DESPERATE 4 HELP! PLEASE!

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My wife and I were getting ready to seperate 3 weeks ago. We decided to split our belongings up and talked about making it as peaceful as possible. We have a young daughter and I can tell you that the idea of doing this is killing me.

The day before I was to look at a new home, my wife tells me she's pregnant. I understood her to be on birth control but she had stopped taking it without my knowledge. It has been confirmed that she is indeed pregnant and the child is mine.

Our marital problems still remain but now we are seeing a counselor. She does things daily that reconfirm to me that seperating was the best decision. We simply can not live together and have a healthy relationship. My level of trust for her is now "0"....and we're bringing a baby into a marriage that has been damaged for years.

She insists that the pregnancy was an accident but I know that she didn't accidently stop taking birth control. I can't live with her any longer it's killing me even though I've agreed to see a counselor and deal with this one day at a time.

I want our finances seperate, I don't want to even sleep in the same room with her anylonger and she has this illusion that I should be happy with this new child and continue as if things were normal.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I need help...advice...we see a counselor twice a month but if we could afford it should see one every week. I don't think it's going to help.

Help...

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I guess in some cases its so hard for a man to try and do the right thing,
if there is no love there any more and you are just down right miserable, its not going to make things any more cheerier by staying, I think in your case it will make it worse...you will end up losing the plot, only you know what to do.

....from what I am reading does she not want you to leave her?
I think in some cases one just needs to think of their own sanity first
to be healthy for others...in your case your children.

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KiwiChic wrote:

I guess in some cases its so hard for a man to try and do the right thing,
if there is no love there any more and you are just down right miserable, its not going to make things any more cheerier by staying, I think in your case it will make it worse...you will end up losing the plot, only you know what to do.

....from what I am reading does she not want you to leave her?
I think in some cases one just needs to think of their own sanity first
to be healthy for others...in your case your children.

I think she wants me to stay but I honestly think she's lost her freaking marbles. I mean I can't tell from one minute to the next what's going through her head. It's making me sick trying to communicate with her like an adult...because it's almost like a one way conversation. We don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING...and I mean ANYTHING... I could say the sky is blue and she'd say, " Why does it always have to be your way." It's like that with every conversation. I just can't deal with it. I don't know what to do.

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yeah not too flash, when its like that huh?
Do you realy think that there is no chance to try and save this marriage?
if you answer 'No'..then you basicaly have your answer.

However, you need to take a step back, take a deep breath and go through each question you have asked yourself one by one.....I know its very draining and doing your head in at the moment, but thats what you need to do, just to double check you have come to the right conclusion.

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sorry the net is playing up and I seem to be posting up double posts!

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What is the purpose of seeing a counselor? Are the sessions to save the marriage or to ease the pain of divorce for both of you and for your daughter? Do you and your wife agree on the purpose of counseling?

Are you physically separated? Have all of your possessions been removed from the former family home? How much time do you spend together? Do you see your daughter on a regular basis?

You speak of making separate financial arrangements? Has this been done?

Your post indicates your mental muddle. You are neither married nor separated and this state of affairs is confusing for everyone.

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Noddy24 wrote:

What is the purpose of seeing a counselor? Are the sessions to save the marriage or to ease the pain of divorce for both of you and for your daughter? Do you and your wife agree on the purpose of counseling?

Are you physically separated? Have all of your possessions been removed from the former family home? How much time do you spend together? Do you see your daughter on a regular basis?

You speak of making separate financial arrangements? Has this been done?

Your post indicates your mental muddle. You are neither married nor separated and this state of affairs is confusing for everyone.

I'm married. We are still living in the same home. We were going through the process of seperating physically, living apart, and after agreeing on seperating our belongings and having a talk about selling the house. She tells me that she's pregnant.

We are seeing a counselor who has seen several identical situations (seperating when the news of a preganancy changes the decision to seperate)

The idea was to see this counselor hoping to save the marriage. I know we both want what's best for our child and soon to be newborn, well in 8 months. We're hoping that staying together is best. I don't know.

I'm thinking that living in the same house with a woman that I have very little trust in, is taking it's toll on me. I'm experiencing some extreme anxiety...I'm normally a very calm, rational person. I don't think I've ever had a persistent feeling of dread and anxiety from morning to night like I do now. I'm confused...I have a million questions....and nowhere to go for answers...except twice a month to a very expensive marriage therapist.

Should I seperate our finances?
Should I talk to a lawyer now?
Should I start looking for a place to live now or wait until we have our house on the market assuming that counseling doesn't work?
I want to be positive and work at it and hope and pray that counseling works but I have this doubt in the back of my mind and it won't leave.
I have a constant feeling that we're not going to be able to work things out. That there's too much resentment in our marriage. Too much distrust.

I'm open to advice, suggestions, anything, as you mentioned my thinking is muddled, I feel overwhelmed...totally overwhelmed.

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Just as one small aspect of the whole situation, it really could be accidental. I've had a few nail-biters when I've forgotten pills, especially when I've had a lot on my mind. And it sounds like she has had plenty on her mind.

Another small aspect is that if she's only very newly pregnant (must be at least a little more than one month pregnant?), there's no guarantee at all that things will last beyond the first trimester. I have too many friends who found out they were pregnant, announced (or just told me) very early, and then had a sad follow-up (often before the end of the first trimester).

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What were the reasons beneath the decision to divorce? When you say you don't trust her, I'm assuming there is something in the past that brought you to the brink of divorce. Whatever that was, you will either need to come to terms with it and put it aside, or you will need to acknowledge that it is too big an issue for you to live with as part of a married couple and proceed with the divorce. My guess is that this is part of your counseling.

You do not need to come to a decision today, tomorrow, or even next month. You were able to decide to divorce your wife with your young daughter in the picture. I'm not exactly clear on how this new pregnancy changes the situation. If you were able to comtemplate divorce last month, why not this month?

If the counseling is an attempt to save the marriage for the sake of your child and future child, then give it a chance to work. If you can't get over the issues of the past then I suggest you stay in counseling, as Noddy indicated below, to ease the pain of divorce for your children.

Cut yourself some slack. You're doing the right thing by getting counseling and attempting to put the pieces back together. Whatever the outcome is, you need to be part of your children's lives as best you can. Be their Dad, no matter what, and you'll be able to hold your head high.

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J_B wrote:

What were the reasons beneath the decision to divorce? When you say you don't trust her, I'm assuming there is something in the past that brought you to the brink of divorce. Whatever that was, you will either need to come to terms with it and put it aside, or you will need to acknowledge that it is too big an issue for you to live with as part of a married couple and proceed with the divorce. My guess is that this is part of your counseling.

My personal reasons over seperation have to do with my level of trust with her. They have to do with finances, rasing our child, and our "plan to have another child". I really can't be more specific right now.

You do not need to come to a decision today, tomorrow, or even next month. You were able to decide to divorce your wife with your young daughter in the picture. I'm not exactly clear on how this new pregnancy changes the situation. If you were able to comtemplate divorce last month, why not this month?

My thinking is...I want to be there for my wife if she needs me during her pregnancy. I want to try to take things one day at a time. I don't want her to be stressed or anxious. I don't want her to lose the baby because of the situation we're in now. I want to do what seems to be the right thing, which is to try to keep things as normal as possible during her pregnacy

If the counseling is an attempt to save the marriage for the sake of your child and future child, then give it a chance to work. If you can't get over the issues of the past then I suggest you stay in counseling, as Noddy indicated below, to ease the pain of divorce for your children.

Cut yourself some slack. You're doing the right thing by getting counseling and attempting to put the pieces back together. Whatever the outcome is, you need to be part of your children's lives as best you can. Be their Dad, no matter what, and you'll be able to hold your head high.

Thanks...one day at a time I guess...

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DESPERATE 4 HELP! PLEASE!

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