@Apothecary,
The thing is...
When you tease the implied insult has to be indirect. It has to be implied. What I mean by indirect is that you can't go around and say "you're stupid", that's being insulting not playfully teasing. You have to be creative, to imply the conclusion in one way or another, like "I just got this job!", "are they that desperate?".
You tease them about something bad about them, and downplay them, make them less important than they really are or less skilled than they really are, but without personal or direct attacks.
Teasing is essentially a playful way of saying "you're doing bad" without really meaning it and only do it with people you can afford teasing with.
Bantering and teasing are usually used interchangebly, however...
Bantering on the other hand, is just teasing with a 2-way street. Having back & fourth pride exchange on the road. The regular teasing. While also making it clear you're cool with it.
You are both trying to get the upper hand on each other, trying to "prove" that you are doing better and the other person worse. It's a friendly competition, like two baby lions fighting.
Making scare jokes can be a form of teasing. Teasing can also imply pushing some boundaries: "you can stop [doing something inconvenient] now, it's okay", "but you didn't stay for [something else]", so you push some boundaries, but you have to make sure the other person is cool with it based on their tone and general attitude. If they laugh when saying "you can stop [doing something inconvenient] now, it's okay" it means they are going with the joke, if they are serious do actually stop. Most of communication is non-verbal, so be aware of the socal clues.
You can also tease by exaggerating various things about them or the enviroment. If something is bad, make it even worse than it is. For example, if they are very cold you can say: "we are here in Siberia, there is no show yet but it's very cold, as you can see [pointing out to her being cold], keep freeing, we are going to equip ourselves for this very cold weather [gives her your jacket]". And if she says "goodbye" or "leave me alone" but laughs, keep doing it, you push some boundaries and show defiance but it's actually in good spirit because she laughs. As I said, most of communication is non-verbal.
Or another example of making things worse than they are, if it's raining outside and they are very wet, you can say "how are you doing [her name], do you want to come here again?" and now she could banter by teasing you back "no, not with you" and you can reply "but it's my fault that it started raining?". And then be like "go, go, go". Just say what you think and see what it comes to mind. If you have an opinion about something, say what it comes to mind, as restricting yourself too much might actually be the reason why you can't pull it off and are closed up in yourself.
The most funny thing is the narrative. How is said and what is said, rather than the most devastating insult possible, it's teasing not a roast. That's why things like when it's raining outside and she's cold asking her "how are you doing [her name], do you want to come here again?/do you like it here?" can be so funny, you're not saying anything too offensive or insulting, you're poking fun at her for being cold.
It's about building a frame, because it's funny, not stating it outright but letting the conclusion be formed, the conclusion in that case being that you're poking fun at her for being too cold, but you don't outright say "haha, haha, you're too cold" but imply it with other words. Teasing is basically playing with them.
You can also tease them by challenging them. Like literally challenging them to a game to decide which person is going to do or not do a certain thing you don't want. Or by pretending to give them something then slowly pull it off away. There is a bit of defiance in these games.
I can't tell for sure, but I think teasing works best with a mindset. And I think the mindset for it is don't be serious, a light feeling of superiority, a willingness to make fun of them and contradict them, to disqualify them, to be honest whether something was amazing or lame, and the desire to be caring, to be attentive.
Like: even if I have this great sense of independence, I'm still very attentive towards you. But you are not above making fun of them and disqualify them in various aspects, but not aspects they could be insecure about. And remember that most of communication is non-verbal. It's all good natured, good spirits, that how affective teasing is supposed to be.
How can you make sure that you don't disqualify or downplay them in aspects they care about? By following the rules above that I originally listed.
So what is funny? ...
Funny are just things that are out of the ordinary, that are weird. This is why they are funny, because they are out of the ordinary, they are weird, they are not in conformity with the norm.
When you tell a funny story, it's funny because it's so weird, it doesn't happen very often. If it would, it probably wouldn't have been as funny. Imagine if people would fall on banans everyday, it would just be common, it wouldn't have been as funny. But when it happens, boy that's so funny. And it's mainly non-harmful, which is another reason why its funny. If we are talking about falling on the stairs or having a car accident, it's not funny for the sole reason that people might be hurt. They are still weird, out of the ordinary, don't happen very often, but people get hurt.
Implying bad intent can also be funny. Let's say a church car almost hits you, you can say "you ran out of clients and didn't know how to make more?", implying that they tried to hit you because they wanted a funeral. This is a bit dark, so not everyone will be on board, but again, this is (hopefully) clearly not his intention, he didn't mean to almost hit you. But .... you are implying his bad intention of hitting you to make money out of you.
Of course, that one could actually hurt the feelings of the person who almost hit you, so don't do that, because he was trying to avoid you at least. It's kind of jerkish, even if it was his fault. Not to mention, it's easy to think of this theoretically in your head, but in that moment, it's probably the last thing you will think about. But the general idea behind it is: It's sarcasm, you cleary don't mean that, it's clearly not meant to be taken that way but as a joke. And if he would have really hit you, it wouldn't have been funny because people would get hurt.
You can do this for a lot of things, imply bad intentions in people. Imply that they have bad motives, that they don't mean well, and it can lead to some funny phrases out there. Implying selfishness or taking advantage of people, etc. Like: *someone says something good about themselves, "I don't know what to say..." (with a suspicious tone).
Or you can turn this around and be you the one with bad intentions. This is equally funny and less risky of being offensive. Like: "Are you going out? finally! it will be so much quieter in here!" or "why are you leaving? ; this is why [points out to him]". But again, you also have to be careful with this, since they can again come across as offensive. So be careful with this, to avoid misinterpretation, sort of, it may not be good, because when it's bad it can be really bad, the non-verbal communication I was talking about, reading the person's intent, and it shouldn't come out of nowhere, the joke I mean. There either has to be a great deal of trust between you, to make it clear this is not the case, i.e. clearly false clause from above. To have a reputation for a joker, so that it's more likely that you're kidding than not. And eventually, to make sure, you can just say it "I'm kidding". You can "break the joke" and definetly say something for your jokes overall like: "Did it bother you when I (...)?; okay, just making sure, then I'll keep going" or "I am kidding, if anything is bothering you, please tell me and I'll stop". Just to be clear that you are both on the same page, you both can take the joke and none of you is secretly offended. There is a lot to think about there.
You trademark how cool you are. Even in self-depricating humor. You don't become a clown that everyone makes fun of. The point of humor, beside being amused and have a good time, is to raise yourself in the eyes of other people. It's okay to be a goodball. But I'm saying this because you don't use humor to become the clown / target that everyone hits with pies on, if anything, you can use humor to fight back from that.
I'm saying this because sometimes you can make fun of yourself in such a way, such a long and consntat way, that everyone will just go along with it. Including yourself. But deep down you won't like it. Just fight back or be honsest about how you feel. So use it amused and have a good time, is to raise yourself in the eyes of other people, including self-depricating humor.
Also, don't be too rigid about others making fun of you. It's cool if other make fun of you, it's not cool if others make fun of you constantly and all the time. Or if they cross the line, going from offensive to more offensive and more offensive and more offensive. In that case, as I said, just fight back or be honest about how you feel. You can banter with hate, or you can banter with love and fun. It's the latter when the others' (the teased's) feelings are taken into account.
So yeah, take their feelings into account but also make fun of them. Just don't overdo it, as in constantly doing it all the time. Tease people, because it's funny, but don't overdo it, because it gets stressing.
Teasing is a bit of a "mean" behavior even if you're joking. So you need to balance out the mean behavior with some genuine moments of good, to:
(a) Make it even more clear that you're joking.
(b) Not be a constant tease, which can be annoying.
What are they insecure about? you have to know them a bit to figure that out. In rest, you can pretty much go for it. Make stereotypes, make assumptions, make comparisons; try to downplay them, etc.
Be witty. A lot of teasing is just being witty.
Somtimes, teasing is just non-serious talk, like "heeeeey!". Implying they did something bad but in a friendly brotherly way. I can't really put the tone into writing but imagine something like "Jhoooooon!" with a lower accent in the middle like "oh, John, you always do that". Basically implying "John, you're incompetent".
Or saying things like "you don't have tastes". Making each other look better or worse. A friendly competition about making each other look better or worse.
Or tease like "you're going to be bad". Like "you're going to be a bad father". Or "I wouldn't want to be your child". Or sarcastically say "wow, you're going to be an excellent father".
Teasing is basically poking fun at people but without crossing that line where you're being offensive. You downplay them, but you don't downplay them in all aspects, only some that are considered "allowable".
It's actually very easy to be with people as long as you are accepting of many behaviors. And seek to find the good in many.
You can even put salt on the wound. If someone teases someone else about something that implies they are uninteresting, such as "eh, you're just not worth listening to", you can say "ouch, he made you uninteresting", pointing out the obvious but adding salt on the wound in the process.
Being offened and bring insulted and being attacked are different things.
You got to figure out with each group of people where the limit is. Usually when you're in a new group of people, just observe the rest for what is acceptable to them. And "join the fun" once you are already familiar with each other, or if they "jump on you first". But, if you are the one who has to take the initiative, just remember that teasing is different for boys & girls, generally speaking.
Look at the points 12-16 from way up above for reference. In general, you can't just tell a girl "you're stupid" or even imply it. You have to be more delicate. Show a bit more circumspection in your behavior. There are things you just "can't afford". But, with boys, you can even outright directly say "you're stupid" like it's no big deal.
I guess this makes for a good summary, if it can be even called a summary.
ARE YOU BEING TEASED OR SARCASTIC RANTS:
I think the difference between teasing and insulting someone stands in the gravity of what you say, your tonality and the perceived relation between you two.
A lot of teasing is just sarcasm, sarcastically exposing or highlighting the perceived bad in them.
Sarcasm is when you may tell the truth but you also may not, we don't know, you are just joking.
You got to be willing to be 'attacking' a bit. You got to be willing to break some boundaries. Sometimes it can be good to step a boundary.
Attacking is a bit of a wrong word. You don't have to hurt their feelings or be attacking. You don't have to be offensive. Instead, you have to be more of the bragging or braggish "I'm better than you" type, but in an ironic way.
A shortcoming of their or something great for you:
The "you are doing bad" kind of thing - "don't worry about failing in life, you'll always find room to work as a janitor".
Or the "I'm genuinely making fun of you" - if someone is very cold, say: "we are here at the mountainside is Alaska, there is now show yet but it's very cold, as you can see (pointing out to them being cold)". Or making fun of them for looking ridiculous when holding a chair or something.
These 2 work great with emparthy combined.
- Or the ragging brash "I'm going to change myself/cool, where is your window?"
- Or breaking expectations - saying the unproper things for comedic effect. Doing the unproper. That can be fun and can be teasing. Saying the unproper. What is usually not said. Such as saying something slightly mean or implying bad intention in them. Saying about dogs that "they look like piggies" or if they are working at a morgue say about living people "look at all those future clients" implying that they are only going for their self-interest.
- Beside doing/saying unproper things yourself. Asking/forcing them to do/say unproper things/things that they don't want because it's socially acceptable and they are expected to be good in society. Like asking them nicely to do something you know that they don't want.
An appeal to manners. People are supposed to be nice and helpful, you can make fun of them by asking them nicely to do something they might otherwise not want to do. Especially when they are around relative strangers and they have to behave, they have to be polite, people are supposed to do stuff like that so they are supposed to do it to save face, even when otherwise they might not want it.
- Or even the give&take teasing trying to outsmart them, pretending to give them something, then turn it back.
- Somtimes, teasing is just making a statement like "heeeeey!". Implying they did something bad but in a friendly brotherly way. I can't really put the tone into writing but imagine something like "Jhoooooon!" (the context is: you're incompetent) with a lower accent in the middle like "oh, John, you always do that". Basically implying "John, you're incompetent".
- Or saying things like "you don't have tastes". Making each other look better or worse. A friendly competition about making each other look better or worse.
- Or tease like "you're going to be bad", as in you're going to be terrible at something. Like "you're going to be a bad father". Or "I wouldn't want to be your child". Or sarcastically say "wow, you're going to be an excellent father".
- Or adding of the premise into the question, like: there’s a world of difference between “I can see that your hair roots are obviously a different color than your hair.” and “Wow! I love your hair! But how on earth did you manage to dye just the roots and not the ends?”.
- Or the 4 short line old ones with an emphasis on being creative, "you look like Jodan Peterson" type.
As a rule of thumb, teasing has an emphasis on being creatieve, "you look like Jordan Peterson with a moustache" type:
- Start out small with very light, innocent teasing and see how they respond. Do they think it's funny? Try something small and see if you get a positive response before saying anything more bold.
- It's important to have a balance between the teasing. It can't be the only thing you do. More importantly, it doesn't work if you're the only one making fun of the other person in the relationship. The point is the other person getting back at you, it doesn't have to be right away, but just striving for some equality is important. If the person usually has a positive response but rarely takes the initiative to tease you, you can occasionally make fun of yourself instead to balance it a bit.
- A lot of humor in teasing is being creative instead of just making fun of the person. Make a specific joke! For example, instead of saying your friend sucks at some sport, make a comparison that something/someone that clearly can't play well would do a better job.
- Balance it by making up for the "mean" behavior by going out of your way to be friendly. Give genuine compliments, and try to have moments where you lift the other person up, instead of being just a "regular" friendly person. Give the person meaningful memories of you being nice as well. You don't have to do this constantly, but balance out your "good" and "bad" behavior.
Let's get them into more detail:
For the first one:
First you have to see the personality of a person, to see if they are the type that enjoy a good tease or not.
And you can't do it right away, you have to get to know them a bit, to get familiar a bit, to get close a bit, have a few interactions and a connection of trust, so that those jokes are considered safe.
But then, if you are also known as a joker and are extra expressive and objviously joking in your approach, you can skip this step, but not to the point of making fun of a person you've never met or just met.
Except when it's a scoially understodd scenario where such types of jokes are allowed. Like a stand-up club or dating texts on tinder and such.
If you don't know the person at all, you can still make jokes otherwise but not personal jokes, but jokes like "you'll have to pay, if you want to hear more from you explaining a certain thing to them, like in - you're doing them a favor but not really, as you request payment" and even then the tonality matters.
The attitude you have matters a lot in the way of saying it saying it, if you say it with a smile on your face it will likely be understood as a joke, and with a faster voice to imply faster tonality and sarcasm.
The joke as in coming across as a joke is just as important as the joke itself. If you say it with a blunt voice, a bit bored, and no expresivity and tonality on your face, don't be surprised if it's rightly interpreted as serious.
For the 2nd one:
No matter how good you are, teasing can't be the only thing you do.
Make these jokes but also, have moments where you show a lot of depth, that you're being human, that you're having an interaction where you are interested in getting to know them, that you are having sensitivity, that you talk about what is she into or what you have in common.
That's how you make an enjoyable discussion, a pleasant discussion.
And it can't be the only jokes you do, also make other types of jokes that essentially don't affect anyone.
And don't insist on them, make them once or twice and then stop, don't be a bully, it's fun at first but annoying to have these all the time.
And be playful, most important, be playful, in good spirits, when making them. With laugher and amusement, mutual laughter, not with hate and conviction, and consideration for their feelings and desire to make them laugh even if they are slightly dismissed at first like "hey!", that's what makes the difference between a good teaser and a troll or a bully.
The teaser is merely poking them, challenging them, saying something slightly bad about them in a funny and sarcastic way, that is bad but not terrible, like saying something about their hair, downplaying them, the troll or bully is insulting, saying something seriously bad in a blunt and direct way.
The teaser is a slight push or sting with a needle but also has a pillow underneath, creating a safe enviroment to not be offended through your words while still being made fun of, the troll or bully is a direct punch.
Like a woman almost tripping and saying "sorry, it happens to everyone", you can reply "does it happen to everyone? or just you?".
For the 3rd one:
You have to be creative and come up with weird ideas. The more specific the joke, the better. And the more ridiculous, also the better. And is has to have some truth in it. There has to be some seed of truth in it. But it also needs to take the other person's feelings into account.
It's indirect and has a seed of truth. That's what makes it cool. Not to mention it's attractive because it's a challenge, it's disagreement, which is cool. There is some truth in it, so your comment isn't entierly off the mark, it is relevant.
Teasing has to have a seed of truth for it to work. You usually exaggerate and misrepresent that truth, but at the end of the day there is some truth in it.
Such as if their ear is hurting "you sound a lot like Van Gogh" (implying that eventually that ear will fall off) or "you know who else had problems with the ear? Van Gogh".
It has to be ridiculous, and it has to be indirect. And it has to make fun of them.
Don't make fun of things that they will be upset / insecure about.
It can't just be a random content. It has to be relevant to their situation and make it slightly bad for them.
And as said above, good spirits. It has to be made with good spirits, with the intention to make fun of them, not with the intention to hurt. As I said about the "attacking" thing, you don't have to hurt their feelings or be attacking. You don't have to be offensive. Instead, you have to be more of the bragging or braggish "I'm better than you" type, but in an ironic way.
So, be funny, be amused, have a good delivery.
Specifc and ridculous and relevant to them and attitude (good delivery). As said in the 2nd part with the smile.
These are not the only kind of jokes, those are jokes by comparison. But there are other kinds of jokes, for example the one with "I'm going to change myself/cool, where is your window?" and the freezing thing with "we are here at the mountainside is Alaska, there is now show yet but it's very cold, as you can see (pointing out to them being cold)" and the give&take teasing trying to outsmart them, pretending to give them something, then turn it back. But these kinds of specific and relevant comparison jokes are a good rule of thumb.
In general: think of something bad about them, and extrapolate it or constantly mention it.
For the 4th one:
Don't be a joker 24/7, also have moments of human interaction, of good discussion, but do be a joker once in a while.
To connect with them, to approach with them, to have that warmth. This was already discussed in the 2nd part.
I find it useful to talk a bit more about being creative as in being indirect. Which is different from my "you look like" assertion but more similar to the advice on wording as in adding of the premise to the question "how did you manage to dye just the roots and not the ends?".
It certainly "stings", nobody wants to not have their ends dyed. But it's not offensive either. It's not like they insulted you by saying your ends are not dyed.
In teasing, there's no set in stone rule for a perfect tease, you have to be creative, and the best tease is usually indirect.
You don't outright call a person fat or ugly or unskilled or whatever, but you imply it with something else.
And teasing is usually circumstantial, you make things of the situation or things you have around you to make a good tease, or even make stereotypes or point out the obvious.
You can tease someone for having an immoral behavior, an out of order behavior, you can throw random comments like "I know you will lose" it's still a form of teasing.
Your, you can turn it the other way around and make a "good tease". Like, instead of "I know you will lose" say "You are already 3 steps ahead of us" with a sarcastic tone.
And, you can dispel one of their insecurities with teasing. If they are insecure about it, make fun of them for making a big deal about something so minor, like if someone things they have an ugly costume, you can be like "that's it? is this what I'm supposed to be shocked about? wow". You don't tease them about something bad about them, but instead tease them for feeling bad about something that's good about them.
At the end of the day, teasing only works because it contains the "read people" part:
Yes, you can "read" people. It's not about being emotional as it is about being a childish and playful person in general. Some people can be very emotional / stone cold yet very easily offended. The stone cold easily offended should be avoided at all costs. Other people can be very emotional / stone cold yet very in tune with the jokes and how humor works. You can look at them whether they have a more playful atttiude in general or are more serious.
Which is useful, because in general you should look at people and see their reactions.
"What is he like?", "What does he want?", "Is he interested?".
Some would say that sarcastic means to clearly mean the opposite of what you say. Not necessarily. Sarcastic just has to be something for the comedic effect, it doesn't necessarily have to mean that you mean the opposite of what you say like the "how did you manage to dye just the roots and not the ends?" or "I'm going to change myself/cool, where is your window?" thing.
It doesn't mean that you necessarly mean the opposite of what you say, just that you are not serious, you are joking. Or are you? that's the cool thing about sarcasm, you could be serious, you could be not. You might just tell the truth as a joke. They don't know. But don't do that. Also, sarcasm can be touchy, but not extra hurtful, just like sarcasm and as I talked about above in the "attacking" parts, the point is not to hurt their feelings but to mutually laugh.
IS TEASING A FORM OF DOMIANCE?
Is teasing a form of dominance?
And the reason teasing is "sexy" is because it asserts dominance of a man over a woman which consciously and unconsciously reminds both parties of the dominant role men nornally take?
I see it only as playfully having a good time...
A lot of teasing is just sarcasm, sarcastically exposing or highlighting the perceived bad in them.
Sarcasm is when you tell the truth but also may not, we don't know, you are just joking.
You got to be willing to be "attacking" a bit.
You got to be willing to break some boundaries.
Sometimes it can be good to break a boundary.
And if she says "goodbye" or "leave me alone" but laughs, keep doing it, you push some boundaries and show defiance but it's actually in good spirit because she laughs. Most of communication is non-verbal.
Most of communication is non-verbal, for how they act is more important than what they outright say, so be aware of social clues.
You tease them about something bad about them.
And saying it indirectly in a way that is funny, that small flaws.
The small flaws you exploit.
Sarcasm is also about breaking expectations, leading people in one direction then doing the complete opposite.
There is a bit of wickedness in teasing too but not really as it's not serious.
The point is not to hurt their feelings, the point is to amuse them and be amused yourself.
Show your personality.
Tease people, because it's funny, but don't overdo it, because it gets stressing.
You can be a bit slick and under the table.
Other things such as knowing how to dance and not being overweight helps, since we actually find people that are more attractive as more funny, we are usually more eager to give them the benefit of the doubt.
In the end, teasing is all fun, chill and high vibes. It's about the attitude. It's about having fun when talking to each other.
The teasing from the conversation can make you a cool guy.
Finding something bad about them and then exploiting it in a funny way. That is essentially teasing I guess.
But you got to be willing to go overboard and actually push some boundaries.
In a way, you could treat them "like a child", like an inexperienced child that you make fun of.
Or like that guy from that online game when you're being toxic, but this is why you don't overdo it, it's a soft toxicity, a bit of it can be fun, with them feeling "attacked" and challenged. Too much of it can be actual toxicity.
While sarcasm is essentially saying the opposite of what you mean, with the sarcastic tone clearly different from your normal tone that gives it away, and the current situation that makes it clear & obvious that's not the right answer.
You can exaggerate something to ridiculousness for sarcasm.
That's pretty much all when it comes to sarcasm & teasing.
It also helps if you increase your overall attractiveness: looks, personality, etc.
How to become a better teaser?
In short, I would say: Don't upset/offend people by making fun of something they are insecure about.
Now, if people get offened or upset once in a while for you made fun of something they are insecure about, it's not really a big thing. They will get over it and forget it. Apologise and say you won't do it again. It's not the end of the world. Don't get all defensive and low about it, yes, you made a bad joke and you are sorry and you will make up for it.
Keep your attitude, do apologise but don't get all humble and defensive.
You admit your mistake and consider it but still raise up above it. You don't get on your knees and be or consider this the end of your relationship.
I guess teasing can show dominance in some various ways like:
You dominate the conversation
Make her want you
Play qualify and disqualify games.
Qualify is when you change your behavior to try to impress someone else. In social interactions, the person who is qualifying itself to the other person is the person of lower social status. That's how it's seen. If someone is always trying to accomodate you, to appease you, to build report, then it just seems in the interaction that she's of lower social status you're of higher social status.
For example, you say: A says - "you know, I'm really into sports" and B replies - "well, I used to play volleyball". B is qualifying. And if you do it once or twice it happens, but if you do it all the time it becomes pretty apparent that you are trying to qualify to her, to become all that she wants, to appease her.
You can make an assertion and see if she falls by it "I find that adventurous people are the most fun", and if she agrees great if she doesn't agree fine because it's not like you said "please qualify to me".
If she's like "I really disagree" and gives a very logical answer, you know she's not trying to qualify herself to you. So joke around, tease her a little bit more, have some good conversations good vibe and try again later.
Qualifying is that narrative when you create the sense of she won you over, there's something special that's going to make it make more sense for you to hang out or get a number, etc. Disqualifying is going to make her try even harder and invest even more. So you want to do a little bit of both.
If every single time she tries to qualify you you just disqualify her (disagree), she'll give up and stop trying to qualify.
If every single time she tries to qualify you you always qualify her (agree with her), she's like "this guy is too easy", "there's no value in it".
So what you want is a mix of both. Occasionally qualify, occasionally disqualify.
And the best way to do it is just be honest. The things she says that really impress you, be impressed by it. The things she says that are kind of lame, don't be afraid to tell her are kind of lame.
You can be soft-spoken and still disagree. People like honest opinions because they like to know how things really are, and having someone who can give a honest opinion can be quite attractive. Being willing to say that that thing isn't that great, or that that thing doesn't look so good, or that you don't like that kind of music, or that you have another preference, etc.
Ok, I got a bit off-topic, so teasing can show dominance in some various ways like:
Romance but also being strong and competent.
People can impress with their sensitivity by becoming good at playing an instrument or simply expressing empathy and even moments of sincerity.
- Girls with sensitivity like polite and respectful men with sensitivity and a gentle soul. Someone who can open their heart and can show depths of feeling. Someone loving who is like a gentleman.
Showing sensitivity is attractive, like learning an instrument, looking at art, listening to opera, music about the soul like rap. Girls with sensitivity like men who show that they look beyond looks and appreciate the person they are.
Try to approach people emotionally, having moments of realness, of being honest, of speaking from the heart, of seeking closure and telling how you feel.
Treat people right and be gentle with them. You don't have to insist on her. You just have to be great around her. Make yourself likeable by making the other person feel pleasant around you, make her feel entertained. You can eventually talk about deep stuff, transition from small talk to big talk. Have an honest discussion, share, open your hearts to various things that bothers you or him or talk about various issues in the world or with other people, that is equally interesting, to be emotionally connected with the other person.
Be open to talk about feelings, it doesn't have to be a 2-way discussion. It's a mix of being fun and caring moments, which is natural for humans, not only in dating but with anyone.
You got to be emotionally available and look at people.
If you do have a problem, go for real talk, and I mean real talk, not just talk. To talk to her and tell her how you feel. Just be natural, let it flow. Give it on emotions. Have a discussion from the heart. If she cares about you, she will have that discussion too. To have a serious discussion from the heart. Real communication brings people closer. It also allows you to be yourself, to be you that you can be and not be hidden or wear a mask because then you are not enjoying yourself. Or at least not hidden about your feelings.
Having one of those deep discussions when you talk from the heart also helps.
And of course, be yourself.
I think it's important to be yourself, in the sense of to be the you that you can be and not be hidden or wear a mask because then you are not enjoying yourself. To say what you feel. Because if you aren't yourself and you wear a mask and are hidden then you can't really enjoy yourself while doing so and you cannot form a genuine emotional connection while not being genuine. That doesn't mean to tell her everything about your life, even the most embarassing things, but to have a healthy dose of being open about your feelings there.
That also doesn't mean not to take care of your looks or your life or your finances because "I'm being myself and if she likes me then she likes me the way I am", that's terrible advice, because everybody must have something to offer to be in a relationship, that's the bottom line question, what do you have to offer? whether it's warmth, intelligence, making them laugh or something else. There's a reason a woman with good education and wealth and looks won't be with a man of poor education who is ugly and works as a janitor. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm saying it's not usually the case.
And the reason for this is standards. They have something to offer, otherwise you wouldn't be attracted to them. If you want to get what they have to offer, you have to have something to offer yourself that they want. To make them feel good, through warmth and fun, and yes to provide some financial support, I'm not saying be a sugar daddy but don't be an ugly janitor with no money either. A woman with standards want a man that she can have a future with, a man that can offer her a future. But, being yourself in the sense of not wearing a mask or being hidden, is not the same thing as neglecting yourself and thinking you musn't have something to offer to make being with you a good deal for the other person as well, being yourself means to have a healthy dose of being open about your feelings, to tell what you feel.
Being yourself doesn't mean being a jerk to other people either. You can learn an advice and take it to heart and then it becomes part of yourself, being yourself is more about being your emotional self than acting on every whim or instinct or impulse. You can be yourself and be able to take people with benevolence, to be understanding, like "I don't even need a reason" if she has done something or asks for something and feels the need to justify herself to you.
It can make people feel free to be more of themselves around you, more open, more authentic, when they see that certain behavior are not only accepted but celebrated. It allows people to be real, to be themselves, not wear a mask, not be hidden and talk from the heart, when they feel they don't have to fit a certain line to be accepted or celebrated, when you take people with benevolence and are understanding, the "I don't even need a reason" type where she doesn't feel the need to justify herself to you for doing something or asking for something.
And say what they are probably thinking, not what you believe they want to hear (aka praise), but what they are probably thinking.
Be a bit under the table.
- Just be amused.
What you have to offer is less of a question. More of a question is: how attractive you are?
It's all about attraction. Making people drawn to you.
- Find out what she is into that you could also be into, people like to talk about subjects that fascinate them.
- Find what that person is interested in, talk about that thing.
How to become better at communication? People like to talk about themselves. People like to talk about what they are doing, where they have been and so on.
I still don't know how to 'touch' people but talking about themselves or talking about something they are interested in is a good place to start.
When it comes to conversation, as long as you have a good smiley attitude you should be good, even if you hit on them on the street.
(A) Apart from talking about themselves and talking about something they are interested in, you can:
(B) Look at the enviroment and talk about something within the enviroment.
(C) Talk about these subjects: weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown, movies, music. Kind of shallow but this is how everything starts.
With a benevolent, kind, non-aggresive attitude.
I feel the need to mention this because you shouldn't be too much in their soul if you notice a drawback from them, allow people their space.
Combine that with teasing and occasional jokes and it's going to be amazing.
So you haven't interacted with the person, you start with 3 choices: be direct, use the pretext of a commonality or use the pretext of asking for help. In the 1st case, it depends a lot on the location, in a library you probably have to talk about books while in a club you can talk about how hot your are or that I have noticed you. In the 2nd case you tell her that you saw her there and talk about that thing you have in common. In the 3rd case, you find a pretext to talk to her such as asking for help, and next time just ask her how is she doing.
So you go to basic talk: weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown. It's also okay to have moments of silence and feel comfortable in the silence, even make fun of silence. Additionally, find similar interests, have you tried anything she's interested in? communication is key in any relationship. Things aren't complicated, we overcomplicate them out of fear or desire to make everything perfect. The most important thing in a relationship is communcation, when you have a problem to say it, not to keep it buckled up in yourself.
Then when you are more familiar with each other and in touch for a bit, you can shift to big talk, to talk about the deeper concepts of life: money, poverty, justice, fairness, happiness, motivation, desire, knowledge, communication. And as you get to know her and she gets to know you on these issues, you'll both get a better idea of who the other person is. By, you know, just talking about life in general.
And then you can talk about personal issues, if you have already talked about the deeper concepts of life in general she already knows you enough to trust whatever is she dealing with, so you can talk about: struggles, failures, fears, doubts, insecurities, regrets, worries. And when you are on the receiving end of these issues, respond with warmth and reassurance. There is a mutual feeling of trust in those scenarios. That is how you emotionally connect with people, understand their struggles and seek to comfort them. And being on their side, not necessarliy always giving advice, but just listening.
Making jokes is an absolutely essential part in having fun with each other. You can have fun in other ways like doing fun activities, but making jokes is probably the simplest and is universally valid. The magic of the humor is in it's absurdity, things are funny because they are ridiculous, either ridiculously simple or ridiculously wrong, they make no sense, or when you see something that is already ridiculous and exaggerate it even further is also funny, sarcasm works the same way, you say something that it's so ridiculous it can't be true, because you mean the opposite.
And when you are asked something: Don't answer a question directly. Either give more details or delay the answer with another conversation topic. Your job is to convey your personality, that's what you're trying to do.
When you talk to her, you try to keep her interested by talking about herself or something she is interested in.Find what that person is interested in, talk about that thing. OR look at the enviroment and talk about something within the enviroment. OR basic shallow stuff like: weather, arts, entertainment, sports, family, food, work, school, travel, celebrity gossip, hobbies, hometown, movies, music. But you also try to convey your personality, to show who you are, to create some familiarity.
Now, the assumption is that your personality is an attractive one, and you have to market it as such. If you think your personality is unattractive and act like it's unattractive, even say that your personality is unattractive, well, she can only agree with you, so why are we even here? so you have to think that your personality is an attractive one and market it as such. She might disagree, but if you market it as unattractive and she agrees it's the same thing. At least here you have a chance that you market your personality as attractive and she agrees. It's a lot more likely than the other way around, you thinking of yourself as unattractive and she disagreeing.
But you have to convey your personality because if she doesn't know who you are, she can't get attracted to you, because there's no you to get attracted to. Makes sense? If you're just a string of questions, random questions, what is she interacting with? an interview machine?
If you ask questions, ask questions in a way that converys your personality: if she works in a hotel industry, you could ask "why would you go into an industry where people yell at you and are upset with you all the time?". And also frame it positively, "you seem like a pretty competent capable person, why the hotel industry of all the things you could have done?".
When you're talking about different topics there's levels to it. Talking about random things is very not intimate, that's the least intimate. Talking about yourself is fairly not initmate because it's not a big deal for her, there's no debate in it, telling stories about yourself. Talking about her tends to be a little more intimate. What you'd really like to be talking about is you and her together, and that's the most intimate. It's: random, I, you, we.
So what you want to do is shift the topics to more intimate ones, and an easy way to do that is by teasing. Because teasers are fun and light-hearted and you're just kidding, so it's a safe way of introducting those more intimate topics.
How of creating attraction is through normal conversation, how can you get better at this an connecting with people in general? In conversation, probably the most common mistake guys make when talking to girls is that they stop being themselves, stop being enjoying the converation, paying attention and actually being in the conversation they're in, and they start thinking too much outside the conversation.
Probably the most important thing you can do in a conversation is stop trying to think of what to say in the future, stop trying to think of where to take this, etc. And mostly, just be present in the conversation. Mostly, pay attention to the girl, and really key off off what they're doing.
Trust and believe that who you are has value to offer to the conversation. If you fundamentally don't believe that, if you fundamentally think that you're taking value from the conversation, it's going to come off that that's the case, the other person is going to catch that vibe, and also, you're going to be constantly censoring and monitoring yourself and you're going to find yourself locked up and not having a lot to say.
So the first thing you can do in a conversation is understand that it's actually an interplay, it's an exchange of ideas and exchange of thoughts between you and another person or other people, and so you need to be paying attention to them.
If you're self-centered in the conversation, you're going to be missing things, you're not going to come off as charismatic, you're not going to be very relateable.
The natural instinct you should avoid, getting to self-centered in your own conversation, most people are self-centered in their conversation, most people are caught up in: their own insecurities, their own thoughts, their own little world and are barely paying attention to anybody else.
If you're the person that is actually paying attention to them, and understanding them, and showing that, showing that you care. They're going to relate a lot more to you than they would to someone who seems oblivious to them. Because they are the most relevant thing going on.
Find out who this person is, value this person, become truly interested in this person. Explore her personality to discover who she is. When you're talking to a girl, find a couple distinctive things about her that are reasons why you like her.
Because that's going to show: you paid attention, you valued her and is also going to make her feel like she earned your attention in some way. You make her feel that she has earned your attention because of who she is, what she values, what she is intersted about. You wouldn't just give it to any girl just because she's hot.
And as I said previously, have deep discussions. About life: money, how we need money, etc. You can even start a random topic, just like that. Religion, talking about religion. About people, their goal, their purpose, their happiness, what makes someone happy. Most of these discussions involve a bit of sadness and introspection. And also talking with the other person, having a conversation, not just spewing your ideas.
It's about connecting with people, getting to know them on a deeper level. You have to like/love someone before you want to connect. But you can also show you're someone worth connecting with. What about love? what is love? what about love for a stranger, or a begger, or a fellow human? You can even start them by making a statement "you know, I think human beings.." or directly ask a question "what do you think about religion?".
What would you do if you only had 3 days to live or a month? Most of these involve a "doomsday" approach, since generally they revolve around what is wrong with the world, but it's also fascinating to have a meaningful discussion like that if you find someone who is into it. And yes, even the cliche "what do you think the meaning of life is?". You will get to know what they think like, how they see life on a deeper level, and they will see the same for you.
Now, you also need a good icebreaker.
Icebreaker: what have you been doing? or a common subjects you both talk about.
As I said above - You don't have to insist on her. You just have to be great around her. Make yourself likeable by making the other person feel pleasant around you, make her feel entertained.
You make her want you by drawing her to you.
Ok, back to teasing & dominance.
At the end of the day it's all making fun, calling names, and it’s non-serious in the conversation.
You are playing with them, teasing them, lightly.
I would say “provoking them”. Downplaying them that they are not so good at something, to get a laugh. And to “attack” them a bit because its funny. And it can also be attractive. Couples tease each other all the time.
It’s like a fight, but it’s not so much about establishing superiority (dominate the conversation; but with moral fiber) as it’s about playing a game. Making fun of them, mockery.
In a world where women are so much used with being treated from above, that teasing can come across as being equals or even being treated from below. Treating them like other people, you know, the making fun of them, the mockery.
It also shows you’re someone with standards.
Poking holes in their logic can be another form of teasing.
And a very satifying one. And a very easy to use.
As well as exaggerating their mistakes, making them worse than they actually are.
Or finding similar comparisons.
Or saying that they always do those mistakes.
Sarcastically saying it, smuggish sort of way.
It can also be kind of cute.
Making funs.
That doesn’t mean you have to be a joker all the time, quite the opposite.
You can be polite, but also familiar, decent and inviting. Seek to get a closer bond.
Be likeable.
Qualify and disqualify with compliments.
If you only compliment some of the time, and are willing to be honest about how a certain thing looks like, when you're complimenting it's actually valued more because you're being honest. Your compliment is not taken with a grain of salt because you were not complimenting so many times.
If you compliment her, compliment something distinct about her, something specfic about her rather than a generic compliment, that will take notice and will be appreciated.
The guy who stands up for himself, the guy who is honest about what he likes and dislikes, even what he likes and dislikes about her dress, or how her hair is like right now, even willing to state a controversial political opinion and genuinely does what he thinks is right but has good intentions for her. So nice behavior are not inherently bad, but if all you have is nice behaviors, you're boring, you look pathetic, and ironically: you're going to be perceived as less nice and less trusted than someone who is occasionally nice.
You will be perceived as having an agenda if you are too nice. So get away from that, be your honest self. Put it out there. If you honestly disagree with the girl, say it. If you honestly want to tease the girl, take that risk. Occasionally, yes you will offend the girl with your teasing, more often than not though: she'll respect you for it, she'll appreciate it and she'll get much more attracted to you as a result. Honesty is appreciated because it's rare, we like people who tell us things like it is because we can trust it, you don't have to tell it in a jerkish way, but you can disagree respectfully.
You need to be a nice guy with a hint to bad guy, or a bad guy with a hint of nice guy. You need to have a combination of both. To be able to be on both sides. Both the sensitive and the warrior. Both the diplomant and the stand up for himselfer. The nice because he perfers and the can get away without being nice, the can be not nice if required, and sometimes is not nice. The risk taker and the protector, the guy who will stand up for himself, because then you will also stand up for her. The nurturing who is contlict avoidant but is okay with a conflict if there is no other choice. Comfortable with conflict. Like that Sting song "Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can, a genlteman will walk but never run". Someone who can show depths of feelings but also someone who can be a bit mean at times and is not afraid of negative social feedback.
There is a saying: if you want to be interesting, be interested.
You can be interesting by bering interested in them.
Because people love it when they feel validated and listened to.
The most imporntant subject for discussion for them is themselves after all.
The TL;DR version is this one:
It's like a fight, but it's not so much about establishing superiority as it is about playing a game. Making fun of them, mockery.
In a world where women are so much used with being treated from above, that teasing can come across as being equals or even being treated from below. Treating them like other people. You know, the making fun of them, mockery.
It also sort of shows you're someone with standards.
Poking holes in their logic can be another form of teasing. And a very satifying one. And a very easy to use.
As well as exaggerating their mistakes. Making them worse than they actually are. Or finding similar comparisons. Or saying that they always do those mistakes. Sarcastically saying it, smuggish sort of way. It can also be kind of cute.
Teasing is indeed a playful thing.
However it is usually done to highlight quirks and show acceptance in those.
I guess you could say it's a form of display of affection of other people's quirks.
To me, teasing is arrogances "I'm better than you". Thug life. Not real hurtful ones, jokingly ones.
Of course, may not work with everyone, but when they work, they are great.
A lot of teasing is just sarcasm, saying things you don't really mean for the humor effect, making fun of them, or of someone else, but in light ways, like (that do end up being hurtful, but not offensive, if you understand where the balance is; I guess being honest but being honest as a joke; just give up on your funny spirit and let if flow):
1. Talking about someone you don't like and giving someone else as comparison:
It would look like him if he wouldn't have a beard, too bad he's worse.
So there's a chance they are relatives.
Unfortunately, mabye if he was born later I would have been lucky and got away.
Or earlier, maybe he would have retired before meeting you.
That's what I meant.
Or maybe with 40 years ealier.
He would have been bullied a lot.
He's the kind of guy with "sir, these guys want to cross on the red"
He would probably beat us given how tall he is.
I think he was like that, this is why he hates a lot of people.
Truly, I can't think of something else.
Or more to get revenge on people.
2. Or someone has a bad tatoo "if you can understand what he writes there I'll admit I have no idea about tattoos".
3. Or misrepresenting what they said:
Officially, it's my last day here.
You can even leave now if you want.
Where, here or at my job?
Wherever you want.
4. Or just doing random stuff and seeing where it's going. Playing a frame game, taking their words and turining them into the worst case possible. Making them look bad or yourself look better.
Are you okay?
Yes, why you ask?
Just making sure.
You broke my chain of pictures
Oh, am I a joke to you?
That's exactly what I wanted to say.
That's very offensive.
For me or for you?
I think you wanted to say something else.
What did I want to say?
Ok, you're starting to become naughty.
Oh, really, you don't say.
More like, come pick me up, I'm scared.
More like, they ask you how you are and you just have to say you're fine.
Really, you right now.
But what have I done?
When I didn't get your pictures and broke the chain.
How can you not understand such a thing, they are art. I see you're not a woman of culture.
Good joke, stop doing it. I'm crying.
Stop crying, stop crying, you have suffered enough, that's enough, be strong.
Come on, stop being such a jerk.
Does sleeping before the movie ends seem familiar to you?
I call BS.
You want to go to the casino and make tons of money?
If you get the jackpot you're cool.
Look who knows.
Who me? I don't know anything about these.
How much did you made the most?
Who, me? about 200, I'm kidding.
Yeah, sure, you're kidding.
I got the salary today.
So that's where you salary goes.
What? Not true, I kept half of it.
Yeah, for dog races.
I think I'll lose my job.
What I hate in my life the most, work.
Respect.
Don't worry, you have other options, the low jobs are always there for you, or stealing.
Stealing doesn't sound so bad anymore.
There are options.
I'll put a good word for you.
We'll start our criminal career based on good words.
It would really be sad to end up this way.
You as the worker and me as the manager, we're making a company out of this.
I'll split the salary.
Can you give me some cash?
Double?
Meaning?
Double for me.
We're doing half-half, you pay me half for real and half off the record.
What are you doing here?
You're going to be the loser, there has to be a loser.
No. You're the loser.
Come on, I'll give you tickets. Have you ever seen a loser as manager?
Who says we're going off the record, we're going on the record.
Recoding stealings?
You know what, before that we should make some tools.
I don't know, talk to the guys on the field, I'm the manager.
If I get the money I can be whoever needs to be.
Exactly, because Dorel is the one producing.
Oh, excuse me.
You're forgiven (not taking the sarcasm seriously and responding to it for what it is)
Really?
That's exactly what you'll say when I get my first salary.
Money first.
Is the minnimum wage okay?
No, I'll look like that when you stand and do nothing. I'll think about it.
Plus some tickets.
How cool you are this one who is the manager (again, not falling into the sarcasm but taking it for what it is, that way you disarm the sarcasm)
Thank you. I'm the king.
You don't learn resourcefullness, you are born with it.
Of course, most of the conversations are around common interests you both like, but it's also fun to have non-sense talks like these.
I'm not saying be a jerk. Have decency. Have dignity. Remember to have dignity. Be a guardian angel. The sister you never had (sort of, in the sense of be romantically invested but also treat her like a sister, as there plenty of couples who treat each other like crap). Be her friend and she will begin to trust you.
You can even be romantic about it. It was at a hotel, going back with my family, picked up some sandwiches, when I met this girl I knew on the halways, asked her if she would like to come with me, as I previously asked her online whether she knows any good places to visit, on the road told her thanks for telling me where I could find those, took a little detour in park, then when to a town center, searched there a bit, found a workout place, she wanted in, I dragged her a little back gently "no, no, no, this is not for [her home town] girls", "but this is for [my home town] girls?", "yes, yes, yes, do you want to come to the [another location]?", "ok my cuite" and smiled", then went on to kiss her, as I realsied she liked me.
You can do this in many way. For example if you're with her watching a movie, and she gives hints that she doesn't like it, then ask her "why are you watching it if you don't like it?", "because you are watching it", "what?", "I watch it because you are watching it", then when on and kiss her, as you realise she likes you.
There's plenty of other ways to tease. You can make scare jokes, especially if you're in a forest or somehwere like that. You can try to take a picture of her when she is in a funny moment, if she doesn't start filming and be like: "ok, ok", "but you can stop filiming me, it's okay", "but you didn't stay for the photo", so you pushed some boundaries. The non-verbal language is very important here, does she laugh and smiles when she says "but you can stop filiming me, it's okay" or not?
Or you can be sarcastic if she's very cold of stuff like that" "we are here at the mountainside is Alaska, there is now show yet but it's very cold, as you can see (pointing out to her being cold)", "keep freezing [her name]", "look, we are still coming to equip ourselves for this, this weather very cold, "goodbye", keeps filming [defiance], "goodbye!", "what?", "goodbye! [insistnace]", "goodbye what? [more defiance]", "go ahead, start it", "well, go ahead". So you would mix doing things for them with not doing things for them and challenging for games like rock, paper, scissors], "ok, fine".
Or looking at them when they are doing something they're not very good at, waiting for them to make a mistake to laugh at them.
Or a smug indirect brag of yourself, arrogances, again. Sarcasm with arrogance. Praising yourself. I'm the best [whatever you are] you can have. Congratulations for the best [whatever you are] you can have. An indirect personal praise.
Or "that's what it means to be a boss" when you do something well.
Now, have all these jokes, all these arrogances, but also be very warm as a person.
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