What do I do now? concerning weird behavior/friend

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Ok, I would suspect this is a fairly common dilemma and others may have some insight in regards to this. I am having trouble lately trying to come up with the appropriate way to deal with this.

I have a friend who I have known for around 6 years. We used to be roomates, and we have been close for many years. Let's call him John (not his real name).
In the last few months, John has come across some hard times. He is my age, 26. He owned his own record label and toured w/ a band for a living.
I did't know the details , still don't really. Around three months ago he was suddenly home. His tour had been cancelled, he lost his singer, and he had to move back in with his father.
He put on his usual joking manner; but I knew something was up. He would call me at weird hours asking to talk/ go out for meals. He started getting sick a lot.
Through this time, he has been living close enough to me that it is easy to see him. Yet; he avoids all topics about his work like the plague. His phone was disconnected last month, and so I have only heard from him via email or if I go see him. I have been trying to just let my presence be known ; if he wants support or whatever.
He has come to my place a few times; chats, and then at the end of the convo asks me for money. Now, I don't mind lending some cash to a friend. I haven't lent him a lot of money, but there have been a few times I have said 'no' simply bc he has been asking a lot.
He has also been hitting on me lately: something he has never done. I've had to ask him to leave once. Overall, he is acting weird.
OK: so the other night I sent him an email bc he has not shown up Twice to places he said he would be. These are simply get togethers with friends; but we were waiting for him. I told him "I know things are hard for you right now; and I am your friend. But talk to me and let me know what's going on. I will not allow you to hurt me nor use me. Think about it please
This morning I got an email saying "I am in financial ruin for the rest of my life. I am 20 000 dollars in debt, my vans were repoed, and my dad has given up on me. Sorry I have been so shitty this last week. "

WTF?! He had been telling me things were under control. He had told me that his losses were temporary and he didn't need help.
Things aren't right. And he is acting very dismissive and avoidant.
I used to feel like I could count on him: right now I don't believe I can.
I would like to help him; but I don't know what the deal is/what to do.

Does anyone have any ideas?
Sorry this post was so long. I wanted to be thorough as possible.

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The email you got this morning sounds sincere to me. It would make sense that he's felt like a failure and is ashamed of himself, and didn't want to burden you with any of that. It sounds like he's just all around in a bad place, with a lot of manifestations, doing things he doesn't normally do.

Could be some sort of addiction thing there too, but not necessarily.

Good for you with the email you sent to him about "I will not allow you to hurt me or use me." Sounds like your bluntness worked.

As for what now -- I dunno. Those are some serious problems, and it's not for you to take them on. Maybe get him some resources? $20,000 in debt sucks but it's not the end of the world. Especially if he's so young. I don't know much about the options, but seems like he could get some kind of payment plan going (I owed way more than $20,000 on student loans), or declare bankruptcy and then have a clean slate by the time he's 33 -- not so bad.

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Flushd--

Your friend is in a muddle--probably because of a number of really stupid decisions. Your e mail inspired him to tell the truth. Major step.

Has he ever returned any of the small loans you've made him?

Sozobe may be right on in suggesting addiction. Maybe drugs, maybe gambling.

Your role in his muddle is to support him--not solve his problems. Does he have a place to live? Can you offer him a bed while he starts to sort out his problems.

Be prepared for a lot of listening--but you can do that. The most important thing you can do is just to be there--not judging, but not being hurt or used.

Hold your dominion.

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Ok. Thank you.

No, he has not repaid any of the small loans. That's ok: but I have stopped loaning him any more for now.
I have brought it up: and he says "I'll get it to you soon. I'm meeting --- blahblahblah." He never has the money. At first, I thought he may be avoiding me bc he knows he can't pay me back. Yet I have now told him: don't worry. Just figure out a plan, and then you can pay me back.
Making up a bunch of excuses is a new behavior for him; at least in relation to me.

I thought it might be drugs: he started smoking pot recently. But I don't think it's drugs/gambling that has got him in this mess. I think it was a series of poor financial decisions/risks. He poured everything into his music career: seems like his plan bombed/backfired.
I think the recent arrival of pot in his life is trying to cope with all this worr y etc.

I have not offered up a bed bc; to be honest, I am afraid he will get too comfortable here and it would be a strain on our friendship.
I'm afraid he'll 'squat' here. (he was a squatter in the past).
Instead; I offered him to come over any time he wants and I will cook for him or help with things he may need.
I don't really trust him with just handing over money right now. I think it's a better bet to just give him the actual possessions/food he may need.

Thank you for helping me put some perspective on this.
I suppose I will try to be a good set of ears, and allow him to work on this himself. That would be the right thing to do. I'll offer up some options and things to think about.....other than that....

Ok; this may sound so silly; but I worry about him. He doesn't really have any place left to turn at this point. It's hard to watch.
For myself: how do I put my mind at rest ?
(jeez, what a wuss I sound like)

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Sounds like you're doing everything pretty much right <nods>. Good on you.

I'm sure things will take a turn for the better for him some time again, and when it does, he's going to be thankful that you stuck with him through that time, but that you also didnt allow him to get into trouble with you as well.

I'd say, be forgiving about the odd missed appointment (but use the occasion to show you're worried and you care); while keeping a straight line on lending money, letting him hit on you, or getting involved over your head (offering a place to live and the like).

Well, pretty much what you're doing already <smiles>

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Flushd--

You are very wise to make rules about just how far in the tent your favorite camel is permitted to insert his nose, his face, his neck....

An artistic ego facing failure is just one massive, throbbing bruise. The excuses...the pot...the fight with his father. Your friend isn't coping yet. Perhaps he's still in shock. Perhaps being passive is his way of coping.

If he was a squatter in the past, he's coped this way before. You're right about not giving him money. Give him a meal, give him a clean t-shirt, give him listening ear, but he's already $20,000-plus in debt.

Worry--sure. Women are made to worry. Women were created to worry.
You're not a wuss. You have a friend in major trouble who isn't taking any positive steps to get out of trouble and you foresee there are some cursed "interesting" times ahead.

That's not being a wuss. That's being realistic.

Hold your dominion.

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Thank you nimh, Noddy. Smile

He called here tonight. Asked to come over. I said sure. I am home tonight w/ the flu. Blah! He stayed for maybe an hour and a half. Other friends of mine are out - I am really so sick that I cant even lie down and breathe at the same time. The guy I am seeing is not in town: so I am home alone and sick and thinking
Rolling Eyes

He didn't really talk much. Just seemed to need a hug. He started crying and quickly 'manned-up and apologized'. I have never seen him cry before. He made me tea and played some 'soothing guitar' for me, which was sweet. (I am a big fan of the classical guitar).

He really is in deep; I can tell. I got a sense that the following months/however long are not going to be pretty. It is obvious he does not want to deal with things. It makes me very sad; and I will stand by what I have decided to do.

So many things have been going on lately. Maybe I am simply in a sentimental, reflective mood tonight (what else to do when you're ill?).
Somebody may recall that I have that surgery I have been waiting for next month: and all the emotional/mental garbage I had attached to being able to feel strong enough to go through with it. Also, many months ago now, I left my bf of many years. That felt like a huge emotional growth.
I have been looking into going to college: at 26 now. After years of working and bouts of depression/sickness: I had pretty much convinced myself I was never going to get to school. That I couldn't do it/wasn't worth it/ not smart enough/couldn't handle making that much money.

Here's the thing I guess: tonight I felt like I was looking upon myself. I have used those coping mechanisms (which are poor). I have put myself through that same shame and avoidance. I have identified with him on so many issues and for so long. We have a bond and a friendship.
That isn't me anymore. Dare I say I am growing?
When he was here tonight; I felt a lot of love for him, but also a lot of sadness. I know he is drifting from my life.
Crying or Very sad

It really got me wondering about: what now? Why don't I have everything I have dreamt of having for myself? Why not me?! I Can Do It.
Confidence. wow. This is new.
I can have the education. The home that is my own. The partner and friendships that are important to me: and real and deep.

I am feeling contemplative Embarrassed

This is just a big step for me.
I never could have dealt with things like this before.

Thank-you to everyone who contributed.
I'm gonna stop now before my post becomes total rambling.

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You CAN do it!

And I'm so the one to tell ya! ;-)

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You sure can!

I think everyone reaches certain points in their lives where, if they take the time to reflect, they can see a future that starts as a dream. The reflection lets you see a path that will turn the dream into a reality. It's seldom easy, but it makes the reality all the more rewarding when it happens.

Good on you, flushd, for daring to dream and for not trying to take on your friend's problems as your own. You know you can't bail him out of this one. It's not your mess to fix. Sorry you're not feeling well, get well soon.

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Flushd--

Quote:

Here's the thing I guess: tonight I felt like I was looking upon myself. I have used those coping mechanisms (which are poor). I have put myself through that same shame and avoidance. I have identified with him on so many issues and for so long. We have a bond and a friendship.
That isn't me anymore. Dare I say I am growing?
When he was here tonight; I felt a lot of love for him, but also a lot of sadness. I know he is drifting from my life.

So you're blooming in May rather than March--the important fact is that your petals are opening.

With your friend beware of Survivor Guilt. You both started from the same place, but you moved on. He hasn't yet. His immobility is not your fault or your responsibility.

He needs your friendship. This is good unless he becomes a roadblock to your forward momentum--then Katy-bar-the-door.

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Wow. Thanks for listening and replying without judging. It means a lot.
The encouragement didn't hurt none either :wink:

Survivor's guilt: yup, I'll be watching. Those pangs and that *damned* desire to help everyone and everything at any cost! But: logic and self-preservation will win out this time!

Soz; I get this feeling you have a really great story to tell...but I'll leave you to disclose that information as you see fit Razz

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Flushd--

You can get a reputation for wisdom by keeping your mouth shut.

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Oh, this is all I meant, flushd:

http://www.feministcampus.org/images/egreeting/rosie_the_riveter.jpg

(Just substitute a "You" for the "We", et voila...)

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Hey. I just wanted to thank Soz, Noddy, and nim. You helped me to do the right thing, even though it has felt very difficult. It means a lot.

He is still in the city. He is so sensitive right now: it's as though he perceives almost anything as rejection. Bruised artistic ego, is right! It's tough. I've been there though. I have kept my ground. I feel very proud of myself and how I have conducted myself through this time. There have been a few nights where I have cried for him (missing his company, his strength, and knowing he is suffering). There have been times where he has called or shown up on my doorstep and I've wanted to yell scream and tell him what to do. I haven't though. I have kept my mouth shut; and tried my best to be a pillar for him through this. I don't think my effort has been wasted.
I can see now that no matter how he chooses to deal with this situation, or to not deal with the situation; it was essential for me to do this. I still have hope for him, and I still love him. I just wish I would have known before that real friendships could be so hard sometimes! Incredible faith that the person is strong enough, will do the right thing, can handle anything that life presents; and turn out on top. I feel this way about him. I hope that it is coming across; and that I can keeping myself out of the way sufficiently.

I have new respect for those who make long term friendships and relationships work. It is hard work; and a powerful test of character and personal limitations.

Thank you so much for the support, good wishes, and help.

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Good going, flushd!

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Flushd--

Quote:

I can see now that no matter how he chooses to deal with this situation, or to not deal with the situation; it was essential for me to do this. I still have hope for him, and I still love him. I just wish I would have known before that real friendships could be so hard sometimes!

Being a Sympathetic Spectator is much harder than being a Know-it-All Puppet Master. No one said friendship was easy.

Hold your dominion.

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Great job, flushd! Looks like you are managing a difficult balance; not writing him off entirely, not getting in too deep.

Best of luck to you and to him.

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What do I do now? concerning weird behavior/friend

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