Partners and friends

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Hello!
I would like to ask if it is necessary for someone to meet their bestie's partner?
I have had a friend, we used to spend a lot of time together, we talked about our secrets, we had lots in common. About 6 years ago he had a boyfriend. I supported him, I made friends with his partner, we spent a lot of time together. However, I felt very pressed because I did not have a lo in common with his boyfriend, I did not enjoy his company ...but I couldn't say anything to my friend because he was in love and I was afraid that he would be mad and get away from me. As the time passed by, things got worse, I started to have stomach aches and panic attacks which led me to a psychotherapist who advised me to talk to my friend and tell him that I do not want to spend time with them. I could not do that to hurt my friend so I preferred a middle solution.. I told him that his boyfriend is very nice but I do not have lots in common so I do not enjoy all the times with them, so I suggested that we should soend time together, go on trips etc but not all the time, because we did everything the three of us. My friend got really mad and disappeared for almost three years. He did not approach me even when I got seriously ill but he returned when he broke up. We started our friendship again but I promised to myself that if he has a new relationship I will not get to know him because I do not want to pass the same thing.
We spent about 3 years as good friends and six months ago he met a guy and fell in love with him. I told him that I do not want to meet him explaining why and from that time on, he is ok with me at work, etc but he never asked me to go out with him, he started going out with other people, he stopped talking to me about serious things etc, he is distant... I tried to talk to him but in vain.. I feel sad but at the same time I feel tired to do anything... I feel that he uses me when he does not have a relationship and deep inside I do not want to be friends with him... at the same time I miss him a lot but I cannot pass through the same situation if I meet his boyfriend and I will not like him.. by some things he has said to me about him, I do not like some traits of him and I am afraid...
so, I wonder.... why isn't ok for someone to combine friends and partner successfully without being friends all together?

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@Maritta,

Er, you do realize you judged the second boyfriend, sight unseen, based solely on your impressions of the first?

That's unfair and I imagine your friend thinks so as well. I mean, would you like to be judged on the basis of your paramour's ex, who you never met and know nothing about?

This was a bad move on your part, and I bet your friend feels rejected by you and just doesn't want to deal with his current love being essentially picked apart (even if you never say anything beyond what you mentioned here - the implication is all too real).

You don't have to be super pals with your friend's loves. But you should be tolerant. You should also try to carve out some time just to see your friend, but recognize that time will be precious and rare.

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@Maritta,

Well, that sounds like a mess............I have no idea how to help.

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@jespah,

I agree. Furthermore, she wrote "...deep inside I do not want to be friends with him..." - what's up with that?

1 Reply

@jespah,

You are right. However, what do you think is better... to meet him and if I do not like him I will tell my friend and he will disappear again or not meet him but support my friend, be near and listen to him without any fear.
Also, he feels rejected... I do not want this but how did I feel and feel now when my friend disappears every time he has a relayiondhip and cones back when he breaks up? I don't want to show that I am right and he is wrong, but I feel hurt and maybe, I don't know I cannot think clearly..
Thank.you!

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@Mame,

Hello! I mean that I feel rejected and hurt because of his behavior, I mean that he disappeared in the past and came back when he broke up and also that he dies not want to talk...every time I tell him to talk and solve everything he says that he does not like discussions. Also he tries to find new friends...when he met his boyftiend, we were on shirt holidaysin my birthplace and he left me alone telling me at the last moment that he has arranged something with the guy he met on an app...his behavior has made me think if he wants to save our friendship...

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@Maritta,

Maritta wrote:

… I don't want to show that I am right and he is wrong...

That's because you can't. You're in the wrong.

Yep, he disappears when he has a boyfriend. You know this and need to get used to it. Lots of people do this. Sorry if it doesn't feel fair. That's life in the big city.

As for your "fear" and your saying "if I do not like him" - well, you've already judged the guy without even so much as seeing him.

You are going into this with the expectation that you aren't going to like the new boyfriend. Essentially, you are setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy for yourself. You find some fault or another, say you don't like him, and voila! You predicted it.

Except you're putting your thumb on the scale.

How about contacting your friend, saying you'd love to meet his boyfriend, let's have coffee, my treat.

And then see how it goes. I bet your friend would at least consider talking to you again.

But you won't know if all you do is hem and haw and find reasons not to meet this guy.

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@jespah,

I totally agree with you, but unfortunately I can't do this... I just read your suggestion and I got scared... I know that if I do not like him my friend will disappear .. of course there are lots of possibilities that I will love him, but I cannot take the risk... I am afraid...
Also, let me tell you that I have not judged him already and taken the "verdict" that he is not a nice guy... I believe that he is nice and I am happy that my friend is happy, but that does not mean that we will fit... we may fit, we may not...I cannot take the risk because I am not strong enough to overcome ANOTHER period of grief...
Please, tell me... why is not possible to be with his love of his life and have his friends with him at the same time... why should we all be a company?
Some years ago, the same friend of mine did not like a very good and close friend I have, she is like a sister to me... Well, I did not make him be friends with her... it's been about two years now that I meet my friend without him and we are all happy...

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@Maritta,

Maritta wrote:

Please, tell me... why is not possible to be with his love of his life and have his friends with him at the same time... why should we all be a company?

That's a very good question. Why not ask him?

1 Reply

@Mame,

Unfortunately he does not talk... every time he faces a problem with anybody, he refuses to discuss, he draws conclusions and he puts it aside... it was solved!!!!!!!

1 Reply

@Maritta,

The original problem was that he felt judged. It might be that he still feels judged but he is the only one that can help with that part.
Strangers on the Internet can’t provide you answers like this.

These scenarios as you describe them seem to spell out a no-win situation. If he can’t discuss the problem at all, it makes continuing a friendship nearly impossible. Either you’re faced with accepting things as they are and having a less close relationship (not besties), or parting company and going separate ways.

Sometimes maturing is a bit painful and you can’t have things as they were in the past.

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@Ragman,

Thanks! You are right!
I tried once more, he does not talk, so I let things be as the time will show... friends or not? We will see... this means pain, but maturity as you said....

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