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Mon 14 Oct, 2024 08:14 pm
We’ve been married over 20 years and our sex life was always pretty good up until a few years ago. Once my wife started going through menopause, things went down hill. We now have sex maybe once a month, if not longer. She not only has no desire at all, but it hurts because her inner walls have thinned and penetration feels like she’s tearing to pieces. We’ve tried numerous lubes and meds recommended by her dr but nothing helps. We only have oral sex now or masturbate but that’s it and I am fine with that if we do that. But she often says she will just give me a blow job to satisfy me and she doesn’t want me to reciprocate, which, for me, is the best part of having sex with her. I often decline because it doesn’t do it for me if she’s not into it. The best part about our love making was the LOVE making. Having that closeness with her. We’ve talked about it and she says she’ll discuss it with her dr but she never does. She’s 56 and I’m 64. To make it worse, I have a very high sex drive. I’m upset that now that the kids are mostly gone, when I expected to have more sexual freedom, we actually have none. She used to watch porn, now she doesn’t. She used to like toys, not anymore. The worst part is, she knows how this is affecting our relationship and she so desires intercourse. But she’s afraid of the pain and I won’t even attempt knowing what might happen. I try to reassure her it’s not her fault and we can find other things to do, but this is just making her feel bad. She can’t do some of the medication or hormone treatments because she has an immune deficiency and the cancer risks are too high.
Hoping someone might have been down this path or can offer advice. I feel like I’m being selfish but then again, I know how bad she feels and that she wants to be normal and healthy again. But we’ve hit what seems to be an impasse. I won’t cheat on her even though she’s suggested it and said that I can as long as I don’t tell her but I try to tell her that it’s not the sex that I truly seek but that connection we have when we have sex. I’m not interested in connecting with anyone else. I’m stymied!
@Stymied,
See a professional counselor. Far better solution than asking questions of Internet strangers. You’ve my sympathy. I wish you well.
@Ragman,
Spot on, Ragman. I tried and suggested it but she doesn’t like counseling. She had a very bad experience when she went through counseling during her divorce many years ago and the dr was truly a quack. Bought into her ex’s lies like a kid in a candy store. So she’ll never go back.
@Stymied,
You have my sincere sympathy. For the sake of discussion, I assume that you’re together because you both love each other and want to stay together. For the moment, let’s put aside having an arrangement outside of marriage. So, in a perfect world, attempt at counseling can be variable, but avoiding it totally as a possibility leaves little room for improvement. In a perfect world, suggestion of trying counseling on a specific and short term basis might be approached again. Having one bad experience with therapy shouldn’t keep her from trying another attempt. The past experience clouded her judgement but what is a viable alternative. Something positive and proactive needs to be done .
@Ragman,
I agree. If you asked her to go to counselling on this specific subject only, would that make a difference? She may do it because she loves you; she may not because she's afraid or something else... but this is becoming more and more widely admitted and discussed so there is likely advice out there.
Good luck.
@Mame,
Actually, that’s a great idea because I know how much this bothers her deep down and maybe her Gyno can suggest a therapist that specializes in something like this or has experience with it. Maybe that would work. We talk about it from time to time and I told her I’m fine with alternatives as there are plenty. That’s when she told me how much she misses intercourse. Kind of caught me by surprise considering how she has no interest or at least claims to have no interest. That may be her way of protecting herself.
And Ragman, you are correct. I was a big player in my younger days but once I found my true love, no one else matters. She and I are together forever. That’s kind of one reason I feel bad as well. I’ve got a lot of good years left in me I hope and I feel like I’m missing out. I’ve always had a high sex drive. But she has gained a lot of weight due to the meds she’s on, has a very demanding job and is under a lot of stress. None of that helps her situation. She probably feels guilty as well, blaming herself. I can sense it. I’ve taken over all the household jobs and I’m the primary chef. I do what I can to take the pressure off of her, but it’s never enough.
@Stymied,
Did you ever consider gaining mastery over your sex drive instead of viewing yourself as someone who is being deprived of pleasure? Are you simply fueling your "high sex drive" by entertaining conscious thoughts of what you feel you are missing? It's just an idea but, given your circumstances, it might be easier for both of you.
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