i'm chronically suicidal and am to die with sodium nitrite

Before you do anything call 988.

You are reaching out for a reason, please make the call.

I have. over the past seven years.
Did everything you're about to inevitable say to me as par typical.

I talk the ear off my therapists (still current) and that "hotline" number.
I'm still suicidal. Oh? Shocker? You thought it some magical Megalixir to cure what my doctors realized tis never going away? Suicidal and wanting to die.
Do you know how long it took my doctors to realize this, and take me off the high medication dose (because high overdose risk)?
5 years.
My longest psych ward was 3 years. 3 years later,
I'm still just as suicidal, even worse pain now, because of the abuse from that ward.
I've had therapists drop me left and right over the years. These two are from psych ward discharges, you, not by will. Because here, autonomy doesn't exist, not that it matters suicide comes regardless. I am so glad I found Sodium Nitrite, a method that genuinely works and is not messy and super painful.

Now that's done what you've suggested (as always).
Now what?
Rinse repeat?
Why not? What's a little extra pain on top of agony.

I'm not reaching out. I wanted my voice to be heard in my right to die for once before I go. I already have it.

You picked a really random, esoteric, relatively quiet neck of the internet to proclaim your personal swan song.

If a suicide falls in the woods, does he make a sound when he falls?

You are reaching out, intentionally or not. Pick up the phone and call 911 or any other emergency number you have. Do it now.

Why 7 years? What happened 7 years ago?

What type of therapist do you see? A generic talk therapist who just does generic CBT? Do you see one who specializes in trauma?

Saying a therapist is like saying you have a teacher. Not to be mean but there are unhelpful therapist and modality. You need to find the right fit. If you had a lot of trauma in your past you really want to find one who you click with that is all about trauma.

If it's trauma related find one who does Brain Spotting (BSP) or who does EMDR.

In my experience the drugs just pause everything. They give you meds which eventually stop the sadness. However they also stop the joy. I felt okay.....all the time. I never was really happy and I never was really sad. I was just okay. That's after the drug cocktail made me extremally suicidal when I was only depressed to begin with.

I now found that 5HTP works for me in a pick and I'm off all other meds. Working out REALLY helped my overall mood along with seeing a trauma informed therapist. The therapist actually does TFCBT along with other things mixed in and really helps challenge my negative self talk. The negative self talk is what screws you over everytime IMO.

Staying isolated online will NOT help your negative thoughts you need to get in public. I don't care where even a Walmart will work. You need to find an excuse to be around others.

Go to the ER and let them either pump your stomach or whatever first to stop this.

Then find a new therapist and see what your options are for meds. If you can incorporate something physical in your routine it would help release feel good hormones naturally. Get a blood test to check your vitamin D level. Low D can cause depressed mood.

Lastly volunteer at an animal shelter. You get to spend time with animals who also usually have a troubled past and don't care what you look like or your status. Plus if you walk dogs you get in a bit of cardio and get vitamin D and make a depressed dogs day!

Think about who you leave behind......they will blame themselves for not preventing this. You probably feel like no one cares but I assure you someone does. I had two coworkers who ended it and that messed me up more than I realized at the time.

It's not you just ending your pain..... it's you preventing yourself from seeing if things get better and causing someone else pain.

If you can't live to see next year, live to see next week, if you can't wait then live to see tomorrow, if not live to see what happens an hour from now once you get into public.

You've tried a few options and they didn't work......that really sucks. Looks like it's time for a new approach. New team, new strategies, new perspectives.

I don't know you but I didn't just spend time replying because I don't care. If you don't want to live for you then don't. Live for someone or something else. Volunteer can really be something selfless you do that really makes you feel good inside and want to keep going. You don't need to help at a shelter but if you love animals those animals would REALLY love to have you with them. They don't judge you and just want to hangout with you.

First you need to get that **** out of you. This will pass with hard work and the right tools but only if you don't bail early and F up someone close to you in the process.