Is There a Pill For This??

Re: Is There a Pill For This??


There isn't anything wrong with you physically because you are able to flirt no problem. I commend you on wanting to make your marriage work but you can't force yourself to feel something you don't. Try doing romantic things and see if that sparks anything. If not, then you might want to think about seperating so that you can both find someone to be crazy happy with. Go on a date to the place you went on your first date and remember it. Hold hands. Kiss for at least 15 seconds every day. Leave each other love notes around the house, in a briefcase, in a lunch. Don't leave each other with out a big hug and kiss and "I love you". Buy massage oils and give each other a sensual massage. Rent a dirty movie and watch it together to get your sparks going and then act out some of the scenes.

There are a thousand things to do. Just use your imagination. But if it doesn't happen....it doesn't happen.

You just need a shiny new red car. vrooom vrooom.

Drifting

I have a similar situation so I can totally sympathize with you. You should pat yourself on the back a little bit. You have given real thought to this and want to do the right thing as much as you can. Some guys would have left, or acted angry or even blamed their spouse. At least you have a thoughtful and realistic view. That is something!

In my case I thought I was falling in love when we married, but the spark blew out but we're still together after 20 years. I LOVE him, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. If there were a pill for falling in love... WOW! I would take it. There is nothing like that feeling - if you have experienced it you know. (I'm still really in love with a guy I knew when I was 13! I haven't really been in love with anyone else. But I lost him long ago and he is happily married. Anyway...)

If I were you, I'd try some more or less scientific approaches. There are emotions and states of being which can enhance the feelings of attraction. For instance, having an adventure together - especially being a little scared (but still safe) - say, try white water rafting or something like that. They say the thrill translates into attraction to the person you are experiencing it with. A change of scenery type adventure is another. You are then kind of thown together with the other person - the two of you in a strange place together can stimulate attraction also. Now I can't talk about sex too graphically, but that is another area where trying something different can help start that spark. Not necessary wild, just different. A good example is just fooling around a little bit, a massage is good because you might find new places that are pleasurable. Actually having sex is not the object! Put that off for a while (days, weeks, whatever) to take the pressure off.

I would also really like to assure you, no matter how things turn out, the two of you have been through a lot together and those bonds are for real. And, as you try to have more fun together, in the end, it is your caring for each other during this hard time that you'll look back on and appreciate.

Another thing that can't be ignored is to LAUGH. Whatever makes you laugh - do something stupid and fun - a great comedy show or movie is the obvious - but try some silly "sport" like a trampoline, maybe going horseback riding, how about skinny-dipping? It can be with friends or a group - go to New York and see a show - anything to bring a fresh sense of fun.

Now, I know inside you will still feel a bit sad, or anxious, or like "this is not working." That's OK.

I would recommend a good marriage therapist or even sex councelor, but, I'd try the home-grown stuff first. Professional help CAN be a life-saver, but you can get poor care just as well.

I know you are feeling a little desparate. I do too at times. Like my life is running out and I'm so unhappy... sometimes I can't believe I'm married! It seems almost unfair I can't just go out and date! But, no, I tell you, no matter what the outcome, it is worth the time to try some things to improve your relationship. If you don't stay together you will have learned a lot anyway. If you find new interest in each other, that could be really beautiful.

I don't know about the other replies. You can do things like leave loving notes around, but the point is not to just APPEAR to love each other, but to really have those emotions. If you don't feel it, don't do it. You're at one of those stages in life that seem awful, yet you're probably at the brink of something important - whether it's self-discovery or forging a new kind of relationship with your wife which could be fulfilling in ways you can't predict. In other words, keep it real. And the shiny new car? Only you can decide how that feels. Does that feel real? Remember, you don't have anything to prove to anybody. Isn't the REAL thrill in life to love and be loved?

Thanks!
It is so nice to know the world is full of people that would take their time to answer some middle aged guy in chicago who is having a marriage crisis. All 3 pieces of advice have great value to me, yes, even the shiny red car, although 2 kids in college are eating up my cash for car payments. I will read these again and again, and try to put together a plan for reawakening or creating some feelings that have not been present for a long time between us.
Thanks especially to you Doomed for those pearls of Wisdom. If I cant work it out, I will come back flirting with you!

Bill

Good luck and best wishes.

"We're all in this together" as they say. Here are two articles that are kind of interesting dealing with love and chemistry:

"I Get a Kick Out of You"
http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/love-science.html

"The Physics and Chemistry of Love"
http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/3-27-2004-52238.asp

Hope things work out for you.

Great Articles-Thank you Doomed
Very interesting. But even if I was pumped up with injections of these two substances, it doesnt mean that my affections would be focused on my wife. In all probability, I would fall for someone who I have a mild interest in today.Getting me turned on and interested in my wife is the hard part when the feelings arent happening at any level today.

Yes, I will let you know how it works out, thank you. And if there is anything going on in your life that you would like a guys perspective on, please feel free to ask here or at [email protected].

Thanks!

Bill

I am so sorry for u people, I am crazily in love. Even when we go to Movie, I turn my head to him every ten minute or so to touch him or to kiss him, the same with him. It is definetely a GREAT feeling to be in love with the one who is next to u and see the same thing in his eyes.
I think, u might stay together and not divorce, but u will not love her anyways. I am sorry to say that

Help for this yes, pill for this?? Haven't heard of one.YET
Welcome to our clan Sir Drifting. You've found a wonderful place
to talk, to discuss just about anything AND everything. Wonderful
people to share with. People with knowledge, experience, wit,
humor, compassion, and whatever you need you can find here.
Now isn't that ALMOST as good as a pill? "I understand" just
doesn't do it, does it? **Try this on for size. Marriage,
like ANY long term committed, serious, permanent relationship
is WORK. Love is WORK. And yes, sex is WORK. How in Heaven's
name did those marriages arranged by one's family or by
matchmakers EVER work? What about mail order brides? I
speak from my humble 18 little years experience in the same relationship.
At times; I have been absolutely 100% certain
that ALL of my sexual feelings are totally gone, dead as a
doornail, never to be resurrected. But like Lazarus, miracles
CAN & DO happen. I believe a GREAT marriage is something
that anyone COULD have. I do. WITH WORK!!! However...
EVERYTHING and I do mean everything, depends upon
perception. On OUR perception. The more we see( concentrate
on) their shortcomings, more shortcomings do I see and
every one of my GOOD feelings goes
down the drain. These negative feelings increase until I
believe that I have the worst partner & spouse imagineable.
That passion, lust, and hot sex that is the hallmark of early
relationship... is just that. It's precisely because you DON'T
know them that you can have that great, hot sex. You aren't
really seeing who you're with. You're seeing an illusion. Chasing
that oasis in a desert. With your imagination so charged up, it
may take a few years for the truth to get thru that thick skull,
hit you like a boulder, leaving you in mourning for the love of
your life, that image of perfection, that person who never existed
except within the confines of your imagination. So terribly sad.
What usually happens? Most people seem to try another NEW
ONE... it seems to last for awhile at least. After 5 or 6 "new ones"
though, even a fool sees a pattern emerging from the fog.
Suddenly you SEE who you're with for the first time. Just another
human being, like you. With all of the same human frailties that
we all have. HERE IS WHAT I SEE. I see in you a deep longing
to go back to the way things used to be before, instead of a longing
SEE IN YOU A DEEP LONGING TO GO BACK TO THE WAY
THINGS USED TO BE BEFORE INSTEAD OF A LONGING TO
VENTURE OUT INTO THE UNKNOWN FUTURE. With the input
of all the years of this "relationship" are you telling me that
you can't talk about all this with your wife? WOW You are
also in the prime age range for a male mid life crisis. I CAN
promise you this!! IF you find the courage to stick it out,
see it through, let your partner in on ALL of your little secrets,
now that the kids are going, going gone; a wonderful
experience now that you have more PRIVACY, more space
is for each of you to fix up your own private space, your
separate bedrooms. This might SOUND like it is heading for
trouble, but it couldn't be more wrong. The point is not to sleep
alone. The point is for each of you to set up your OWN LITTLE
SPACE exactly the way you like it and then invite your partner
to join you in your room, or let her invite you to come to her.
TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WITH HER. GOOD LORD, YOU HAVE
KNOWN HER FOR SO LONG, DOESN'T SHE DESERVE A LITTLE
TRUST?? Get some new reading material about great sex, and
talk about it together. Surely there are still some pleasant
surprises awaiting;some things you've been afraid to ask your
wife about doing. No time like the present. I will say this to
you in 100% sincerity. Our sex life may be less in terms of
quantity; but this is something that is 100 times MORE than
made up for in QUALITY. We've found courage to ask each
other for things we'd been too scared or ashamed to ask for in
the past. And found parts of our bodies that we never dreamed
were so exquisitely sexually erotic and sensitive before. No sir,
I would NEVER want the old sex life back again.
Our new sex life is just TOO GOOD. In years past I never had
an orgasm and suddenly started crying like a baby, or laughing
hilariously till my sides ache and don't even know why. We have
a little joke about all the noise we make; we think that nowadays
"we are going to INSPIRE all of our neighbors." Why now? As
the level of trust INCREASES, the level of freedom does too.
You can make a few tiny little changes that start the ball rolling.
Give it a shot. Just don't quit before the miracle happens.

This screams midlife crisis to me.

I cannot tell you what the solution to aging is, but I can assure you that it is NOT having an affair with a younger woman (should you ever feel tempted)

Re: Is There a Pill For This??


Ditto!