Discerning God's Will. Does God Want Me to Do This?

I'll say straightup that I'm a little nervous about this, because I already know from experience that sometimes... anything to do with God/religion can sometimes ruffle feathers or evoke strong debates. But I'm hoping there might be at least a few civil, level-headed people on this forum.

I'm also hoping I might find at least one or two fellow Christians to talk to.

Okay so, a big reason why I'm even talking about this here is because I've been living in a vacuum for far too long on a... certain matter. I spent years believing that something specific was meant to happen, even to the point of getting crazy about it. Maybe part of the problem is that... I never really talked about it enough. I just stayed in a bubble and believed, so I got crushed when a certain aspect of it never came to pass.

The thing is... it also just felt like I kept receiving mixed signals. So I really don't know if this is partially of God, or if it's just my own imagination, or... what.

Basically, for nearly a decade now, I have been absolutely dying to go to a specific country and meet a specific person. But once again, I can't seem to figure out wholly if this is just my own wishful thinking and imagination, or if there is something to it.

The only thing I really have to go on is a host of coincidences, where... at least a couple dozen times or so, it seems like every single time I tell myself firmly that I'm going to forget the notion because it's JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN, (I mean... I can't afford to go there, and various other logistics of my life won't allow me the flexibility or free time to go there, either) but....

The key thing is, every single time I give myself this command, that I'm gonna be realistic/logical and forget it, something always happens, as if on cue, right at that EXACT MOMENT, to snap my interest and attention back to it.

The most significant example of all happened about a year ago. I once again gave myself an order that I was going to forget it, while I was sitting in a laundromat minding my own business. Then right at that moment, two people I had never seen before came in to dry clothes, and they sat down near me... and they just happened to be of the same descent as the country I'm so interested in. It's also important to note that I didn't bring it up, they brought up the country themselves.

And it also turned out that at least one of them was distantly related to the royal family of that country.

I've never seen those people again, but that was a genuinely rattling experience.

I have spoken to a couple of people at a couple of different churches, and they don't really know what to say about it, especially since... well, just because you are someone of God, that doesn't mean God is gonna speak through you like a mouthpiece or tell you what His plans are through them, I guess. (I mean... God owes us nothing. He doesn't have to speak on command or tell us anything just because we're dying of curiosity...)

The best thing one pastor was able to tell me was... that he would pray, that the congregation could pray, and that... well...

He also told me that there is a difference between something you're called to do, and something that is merely a desire. And that having a desire is okay, but you also can't let it become an idol, which he sorta fears is what I might be doing... especially when I mentioned that I sometimes felt like I would almost be willing to give up my faith in God if I can't have this. (i.e., he said that's like when a child tells a parent, "If you don't let me have this toy, I won't love you anymore...")

And he did point out that it's very possible some of the coincidences that happened might just be that, coincidences, because they really do happen sometimes. He also said that maybe the reason why I so randomly met someone distantly related to the royalty of that country is because God might have been thinking, "My child can't go there, so I'll bring her a piece of it because I know she likes it and I love her."

It's just... I still can't seem to shake whatever it is I'm feeling, even if the emotional potency seems to have eased off quite a bit. I just feel like, for some reason that's beyond my understanding right now, I am not supposed to just forget about the notion.

I mean, maybe you can dismiss one or two coincidences as just that, coincidences, cuz yes... they DO happen. But having a couple of dozen of them happen, and always right at the moment I say I'm gonna forget it? I strongly feel like someone is trying to tell me something.

Plus there is the fact that my heart just won't let go of it for some reason.

Then, two or three weeks ago, I strongly felt the Holy Spirit tell me, inside, that I was supposed to grab a passport application form while I was at the post office. He didn't say that I was going anywhere just yet, nor am I supposed to get one just yet, He simply told me to get a form and at least show it to my family to let them know I had gotten one.

And it's not in the budget right now to get one anyway, but I made the firm decision I will save up for it myself, and I'm already at least halfway to my goal in my special little fund set aside just for that.

But it's just kind of confusing and frustrating just how it seems like God won't say anything else, and He seems to have no interest in telling me... much of anything. The best thing I could get out of Him one night around that time when I prayed intently was a very peaceful and patient feeling that engulfed me, and it almost seemed like... He chuckled a little, if I can put it that way, and words formed inside me kinda like, "Don't worry about this so much, I'm in this." And He hasn't said anything else on the matter since.

I don't know if there is anything to be gained here by talking about this here, and I almost feel like I'm just going to invite criticism or be told I'm just some kind of nut or something. I guess I'm just hoping that there might be at least one or two Christians here who might have at least something to say, some godly insights to offer, or... if nothing else, if any of you are reading this, I would like to ask for prayers. I'd really appreciate it.

Well, thanks for reading, at least. ^^;