im already dooming myself because I live in the same house and it takes no time at all before bad memories and negative thoughts come in. I have read somewhere that human beings have their memories triggered by external surroundings. There was this once when I left the city for a rural shopping area and I felt so relaxed that day, like as if all the bad things were gone. I am wondering if that was just because I left the place that brings back bad memories.

It wouldn't hurt to have a talk to your GP James and ask about depression. The GP has a battery of diagnostic tests to give a patient who inquires about depression. That's the best way to check if you suspect that you might be suffering from it.

Jamesw84: Goodfielder is right. Please see a physician about your state of mind. Yes,your boredom may very well be a sign of depression,at the extent you say you experience it. Another clue is your saying that when you are bored,you think obsessively about the slights and hurts in your life. That leads to more depression,etc. At this point in your life,you shouldn't try to establish a new residence in another city or country. When/if you get these problems solved,that may be an option to discuss with a counselor. However,changing homes is stressful enough in the best of times,but if you are already stressed out and depressed,you will only be worse off than you are now,and merely be moving your problems to another location. When you are in a better frame of mind, you may not even feel the need to change locations.Everything will look better,once you conquer you inner pain.

What is a way to stop myself thinkin obsessively about the past? I only distract myself with things to do but it ultimately doesnt help.

Everytime I leave the house to go outside, I feel scared, paranoid that I will bump into the people who have hurt me in the past. In my head, these people are always around me, lurking about everywhere. This is especially true when Im in the City, or in places where I konw is a place where some of these people socialise. I feel scared that they will see me and that I will see them.

When I go to a place far away I wouldnt feel this way at all, like I said before when I leave this city I felt a sudden feeling of relief, that a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. This is why I think changing places would be a good idea.

Jamesw84: Travelling is fine,and can be enjoyable,but what will happen at the first real,or imagined insult,or harsh word from someone in the place you've traveled to? You'll be feeling the same
old feelings of paranoia,fear,anger,lack of trust,etc.
If I were in your position,I'd get started on some counseling first,then when I'd been in therapy a while,discuss with the therapist the idea of taking a 2 week vacation for fun,and to see how or if I were
able to put into practice what I'd learned in therapy so far.

I can see your point here.
Cheers

This thread looks like its dying

Racism.........
Jamesw84: I don't know that the thread is dying,but I feel like those of us who have posted,have done all we can do,and said all we can say,to advise you about the problems you told us about. We have advised you to begin counseling
as a way of getting help for the problems you have,
and until you decide to,I don't know if anyone else can offer any other suggestions. All of us A2Kers can post for ever more,and talking is good,but it's your turn now,and it's up to you to begin to take action to give yourself a better life. If you do ever decide to get counseling,please keep us posted on how it's going,but I don't know that I have anything more to add to this thread 'til then.

But it has left a very positive legacy.