Wife or parents... who should it be ?

I am not the person to help you - I am right away all on your side, and have no cultural or legal knowlege re where you
are --- so, I am just answering to kick the question up in the post list, so someone more useful to you may answer.

caprifella--

I would personally choose to help my father and grandfather--if, after planning, I could see that it wouldn't interfere with my child's education.

BUT-- the easy answer (and the correct answer) is --if you value your marriage--you have to reach agreements with your wife. You can't go off and make serious financial decisions without her agreement.

It would be better to sit down with a spirit of compromise--ask her to share her concerns--you share yours--and try to iron out something reasonable.

Unless you are wealthy, I think you probably "helped" dad and grandad a bit beyond your means--

However, if the daughter's education is provided for, perhaps your wife is concerned about her retirement--and trust me--she has a right to be.

Need to communicate about one another's feelings re money.

Good luck.

Personaly I would help my parents. They brought me up to be the person that I am. They also spent a lot of money on me so when the time comes when I can repay them for what they did for me, I will go out of my way as much as I can. But I will never be able to repay them. I won't tolerate having to choose.

I come from an Indian background and really it's meant to be the boys responsibilty to take care of their parents when they get old. But things are changing and parents must adapt to it. Girls aren't as weak as they used to be.

Did you sit down with your wife and talk about your planned generosity?

Or did you make an announcement that you were going to help your parents and grandfather?

Or did you make the arrangements to help your father and grandfather and then tell your wife?

If I were your wife and you didn't discuss the matter first, I'd be leaving you.

Yep, I very much agree that just presenting this as a fait accompli rather than discussing it first could be more of an issue than whether it is OK to help your parents and grandparents, itself.

Where are her parents and grandparents in this, too?

Re: Wife or parents... who should it be ?


Interesting start to your thread here. TOGETHER you make about $200K/year but YOU decided that you'd buy houses for your family???

Doesn't she get any say in how "OUR" money is being spent???? it's no wonder she's considering a divorce...

Whoa now, he hasn't said that this is the case yet. Let's wait and see...

Couple of things to put things in perspective. My parents/grandparents live in another country. A house there will cost me $25k, with about 4k installments every 6 months.

My parents' house is almost ready... another 6 months to go. Out of the 6 or 7 payments so far, I have paid 3 ! Everytime we had some other expense here, I would tell him I cannot pay it. At the age of 63, he would take a second job to fill that installment.

About my grandparents, they are ill. They need to move to the city. I lived with them through graduation and they have been the bestest grandparents ever. I want to help them now that they are old and need help.

Having said all that, I completely agree that I have been a jerk in not discussing it first. But frankly, I don't know what else to do. For example, last year my Mom and sis came to stay with us.THis was just after her parents came to staty with us. Her Dad came and went back in a month, then came in 6 months again. We footed the bill for all those tickets, $1500 each. But when my mom and sis were due to travel in a week, my wife felt we had no money for 2 tickets. She felt my sister should not come.
So, I discussed it with her, right ? And she didnt budge... she said we can afford only 1 ticket. What would I do ? Call my sister and tell her... "Uhh Sis.. I know I told you to come and I know you are all packed and stuff, but I dont have the money to get you here" ? Well, guess what... I did exactly that.
The next year, she said I could not make the next installment cos we were planning a vacation ourselves. I didnt send it. Is that easy to live with ?

The thing is... I have spoken about it to her earlier. So she says no, don't send. What do I do... let them fend for themselves at that age ?

I really don't understand why it is so hard to accept this. When her parents needed help, she went ahead and helped them. I found about it later, but I didn't feel bad about it. I trusted her judgement and felt she needed to do it for her parents. Why immediately take it as an ego issue ?

All of my arguments aside, this is not working. One option is to tell my parents and grandparents that I cannot help them anymore. But should I be doing that to them ? Moreover, would it mend anything ? I don't know.... help !

I don't have to deal with your wife so this may sound a bit simplistic but it sounds like you both need to sit down and agree upon a family budget and, as a part of that, decide how much you can afford to give to your respective families, how much you need to be putting away for your child's education, your retirements, vacations, etc...

Once you've laid out all of your expenses than you two can discuss (and hopefully come to agreement on..) how much you can reasonably afford to give away.

Set up seperate accounts. Let you spend your money, and your wife spend hers.

Personally, I think your wife sucks. Telling you not to help family???

I agree with Slappy. Your wife is threatening with divorce
and blackmailing you into something you're not in agreement with.

If her family received financial help, why shouldn't yours?
Quite selfish attitude your wife is harboring there, and
I would also set up a separate account for your own disposal, and after you've fulfilled all common obligations, it is up to you how to spend your earnings.

Help your parents and grandparents, it will make you feel
better.

This is truely a Kodak moment.

I agree with Roger--sit down and set up a budget which includes family obligations on both sides.

Never, never again make unilateral decisions about spending joint money.

You say there is no point to discussing it because she doesn't want to give more money to your family--so you go ahead and give them the money without discussion.

Either you learn to make financial decisions together or you may be making them separately. Could you afford such generosity without your wife's income?

Yes, I think my wife is being unreasonable about this. In fact, the reason I did not discuss with her this time was because we had a similar argument last time when I was "discussing" it with her. Nothing came of it and I really needed to help them out. So I thought, hell with it, I cannot let those who looked after me for so many years, suffer like this just because I cannot convince my wife about it. But then I have come to learn something after being married. That attitude never works. Its a temporary high.

So last night I decided I am going to try to work it out again. I said I will buy these two houses since I have committed to it. But, I will make sure the monthly withdrawal never crosses a limit. if it does, I'll return that extra amount with interest. And I said I will always discuss the issue with her. On her side, she said we should not get into any major investment like this until we have enough (which was funny cos "enough" is never enough!). Of course, if they fall sick or something, we'll help immediately. I agreed to that.

Of course, the above discussion was not without the usual drama. Now things are better. Neither is sure what we have committed to. . Did we solve something, or did we dig a deeper trench. Only time will tell. Nevertheless, our 2 year old is the happiest cos we are not sulking anymore.

Aahh... married life. What is it that drives people to get married ? I have never been able to figure that one out...

Lastly, thank you ALL for your timely and fantastic responses. I don't even know any of you personally, but you have my utmost gratitude for being there for me when I needed it the most. Thank you !

I agree with Noddy. You both did selfish and uncaring things to each other. She did this to me so it is o-k for me to do this to her. This sounds more like control issues than money issues to me.

Bottom line - whenever some one is part of couple, any major spending should be decided together. It does not matter that a house is only $25k. It is still a large amount of money. I freaked out at my husband one day when he showed up with a large TV. We never discussed buying a TV and our current TV worked fine. Guess what - he returned it. We then decided before anyone purchases anything over $100 we talk about it first. That way no surprises. You need to set up some parameters with your wife - if you want to stay married.

It has nothing to do with your parents' needs. You NEED to discuss things like this with your wife - she is your life partner and earns have your income. It is wonderful that you want to help your parents, but both you and your wife need to work together to come to a fair and equal way of spending your money.

Maybe if you discuss what portion of money is used monthly to save for your daughter's education, what portion for monthly expenses and then an equal remainder for you to save or use as you see fit and the same for her. That way if she wants to use her portion for her family or anything she has it and the same for you. That way it is not a matter of what you spend "her" money on - but what you spend "your" money on.

hi,

you've got sound advice from everyone here...i think it would help, as others suggested, to dig out of YOUR money to help YOUR family.

My observation: you have been married for more than two years. You have know each others' parents well but yet your wife does not consider your family as her own (and maybe vice versa)...
I mean if she cared for your parents half as much as you did, there wouldnt be so much of a problem. Try and bring them closer, if possible. Also maybe you should try to do something out of the way for her parents to show you care for them too...(if you havent already).

Good luck

Hi, Caprifella. I'm glad to hear the two of you have discussed this and come to an agreement.

Two cautions:

First, It isn't YOUR money and HER money. Should you become ill, what happens when she doesn't want to spend HER money to help you? Your income is gone and she doesn't want to spend HER money to help your family?

Second, I doubt the tickets spent on her family equal two houses for your family, so that would be a major contention if I were her. I think there needs to be some balance if both families are on moderate incomes.

Welcome to Able 2 Know. We have lots of caring, helpful people here. I urge you to roam around to other areas. We have fun threads, too that are helpful escapes when things get tense.

You never said how much of your "almost 200K" income each of you makes. That might be an important thing to know before I call your wife a selfish greedy bitch.