Mother in Law chapter II

My one experience with an alanon meeting was quite different. It was all about taking personal responsibility and accepting that one can only control one's own actions.

Or perhaps you can learn something to help him?

My impression is that the 12-step groups are more practical than preachy, but I could be wrong.

The household chores list sounds like a good start. Being turned into the Family Maid is humiliating. The Evils of Drink are one thing and picking up after someone else is quite another--but they are equally soul-destroying.

Hold your dominion.

I've never been to an aa meeting or al anon meeting, so I don't know about the higher power business. A friend's son just thinks of the group itself as a continuously changing higher power, and has been going for about nine years now to the aa meetings.

Another friend's son joined some group that was organized for nonbelievers as a similar step support system; I don't remember the name, much less if it had a group for relatives and friends of alcoholics.

Well, shewolf, the group talk seems a start.

Oh, I forgot - maybe there are some books that bring out some of the useful points that al anon meetings do, and still aren't totally gungho preachy to read.

that is an excellent idea Osso..
we have many MANY used book stores here in austin that would have a great selection of books to choose from.
Maybe, instead of trying to gung-ho a meeting with strangers, I can begin with small pieces from books.
that might be just enough to help.

DD- arent alanon meetings structured just like aa?
12 steps, higher power etc? Or am i wrong?
I have never been to one , so i truthfully dont know.
Maybe i just shot myself in the foot describing the meeting to mr wolf as a pseudo aa..

Shewolf....go! Both of you.

Take the good stuff and ignore the rest.
(I'd say the same about any kind of group.)

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/about.html

AlAnon doesn't deal with the Family Drunk--AlAnon helps families cope with the illness of a family member which affects family life.

Sample chapter from some AlAnon literature--god is not front and center here.


http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/chapter.html

not self centred - you need a little support and I hope it helps you and he'll attend occasionally with you

I don't think religion comes into AA meets here but the US has that strong bible belt thing so I suppose it inevitably comes through from the people if not the organisers. ( The things Bush comes out with make me cringe! )

It really doesn't - but you might be very correct with your observation re the situation across the big pond!

>shudder< yes maam.. bush .. ew.
That is a 4 letter word.

I go to AA and NA meetings on my own and no matter how much they say that religion doesnt play a part in it,there isnt a part of the big book for AA that doesnt refer to the " You need a ' higher power' in order to survive sober.
Now i know that MEANS many things.. but in aa that means god.
I have on may occasions spoke my religious feelings hoping that someone may need to hear that you CAN stay sober and NOT chase the bible.
Maybe someone was helped.
But even then, i get sideways looks and questions about " my ability to stay sober with out g-o-d'.

any-who.. that is a soap box i dont need. hehe

thanks for that link Noddy.
Im off to investigate it..

http://www.rational.org/

Secular Organizations for Sobriety
The SOS International Newsletter

The Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS) National Clearinghouse publishes a quarterly newsletter that is filled with items of interest to all recovering substance abusers, to professionals, and to the families and friends of alcoholics and addicts. The SOS International Newsletter serves as an information source for group convenors and as a forum for newsletter subscribers. Subscriptions are $18 per year. Subscribe to the SOS International Newsletter today!

What Is SOS?

SOS is an alternative recovery method for those alcoholics or drug addicts who are uncomfortable with the spiritual content of widely available 12-Step programs. SOS takes a reasonable, secular approach to recovery and maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from religion or spirituality. SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety, without reliance on any "Higher Power." SOS respects recovery in any form regardless of the path by which it is achieved. It is not opposed to or in competition with any other recovery programs.

SOS supports healthy skepticism and encourages the use of the scientific method to understand alcoholism.

The SOS Groups

SOS is a non-profit network of autonomous, non-professional local groups dedicated solely to helping individuals achieve and maintain sobriety. There are groups meeting in many cities throughout the country.

All those who sincerely seek sobriety are welcome as members in any SOS Group. SOS is not a spin-off of any religious group. There is no hidden agenda, as SOS is concerned with sobriety, not religiosity. SOS seeks only to promote sobriety amongst those who suffer from alcoholism or other drug addictions. As a group, SOS has no opinion on outside matters and does not wish to become entangled in outside controversy.

Although sobriety is an individual responsibility, life does not have to be faced alone. The support of other alcoholics and addicts is a vital adjunct to recovery. In SOS, members share experiences, insights, information, strength, and encouragement in friendly, honest, anonymous, and supportive group meetings. To avoid unnecessary entanglements, each SOS group is self-supporting through contributions from its members and refuses outside support.

The Sobriety Priority

Sobriety is the number one priority in an alcoholic's or addict's life. As such, he or she must abstain from all drugs or alcohol. Honest, clear, and direct communication of feelings, thoughts, and knowledge aids in recovery and in choosing non-destructive, non-delusional, and rational approaches to living sober and rewarding lives. As knowledge of drinking or addiction might cause a person harm or embarrassment in the outside world, SOS guards the anonymity of its membership and the contents of its discussions from those not within the group.

SOS encourages the scientific study of alcoholism and addiction in all their aspects. SOS does not limit its outlook to one area of knowledge or theory of alcoholism and addiction. To break the cycle of denial and achieve sobriety, we first acknowledge that we are alcoholics or addicts. We reaffirm this truth daily and accept without reservation the fact that, as clean and sober individuals, we can not and do not drink or use, no matter what. Since drinking or using is not an option for us, we take whatever steps are necessary to continue our Sobriety Priority lifelong.

A quality of life - "the good life" - can be achieved. However, life is also filled with uncertainties. Therefore, we do not drink or use regardless of feelings, circumstances, or conflicts. We share in confidence with each other our thoughts and feelings as sober, clean individuals. Sobriety is our Priority, and we are each responsible for our lives and our sobriety.

In James Christopher's book, How to Stay Sober: Recovery Without Religion, Christopher, founder of SOS, describes his own "recovery without religion." He focuses on the practical aspects of his triumph over alcoholism and includes guidelines for the formation of secular support groups. In Unhooked: Staying Sober and Drug Free, Christopher recounts the evolution of SOS, invites the reader to sit in on a fictionalized SOS meeting and offers further strategies for achieving and maintaining sobriety and self-respect. In his most recent book, SOS Sobriety: The Proven Alternative To 12-Step Programs, James Christopher describes the proven methods of alcohol and drug abstention advocated by Secular Organizations for Sobriety (also known as "Save Our Selves"), the world's largest non-12-Step addiction recovery program.

The History Of SOS

The SOS movement began with an article in the Summer 1985 issue of Free Inquiry magazine, the leading secular humanist journal in the country. James Christopher, the son of an alcoholic and a sober alcoholic himself, wrote "Sobriety Without Superstition," an account of the path he took to sobriety. This path has led Christopher from seventeen years of a fearful and guilty alcoholism to a fearful and guilty sobriety with Alcoholics Anonymous. Christopher felt that there must be other alcoholics who wanted to achieve and maintain sobriety through personal responsibility and self-reliance. He also felt that turning one's life over to a "higher power" was not compatible with current research that indicated that addiction is the result of physiology, not psychology. As a result of the tremendous response to the article from alcoholics and addicts who wanted to maintain sobriety as a separate issue from religion, Jim Christopher founded the Secular Organizations for Sobriety.

Today there are SOS groups meeting in every state, as well as in other countries. SOS has gained recognition from rehabilitation professionals and the nation's court systems. In November of 1987, the California courts recognized SOS as an alternative to AA in sentencing offenders to mandatory participation in a rehabilitation program. Also, the Veterans Administration has adopted a policy which prohibits mandatory participation in programs of a religious nature.

More information for families of alcoholics:
http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1478X13.pdf

SW, I've only been to one meeting (which was required by a class I was taking). I'm no expert.

BBB, that's some great information! I hope lots of people learn about this great-sounding organization.

Shewolf, I attend ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings for several years in the late 1980's-early 1990's. They were a 12-step program based on the original AA/AlAnon models. I'm not sure the organization even exists any more.

Anyway, I am entirely non-religious and was somewhat annoyed by the constant "Higher Power" talk. I found, however, that just hearing the stories of others who grew up like I did to be worth this little annoyance.

Nobody ever tried to convince me there was a God, they just stated their own beliefs, which was OK with me. After all, folk have a right to believe whatever they choose.

Just being in contact with other people living with alcoholics might be the most helpful part of AlAnon for you. I very much hope you go alone to at least 1 or 2 meetings. Seeing as meetings are free, I think whatever risk is worth the possible benefit for you.

If fella doesn't want to go, that certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't go!

Eventually I replaced the "Let Go and Let God" phrase with "Do Your Best and Then Say F*ck It." Worked pretty well for me.

Maybe I should turn this into a ' life plan' thread instead..
Dys & BBs posts made me do a lot of rethinking.
On top of that, I called my councilor and the amazing woman she is, opened her office to me and 2 members of a Alanon meeting.
Just this afternoon after Beans doc appt ( poor sick baby :-( ) I went and sat with these women and .. well.. had a bit of a change.
A pissy one at that.

Through my own analysis and train of thought I realized that alot of the anger that I get from this situation is mainly about me. Me , meaning that I at one time probally used to behave much the same way. When i was addicted to drugs my world was as small as MIL's. Everything was about me and noone else. My use was above and beyond anything else in my life and all of my actions and reactions were about drugs. As self centered as I label her.. i was once as well.
I think that alot of my frustration has to do with the fact that I have never really gotten over MY **** in the first place and I am in a sense placing the guilt and blame for my own actions on her shoulders. Essentially.. I am being as self centered as I call her..
Now, I am not rolling over and playing the " oh poor me" game with this information and forgetting that she needs help. I jsut realized that I am making my style of help about me and not her.

holy ****. This feels strange. But understandable.
So I came up with a plan of action for myself and my family that will encorporate my problems/issues but will keep them seperate where they belong.
most of wich revolves around getting some kind of employment.
With that being a number one goal, I have already secured 4 housecleaning jobs . The first begins this weekend and with 2 of them, they want to see my results and I can consider them ' permanent' customers. I can set up a monthly schedule with them and show up on those days, do my work, and get out.
Second goal is to keep MIL aware of what WE are doing. What i mean by that is to keep her in the social circle im sure she feels out of . That is all i can do to offer support. With that option comes my ability to offer help and an open invite to go to support groups with me and give her some other things to look forward to , to do during the week. Seeing as how that was one of her issues with drinking " I just dont have anything to do, im bored and lonely" ... this effort may be a great place to start with her.
After that I am going to boost my trips to my own councilor and
make sure that I remain honest with her as well. For the longest time i never disclosed to her what my home life was like and why i was always going backwards with my work instead of forward.
My biggest goal is to get the fcuk out.
That can not change.
With this extra money that is begining to trickle in, we can have a bit more freedom to explore other options for our living situation.
Essentially.. after I get a hand full of small customers , I am going to be able to afford extra gas and possibly a small time baby sitter ( a few hours at a time if and when necessary) for full time job hunting.
When Bean gets into UT day care, I will then have an 11 hour opening during the day to find a full time job with full time pay..

from there.. we move.

In the meantime I have taken some of Boris' ideas and they seem to be a wonderful help. Teas, chamomile, valerian..etc. All things I knew about.. yet for some reason never thought of them being any kind of assistance until she pointed them out.
I have been able to sleep a little better and I have a small watery cup of chamomile tea a couple of times a day and that has helped my immediate mood quite a bit..
Dys' link has also become a fav on my list and have read through it almost completely. It is right up my alley .

MIL so far has been sober for a week. La-tee-dah is how I feel right now. I told her at the dinner table and a few times this past week how nice it is to actually SEE her and SEE her be happy.
now.. the test is to see how long this lasts. And even bigger test is to see if she really wants to BE sober..

Shewolf--

You've started an exciting journey. Hold your dominion.

Congrats on the jobs! Way to be proactive.

<high five!>

Way to go, Shewolf! I'm very proud of you.

Good, and good, and good.