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Wed 24 Aug, 2005 01:49 pm
I am a 34 year old mom of two and been married for almost 11 years. My husband and I seem to follow a pattern (more like a roller coaster ride) of being close and then distant. We love each other very much but have separated 3 times during our marriage (for this same reason), the last separation was for a year. I notice that when we are together I start to feel very insecure. I become very self-conscience of everything I do, every move I make. I feel like Iamb doing a bad dance. My husband is not the kind to say "I love you" or "you look nice today/tonight" or compliment me personally. I feel he is unattracted to me and the longer this goes on, the uglier I feel inside and out. I hate to say (type) this but I feel staved for attention. I am not a needy person just want to be noticed. I want this marriage to work but feel desperate for purpose. I know this is my problem not his but isn't it normal (for lack of a better word) to want to be reassured occasionally that well...he likes me. By the way, when we were separated I felt secure with myself. Not like an ogre with two left legs. Should I bring this up to him or just work on myself?
Hello SWhite and welcome to a2k
How are you going to work this out by yourself when it is your
husband who neglects you? You need to talk to him
and tell him what's bothering you. Communication is essential in any relationship, and especially if one of the
partners feels inadequate and unappreciated.
Joint counseling may do wonders for both of you too.
Thanks CalamityJane for your response. I mentioned counseling to him and he got mad, saying that nothing is wrong with the relationship. And because of our rocky past, I haven't wanted to rock-the-boat. I think he thinks that it's my problem and I am just depressed. How do I ask for someone to pay attention to me, it sounds so needy?
You are NORMAL. There's nothing wrong or "needy" about you. To build a successful relationship, both partners should have their most important emotional needs fullfilled. Otherwise, you feel neglected and the relationship suffers and may end up being broken beyond repair. I think you would benefit from the articles on this site:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
Start with the "basic concepts" here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
You can learn about emotional needs here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
The most important emotional needs:
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration
See Admiration:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html
Quote:
Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way . . .
Appreciation is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've just made somebody's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.
Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. . . .
Hi SWhite, welcome to A2K. I may not have great advice, but I'll try.
I have to guess your husband was NOT, in the past, complimentary to you. It's difficult sometimes for people to say kind things, because they feel it's a sort of, oh, a sign of weakness.
Would he be willing to learn to do this for your sake? After all, only a few words, only a few seconds, would probably help you a lot.... like, "You look nice," or "That's really funny," or whatever.
Since this is so darned easy to do, he must have some emotional/psychological Reason for not doing it. He also probably doesn't realize how important it is to you, and to anyone in an intimate relationship. You can tell him it would help you a lot if he could manage to say little things like this.
You can also try to read him by watching his body language. He may be trying to tell you you're attractive or he loves you without words. Keep in mind this is a weakness of his, not yours. It would be very accomodating of you to try this for his sake.
It is not unreasonable for you to want these things. It's perfectly natural and expected.
I had a boss once who was really quite nasty. I knew he knew I did a great job, but I would have been SO GRATEFUL if he'd just once said, "Good Job." He never did, and I didn't work there for long.
Check out Debra_Law's site, it may help! I've been helped a lot by a book called "Fighting For Your Marriage," by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg. If he refuses to go through it with you, you can always read it yourself; it'll probably help. It may be available at your local library (or maybe they can order it for you). Also ebay's half.com has reasonable prices on used books.
Best wishes and future happiness to you. Please let us know how you're doing, OK?
Thank you Debra_Law and BorisKitten for your responses. I sure don't feel like the fruitcake I did when I woke up this morning. My husband is a gentle man and I can talk to him. Now I just won't question if I'm being needy or normal when doing so. Again, thanks!
SWhite, your husband may be sensing what you are thinking and feeling about yourself. Please notice that he returns to you when you begin to feel more confident when he's away. Obviously he cares for you or he wouldn't return.
I can only suggest that you concentrate on yourself for awhile and stop worrying about what you think he thinks you are. Look into the mirror, he married YOU. Counseling would help with self-esteem. Whatever HE is, he chose you.
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