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Tue 5 Mar, 2024 11:35 am
Okay so there’s going to be a lot to unpack here.
I have been dating this girl for 4+ years. We started dating in high school, and are now 21 and 22.
We both live with our parents. She’s in school and I work. Both coming from religious upbringings, and looking at finances, it really was no question that we would stay living with our parents until the time to marry and move in.
She’s got 2 more years for her dual masters degree. Her dad was a war veteran, and her entire college is paid for with a GI bill. She unfortunately can’t get married however, or she will lose this bill and have to pay for school out of pocket. I agreed to wait for her to get married back in 2020. She started out telling me she has 3 years to complete an accelerated bachelors, but every year she has added on more schooling and moved her graduation date to later. Now she is scheduled for spring of ’26. She has done all this with no council to me. No asking if I’d wait longer, seeing if it was ok for me to wait, etc. I thought at this point we would be married and living out of state together.
We are at the point where people refer to us as married or engaged. Her mom tells people I am her son in law. The assumption from everyone, including her, is that we will just get married when the time comes because we’ve been together so long. It’s important to note that this pressure has basically just formed the way we talk too. “When we get married”, and “I can’t wait to get married” are common phrases for us. My parents, family, extended family, etc. all think we will just get married
When I started dating her I noticed how shallow her parents were. They are literally incapable of having conversations deeper than the weather or maybe politics. I have NEVER talked with her parents about marriage (they just make the assuming comments). I don’t know them at all. Her extended family is not present in her life at all. My family is large and very connected, I have deep relationships with all grandparents, aunt uncles, etc.
My girlfriend obviously hasn’t had the best role models for deep conversation, but it is literally impossible to have future conversations with her. It’s always “we’ll see when we get there”. I ask her how she plans on all this going down… she gets a 6 year masters degree, works a year or two, then we have kids (we both want) and she takes the next decade or two off?? Whenever I attempt to have these conversations, in an incredibly compassionate, non confrontational way, it ends with a sobbing fit from her, and me apologizing for even bringing it up. Most of her answers are “I don’t know”. I ask her things about goals, travel, future plans, vision for our family, etc., and I ALWAYS just get “I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it”.
I just feel like I want more. I HATE living at home and living in the state we do. I would have moved out and away from home years ago if it wasn’t for waiting for her. But she just expects me to stay here? I have tried to have this conversation and its either met by shutting down crying, or saying “it is what it is, and we’ll just figure it out when the time comes”, or when she gets emotional, it’s “well if you really want to move just do it and we’ll be long distance”.
I just can’t help feeling that there’s more to this. I want to travel the world. I want to move. I want to be able to live life with my wife and be able to have deep meaningful conversation. All my girlfriend does is school and work. When I do see her, it’s always for a meal and to watch some TV. She is SO habitual, and I have to be the one that we suggest doing anything else or go on any dates. I like to mix things up, but she’s scared to. I try and plan day trips and she’s “too busy”. She even gives me the same thing every holiday/birthday (a tshirt/hoodie, some soap/cologne, and some misc treats). She says the same things, asks the same questions, and even eats the same things.
Whenever I bring up ANY issues in our relationship, she shuts down crying, and becomes self condemning to get pity “im sorry im such a mess, im sorry I don’t fulfill you, its all my fault, etc.). I honestly worry about even having to break things off with her. She has had mental health struggles and I worry about her becoming self destructive. She doesn’t have a support system (friends or family) aside from me. She has revolved her life around me and school.
It wasn’t my intention to make this a complaining post, I just have a lot on my mind. There’s obviously been lot’s of good in our relationship but I feel like we aren’t even on the same level of comprehension and understanding. I don’t feel like she knows me, or even is capable of knowing me. She is all I really have too. I don't have many deep friendships.
When do you know? When is it worth fighting to hold on to? When do you pull the plug? I feel so lost
@nolongerbound,
I thought you had an addiction?
Any way, say you do want to stay together with her, I would suggest couples counseling so you two can work out your differences.
But it sounds to me like you want permission to break up with her, you don't need permission. Or if you are just questioning, tell her you need a break to sort out your feelings. Also you do not need to marry someone simply because you have been together since you were a certain age. Better to split up now rather than after you get married and have kids.
@RPhalange,
It doesn't sound as if she's a good match for you. All the things you mentioned (plus others you haven't but I can imagine) are rightly raising a red flag. She is not what you need. It's really critical when you're making a life-long decision (career, marriage, kids) that you do what is best for YOU.
This is YOUR life; she has hers. You will both be just fine going separate ways.
@Mame,
Thank you for your honesty. What part is a red flag in your opinion? I appreciate the reply.
@nolongerbound,
Okay, for starters: not consulting you on her school plans, which keep getting extended; breaking down, sobbing, having a pity party whenever you try to have a going-forward discussion (very juvenile and head-in-the-sand); not being able to have a decent conversation due to her shallowness (or whatever) - this is disturbing because it's the way we communicate!; procrastination and no clear goals.
She's very immature. If she intends to be stay with you, she should be willing to discuss her and your plans, have some kind of goals (be married by x, have a home by x), and not act like a little girl.
I think you two need some time apart. Go and experience some mature females, if only as friends, to see what you'll be stuck with.
Can you imagine her in an emergency? "Oh, it'll all be okay, I'm sure." Meanwhile, there's a serious gas leak.
You are not stuck with her. Tell her you need time to think, reflect, etc., and get out of there. With your other post, you don't write a pretty picture. This is your life and you owe it to yourself to enjoy it 100%. Go do what you need to do... she's still got 2 years of schooling ahead of her (at least)... you need to make a life for yourself.
That's what I'd tell my kids, anyway.
It continues to sadden me how so many folks these days have had it drummed into their heads that they only have one love in life and if they think they've found it in high school, then it's game over, time to settle down, yadda yadda yadda.
Good lord, your brain isn't mature until you're maybe 25 or so. You have no idea who or what will make you truly happy for decades.
Like Mame said (hi, Mame!) get some time apart and see other people. Your girlfriend is overwhelmed by all the choices you're throwing at her (frankly, they would stress me out, too, and I'm 4 decades older than you two are).
You want someone who will enthusiastically answer, "Yes!" when you ask them to marry you, not relent due to internal and external pressures.
Let her finish school as she chooses and see other people during then. She can, too, if she wants to (and she may be already, by the way - don't be shocked).
You will probably find that this is not going to happen, and you are better off apart.
See. Other. People.
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