Mother in Law chapter II

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She drank herself to the floor this weekend.
Stayed home today and called into work sick.. at least that is my idea of why she is here. I dont know the truth because she hasnt gotten out of bed yet.
Her job is such that she cant call in much. Private sector advertisement/ real estate... if you are not in work, they fire you. She has been with this company for 10 years. But, in the companies eyes she is disposable.
She used to tell us "horror" stories of employees that were let go because they called in.
A woman who was pregnant with a child in day care..
Her child was sick alot.. she had to call in to take care of her kid
fired
A man who was in a car wreck.
fired

the list could go on and on.

Now she is calling in drunk.
If she looses her job , sheis homeless and so are we.
She drinks all the time now. The minute she gets home, she races up stairs with her bottle hidden in her bag Rolling Eyes

and drinks . We dont see her.
She leaves her trash and dirty dishes everywhere for us to clean. She ignored Bean as she cries because she hasnt seen her in days and she just walks past her in a hurry to get upstairs and get drunk.
Weekends, she does nothing but drink.
Granted, she stays clear of us while she drinks. We rarely see her drunk.
I used to be thankfull for that. But now I just want her sober.
I am at the point where I can admit that I do not like her. I do not like her sober, i do not like her drunk. I do not like her sense of humor, i do not like her criticisim. I do not like her ideas, i do not like her voice. I just truthfully do not like HER. And I have tried. I have tried to get to know her. I have tried doing things with her. I have tried being around her and bashing myself for the arrogance of " not liking her". Drinking aside, I do not like the person she is. Nothing more , nothing less. Im not vicious, im not rude, she is just a personality I dont get along with. Top that wih a habit that is causing this house to become a hell pit.. and it is turning into hate.
I try to remind myself that she just lost her husband . But that was 2 years ago. I try to set myself in her shoes and how painful it must be . How lonely it is to sleep by yourself. I try to imagine what it would be like for me. How much it would hurt every day that I would never see Ian again. But what I imagine, I am sure, is nothing like what it really is like.
So I am in a position that is strangling. I too have a problem with addiction. So I know what it is like from experience , to not want to stop using something to change how you feel and what it is like to convince yourself that YOU NEED that drug. I am also having a problem with keeping my head clear enough to not want to use somethhing myself. But I guard my sobriety with a vengance. I have to be sober because I am now responsible for my daughters life and a selfish choice of using something isnt an option. Not anymore. Not for me.
I am worn thin. I am not myself anymore. I am glued to the computer now. It is my only mental escape. No matter what I may take myself out to do during the day.. as I drive back here, myheart sinks. I always have to come back to this suffocating cave. With this woman who is tearing my family and my sanity apart. I have to comfort Ian and Jillian on a daily basis and I dont feel like a strong person anymore. I am pulling from reserves that dont exist anymore to try and smooth my family. She is teaching my daughter to be like her and I dont want that. I dont have room to defend and protect my family. She wont sober up.
Im tired of hurting because of someone else's actions. I have thought through all my resources and options and there is little.
It has come to me taking a job overnight.
we have to get out.

I am sitting in a place where i dont know what to do.
What do you do with someone who hates themselves and their lives so much they want to drink it away? Frankly, im surprised she hasnt killed herself. Not from the drinking, from not wanting to live. Literally..
I want to do something for her. But i have come to the point that i am not sure i care enough anymore. The damage to my family has far out weighed my sympathy for her.. and i feel like a terrible person for that, but that is where I am at with this situation. I am tired of having to comfort my husband because he is so torn with watching his mom drink all the time. I am tired of having to scoop up Bean because she starts crying when her gramma walks by her in too much of a hurry to drink to even give her a hug.
im tired
im just f.ucking tired.

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That is really really sad. More thoughts coming. I have to process this.

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Obviously you have reached the point, where there only two possibilities:

- either accepting her and her kind of life
- or care for yourself (and your family).

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Ok, here's my golden advice.

You don't like who she is and clearly neither does she. Like you, I have some sympathy for her plight. But the fact of the matter is that at some point we have to cut our losses. It's not healthy for you to be there. Not for you, your daughter, or your husband. You have to go now. I know your situation is not so easy as that but now is the time to try to make it happen. She needs help but you are not in the position to give it to her. Tell your husband what you've written here. See if you can't figure out a way to leave.

Nobody likes weighing one life against another but that's what you have to do here. On the one hand you have your bean, yourself, and your husband. On the other hand, her. The balance is just not even close. It's you and your family all the way.

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Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! This is awful. I wish I could offer more than caring about you and your family. Y'all need to get out of there.

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Oh, shewolf, my heart goes out to you! You are one of the a2k voices I like the best; you always seem strong to me. I love your Bean stories -- my own chickadee is 17-going-on-26 -- and it's nice to remember, through you, what she was like little. (same goes for Soz and others, too)

Can you, Ian, Bean get away for a few days, even a weekend? Some time alone with your immediate loved ones (and not having to deal with MIL at all) might allow you a little recuperation. With a bit of your strength back it might be easier to see a way out...

You know what Noddy would say. Do it.

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Gawd, this is terrible. I'm so sorry to read this. You're right, the next step, love it or not, is to do whatever it takes to get out.

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Shewolf--

How much money have you saved by living with your mother in law? How much is your sanity worth?

Can you afford to move? Is your husband ready to admit that Good Will is not enough?

Your m-i-l is not going to change. You either have to live with her behavior or get out from under.

Quivering rage is all very well, but living in a state of quivering rage is not productive--and is destructive.

I'm with Wy--Hold Your Dominion.

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as of today, Ian has pushed HR dept of UT to get beans placement moved in their day care system.
That day care system is close to his office and will make it easier for us to both work with only one car.
and today.. that is all we can do.
not a big hurdle at all.. but i tell you .. just being that much closer to an option for placement for bean feels a little better..not much.

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Well, that's something. One little something like that a day and you just might get somewhere.

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Sorry to hear that you are going through hell, Shewolf. I think you know the answer, but I will say my piece anyway.

Same as most people would say, really.......your own little family comes first, so take a deep breath and find a place of your own as quickly as possible.

Time for a new chapter, methinks.

Good luck.

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Getting really pragmatic here....

Who owns the house?
If she were gone, could you rent her room out?
Does she have friends/other family she could stay with?

Did you say at one time you're a nurse?
Get some per diem work, nights if you have to.

I don't have to tell you it's hard dealing with a drunk, but sometimes it comes down to "it's you or me sister, and it ain't gonna be me"

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You do not like her when she drinks,
You do not like the way she stinks.
You do not like her in her room,
You'd like to see her in her tomb!
You do not like her when she talks,
You do not like the way she walks!
You do not like her here or there,
You need to get out, just anywhere.

Sorry to hear about the continuing troubles. We had to cut off contact with both of our mothers due to continued attempts to interfere with our relationship. It's starting to get sorted out now, but man it's rough to take that first step. Don't feel bad about needing to protect yourself, your daughter, and your husband. You might be helping her if ya'll were to move out.

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I am so sorry she has gone more and more downhill. I completely agree that you three need to leave - you've known that, but have been trying to save, I know. Can you get away for a day or two, the three of you, and talk and walk it out?

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how much have we saved being here? 0 in fact our savings is gone
how much is my sanity worth? 1,000,000 .. can i borrow a couple'a bucks ? Im a little short there..
hehe

we have lost our savings. we were not supposed to have to do that to live here. But her financial demands of us were more then we could take.
Ian is very aware of her drinking and doesnt want to be here either. But , he is torn. THis is his mom. That WAS his dad..
good will is hurting us. and i think he is seeing that.
I am as honest with him as i can be with out slamming his mom with my words.

we just spend this past weekend at my cousins house in san antonio. Loved it.
I had not realized how bad it was in this house until we got back. I am now a train wreck. I forgot what peace and quiet was. I forgot what a cleanhouse is. I forgot what it was to eat dinner with normal people. I didnt realize what I had become until it was time for us to drive home and my legs were shaking. How bad is that? I was scared to drive backt o austin. SCARED.
this is pathetic.
I spent the weekend talking with my cousin and she was .. for lack of better term.. freaked out by what was going on in this house.
so i realised right there that there is more going on then i am admitting and i have gotten too good at turning a blind eye.

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Has your husband been to alanon or a similar group? Or read much about "enabling"? There must be a mess of underlying guilt feelings when one leaves a parent in this situation and the guilt is not so appropriate; the staying hasn't gotten her to change. I feel for him. Well, I feel for all of you, but especially you and Bean.

Then there's co-dependency, a word that makes me grit my teeth but is what happens a lot.

I know you all wanted to help her and save up at the same time and didn't' mean to be co-dependent, or whatever word.

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Good first steps:

You and Mr. Wolf agree that drastic change will be necessary.

Day Care arrangements are getting organized.

Now, as a Resourceful, Powerful, Competant Woman, what are you going to do for an encore?

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cry

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Let me spill a little personal stuff here.

I dont have my nursing license anymore. I will never get it again.
4 years ago I fought with a doctor, almost literally, over the treatment of a patient. This patient had no bowel sounds and yet he wanted to give a type of laxative for treatment. He could have killed this person.
I got angry and arrogant and I took one of his RX's and wrote out what i think that patient should have had.
I was right. That person lived.
He charged me with felony charges... and won.
Because of that, i can not rent at 90% of the apts in Austin.
I can not get state assistance.
I can not get checking accounts.
I can not work in almost ALL places in austin.
I was an idiot. but i am no 'felon'.
but i have to pay for my arrogance for the rest of my life.
and because of that, it is a HEAP for us to be able to move.
That is why we were so excited about moving here because we were able to save money and just buy a house and not worry about trying to find a place to rent.

if this changesyour view of me.. sorry.
I didnt hurt anyone, i just got angry.
But, so everyone understands.. this isnt an easy thing for us to do.
and now that bean is here it is even harder. All because, a few years ago, i got arrogant, and thought I knew it all.
Crying or Very sad

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hmmm, i hate to be the one to say this, but here goes...

she may have lost her husband two years ago, which is terrible, i can't even imagine, but she still has a son, a daughter-in-law, and a granddaughter to love and to hold close. she should want to be sober for you all. if she can't be, again i can't even imagine the pain, you all need to get out.

can you get an apartment? i know rental rates there are astronomical, at least they were when we left, but can you afford it? you aren't a train wreck if you are thinking this clearly. now is the time to take a deep breath, take control of the situation, and plan out exactly what you need to do to get out.

oh i wish i could give you a huge hug! take care of you and yours first sweetie! let me know if i can do anything!

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Mother in Law chapter II

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