What to do about boyfriend's temper

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My boyfriend is a really great guy and he is pretty much everything I've always wanted. The only problem I really have with him is that he has a very hard time admitting when he's wrong. I think he's probably only said "You're right." or "I'm wrong" maybe once or twice.
I'm not asking for anything spectacular, just to apologize when an apology is due, which is what he expects from me.
If I ever have a problem with him or he has done or said something to hurt me, it is very difficult to talk to him. He becomes very angry and mean and I always end up apologizing and saying "You're right." because I don't want to fight anymore.
It's almost gotten to the point where I just let things go because I don't want to risk an argument.
We plan on moving in together sometime in the near future and we've been discussing future plans together, but I can't imagine how i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with someone who I can't talk to.
We can talk about anything as long as it doesn't involve a mistake on his part.
He is aware of this and admits that he has a problem. He has been doing very well but every once and awhile, reverts back to his old ways.
I love him very much and I really want to make this work.
I don't know what to do about this problem. I don't feel this is something I can accustom myself to forever. He is only 23 and I feel like if he can fix this problem now, it won't be an issue in the future.
His family knows that this is a problem and jokes with me about it sometimes, but I don't feel that they get it as badly as I do, so it's kind of a joke for them.
I feel like I have no idea what to do, but i'm really tired of remaining silent.
Any advice? Thanks.

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How long have you known your boyfriend?

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First of all, don't say, "I do" until you've resolved this. You already have doubts about coping with his temperament. Trust your gut.

Second, when you said,

Quote:

I don't feel this is something I can accustom myself to forever. He is only 23 and I feel like if he can fix this problem now, it won't be an issue in the future.
His family knows that this is a problem and jokes with me about it sometimes

my radar flags started beeping like mad. You want him to change his 'problem' even though this is apparently a well known concern that has been going on for a long time. I don't see him making significant changes in his outlook unless he is willing to spend time with a therapist. There's a reason he acts like he does and unless he understands the reason I doubt he'll be able to turn it off easily.

You also said,

Quote:

If I ever have a problem with him or he has done or said something to hurt me, it is very difficult to talk to him. He becomes very angry and mean and I always end up apologizing and saying "You're right." because I don't want to fight anymore.

This is no way to go into a committed relationship. I would not move in with him if I felt like this and I certainly wouldn't think in terms of marriage.

You asked for advice. Mine is to enjoy his company if you like him, but keep it casual. This is not someone to whom I would get deeply involved.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

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Your boyfriend is a "really great guy" when things are going his way. When they aren't he's a very clever guy at manipulating you so that things do go his way.

I'm with J_B--alarm bells are going off like crazy.

His family has learned to cope with his despotic ways by joking about his little foibles. This works for them, but they won't be living with him for the rest of his life, nor will they be the ones to tell the children that "Daddy is always right according to Daddy."

If you don't have mutual respect in a relationship, what do you have?

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VH,

you have gotten good advice here. i was in this situation with my current hubby about 3 months into our relationship. i said, sorry buddy, you don't always get to be right and i keep saying yes sir. it doesn't work that way. i told him to leave, don't let the door hit ya on the ass, if you see me out somewhere don't even pretend like you know me. i dropped him off at home, said buhbye, and drove off.

obviously we are now married, he came crawling back, admitting to all of his problems (mainly that he was always right and i was always wrong in every situation between us), and he has worked so hard on them. is he perfect? of course not, but i will tell you he admits when he is wrong and he doesn't turn it around when i get mad first and make me say i am sorry (which happened).

he got help with that and worked very hard because he loved me. and we are so happy. but guess what, if he hadn't changed, i would still be pretending i didn't know him.

and your boyfriend isn't a great guy. he is manipulative, makes you feel bad about yourself, and is very selfish. he is thinking of himself, not you.

sorry, but i have been there. my method was extreme (as most of my actions tend to be), but it worked. however, you have to be ready for the other outcome, him not coming back. i was ready because i decided it was better to be alone than with someone who didn't respect me and my feelings. sorry. Sad

good luck!

edited for clarification.

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Great info from the other posters. I agree.

My stomach was getting into a little knot even reading about this! Shocked

See, I have been the one in your bf's position. This is some serious stuff to work out: and you should not take it lightly at all. If anything; this sort of attitude will only escalate. It could become physical : this usually comes from wanting to be in control. I wouldn't want you to have to experience anything like that.
You must sort it your position on it now: and do not let him get away with any crap!

Dragon's advice was excellent. Take a hard line. Do not even consider marrying him while this is going on. It will be difficult I'm sure, but it would be a lot more difficult being married to him and the relationship being a complete horror. Deal with it now; and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't show some real effort and improvement.

Take care of yourself.
You are worth the effort; and you are worth more than this.
A healthy relationship does not require you to swallow your feelings and hide parts of yourself from your partner.
Razz

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flushd wrote:

Take care of yourself.
You are worth the effort; and you are worth more than this.
A healthy relationship does not require you to swallow your feelings and hide parts of yourself from your partner.

this might be the best piece of advice! you are worth it. and he can change, he just has to want to. mr.d did it wonderfully because he loved me and didn't want to be without me-and we are oh so happy. your man can do it too IF he loves you and respects you-if he doesn't why would want to be with him?

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Shewolf and I were discussing this and both of us came to the same conclusion. This man, scratvh that, boy has no respect for anyone but himself. He will not change. Either put up with it and be miserable for the rest of your life, or kick his butt outta your life.

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my partner is very similar with the not apoligising but i dont let it go i say how i feel and now we argue almost everyday i dont know what the answer is my partner is abou the see a therapist this week so will let you know if it works

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What to do about boyfriend's temper

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