Mother in Law chapter II

There was an interview recently in The Sunday Times with Donald Sutherland in which was this-

The interviewer said-"But is preening in a petticoat at all relevant today?

DS-"My God,it is.Particularly in the United States where they talk of family values but leave people to drown."

are you saying that you think it is a bad idea for us to work on leaving ?

I think DS was referring to the welfare system in general rather than specific personal cases.That's what I took him to mean.If you vote for low taxes and cheap gas you are going to get a callous welfare system and those who vote that way bear direct responsibilty however much they try to squirm out of it with pretty words.

As I said earlier,there are too many unknown factors for me to even consider advising you.

Just echoing others' thoughts that AlAnon is an extremely good idea... for YOU.

Knowing that others are in similar (or worse) situations, and meeting them in person, can be very healing.

I think working on leaving is an excellent idea, and I think AlAnon might help with this work.

Big hugs and love to Shewolf, Ian, and Bean.

do understand , that as i sit here ranting and raving and yelling ' i hate , i hate, i hate' .. that , those words do not fuel my actions.

i have come to a point where i feel like all of my resources have been tapped. All of my suggestions and offers of help have been used and i dont know what to do besides vent to save my own sanity.
understand that i have not just sat back and said / done nothing.

i try to understand where she is in her life and aside from imagining how she must feel, I have no clue?
I try to imagine what it would feel like to have lost mr wolf, and not know what to do. I try to picture my life through her situation and all i can do is project how it would feel.. but i dont know? Im human too.. i can imgaine how it would feel, but with no experience .. im clueless.
I can bet you that there is jealousy there that is fueling her pain. She is watching her son HAVE his wife and family still alive while HER husband is dead. I can bet that she probally feels she can not grieve completely because she has other people in her home. I can imagine that she thinks we dont 'care' because we dont know. I can imagine that her home doesnt feel the same anymore not only because her husband is gone, but her son and his wife now live in it with her. I can imgaine that she doesnt know what to feel or what to say because her husband was her best friend and now, there is noone for her to confide in.
I can imagine all those feelings.. but with no experience , i cant understand.
I dont hate the woman I hate the alcohol.
And at this point they have meshed together so well , that I am having a hard time seperating the two.

There is part of me at times that wants to shake her senseless because I know that she isnt the person she has become. But the other side of me realizes she doesnt even know the person she has become because she feels incomplete.

I am angry because this behavior she is exhibiting doesnt fit HER.
She is so intelligant. Very soft spoken, very nice, and has a wonderful sense of humor. She has the best ability I have ever seen in someone to analize a situation. If I ever need any kind of information, I ask her , because she is so full of knowledge it is just amazing at times.
At 53 years old, she is one of the most physicaly beautiful women I have ever seen. She has this thin straight silver colored hair that frames a perfect face . She is tall and thin , with a beautiful straight white smile.
You know she used to be a model? And it shows.
When she is with Bean, she has more patience, love, and compassion then even I do with my own child. Grandparents love thier kids.. but not like she does .
She has so MUCH about her that makes her a wonderful person that this angry mean alcoholic she has become just doesnt FIT. It is like night and day.
THAT is what makes me so damn angry about it.
Does that make sense to you?
I know it sounds like this is all about bashing the mother in law as a person. but that isnt what I mean . I dont hate her. I hate who she has become and alcohol has only made that worse.
i wouldnt try to help, and i wouldnt try to step in if I didnt care about her as a person.
It has finally come to the point that all I feel I can do to help is vent so that I can keep a level head. I have to spill my hate and anger somewhere so that I dont give it to her because it doesnt belong to her.. it belongs to me .

Shewolf--



Excellent analysis of the situation.

Now, get out the phone book and look in the Blue Pages for AA/AlAnon numbers.

You've got the problem--and you're going to solve your corner of it.

I had a LONG phone conversation with my councilor yesterday.
I asked her for her opinion on local alanon meetings.
She goes to these types of meetings all the time so that she can help 'place' people in the most comfortable group for them. She gave me locations for 5 diffrent groups that are my speed. Small , close to my home..etc. One of them has a meeting on sunday. Hopefully.. weather will permit, I will go then and sit in on it.

I was just explaining my purpose for the 'thread' to spendius and others who may not understand the anger and the constant complaining I have been doing.

Your anger is justified and no one need question that. It's none of their business in the first place, and they shouldn't be commenting on your person when they don't know a thing about you.

I wouldn't worry shewolf...for the most part, everyone here knows you well enough to understand you.

SW_

Of course I understand your anger.I would be pretty angry myself with a situation you describe.I can't understand where BD's coming from though.I don't understand my closest relations.Does she think that asserting that she understands you means that she does.She's just trying to project what a virtuous and caring person she is at zero cost.She might even get a kick out of it.

I know,and have known,loads of alcoholics.The key questions for those around them are can they afford the booze and do they get violent.I know there are other questions but those two matter most.

These are four real people,one of whom has no possible responsibility.They are not caricatures.

And by no stretch of the imagination can they be said to be badly off compared to the world situtation.

You can't understand where defending a friend comes from? I'd hate to be one of yours then.

To assume that my post was even directed at you is pretty vain but then again someone always has something nasty to say when it comes to me. I, unlike a lot of people here, am always honest. And a lot of people don't like me for that. Take a look at my posts. I don't lie. I don't "soften" my opinions. I don't even bother to sugar coat things. I say it like it is and if that's too direct for you, too bad. I don't get a kick out of having to defend a friend. I don't think I should have to. But I will when people question what they don't understand or know.

So erdoc gets knocked out and now me.We can't compete with that stuff.

Oops!

I am not sure what you mean by that. There is no "competition" here.

And Erdoc got "knocked out" because he was an ass. You didn't get "knocked out" at all in my opinion. No one asked you to leave. No one wants you to leave.

AlAnon doesn't cure alcoholics--it gives families some information, some perspective and some support about the alcoholics they have to deal with.

Shewolf- Have you considered childcare? Taking kids in on Friday and Saturday evenings can be quite lucrative... especially if one has CPR, rescue breathing, etc.

I have considered child care. Though, the thought makes me uncomfortable.. it isnt an impossibility.
But there are things that would need to be done to the home to ensure room for other children that are not quite possible yet.
Number one would be a fence around the property.
Then,I would have to be able to re-arrange the furniture and room set ups so that there would b e a fair enough space for 2 or more kids.
On top of that, i am such a paranoid mommy myself, I would be worried about other peoples children to the point that I would have more then a handfull of grey hairs ( as i do now) with in about 24 hours. hehe
I think I would do it for a friend.. but a stranger.. kinda makes me a little weary

yeah, ok ....... well the alanon idea?
out the window.
The mister.. aint havin it.
Now I can analyze his reasons until the moon melts.. but fact of the matter is he is uncomfortable with it.
And my hunch is one of 3 things-
1) many MANY people are highly religious in these meetings and aa/na style meetings bother him because of that. He doesnt see anything to gain from listening to people praise 'god' for actions THEY have done.
Fair enough.. but this isnt the only reason we need to NOT go.
2) he would have to admit , he is an enabler. With out completely understanding that behavior , im sure that bothers him
3) he would have to admit that his mom has a real problem.

He knows she does. And with his words it is obvious.. with his actions is another thing. I think that he feels like , if he admits it...it becomes real.
But.. I dont know.
him and I will talk more later tonight after bean is asleep.

I have alot on my plate today. I actually stood up for myself . ( wowser) and approached the trashyness this house has been subjected to due to the drinking problem. I had to resort to a kindergarden style of a ' chore list' , but using that as a front, I was able to point out and essentially assign MIL to clean up after herself.
No more throwing trash AT the trash can.. make it in.
No more leaving trash on the counters -
No more piling dishes on the counter, sink, or table, - they go in the dishwasher.
No more unloading grocery bags on the counters and leaving them there
no more spilling food, water, and coffee and not wiping it up.
So on and so on..
I roped myself anf Ian into it as well portraying it as ' house keeping' and basic living spaces maintance..

I feel very good.
It was eating away at me, the amounts of crap that were all over the house due to her not cleaning. No matter how hard and how fast I cleaned behind her, every morning no matter how clean the kitchen, it was destroyed. Strangly.. by one person.
I fairly divided up a handfull of small chores, taking most of the housework myself since I am home all day and it was recieved very well.
My goal for that is to give her SOMETHING ELSE to do during the day. Some sort of feeling of responsibility DOWNSTAIRS that can keep her social with us, fill her empty schedule and maybe.. a way for us all to re-learn to talk with each other.
we shall see .

that sounds very constructive and it seems you handled it really well - fingers crossed that it helps.

shame about the AA meets but I can sympathise with the reasons

I can too. I have a hard time in those style meetings as well.. but I go to them every now and then on my own for my sanity/sobriety's sake.
It took me a while to be able to tune out what i dont want to / or dont need to hear, and pick up what was essential for me at the time.

I will go to alanon , even if by myself. But i want the mister to join. If only for the sake of support for ME ( self centered I know.. ) but maybe in the wake of that reason, he can find something to help him.