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Wed 17 Aug, 2005 01:42 am
My situation is something that i haven't been able to find described by reading the boards.
I've been married for just under a year. This year has seen some turmoil, beginning with my wife cheating on me right at the beginning of the relationship. then lying about it despite repeated questions ( i knew the story wasn't making sense). She then "admitted" to something other than the truth, i.e. another lie. Until finally after a party when she was inebriated she couldn't keep the stories straight and let it slip that she had been lying about it. After that a story came out where she said she had gone to the guys house. Gotten drunk and completely blacked out. Felt to me like she was not going to lie about the physical fact that they had sex, she just doesn't want to admit to having any concious decisionmaking involved in the story..
After this, we had some other problems relating to the damaged trust issue. Anytime I felt the slightest insecurity in what she was doing and asked about it she blew up and told me that I had to stop bringing this up. Even when i don't refer to the incident, i am not allowed to be insecure or basically have any healing time.
On top of this, the sex has become a lot more one sided, it is revolving around her pleasure, and things that were no problem before the marriage never happen anymore with her at the giving end.
All of this has put me in the place where i feel no closeness whatsoever, I don't want to go to sleep to next to her, I don't want to have sex with her, when we do it is all about pleasing her, It's become no use for me to even attempt to reach any climax. It's just not thereanymore.
I have never cheated on her, or even had the thought of doing so. But i am starting to wonder wether this is even worth trying to fix. She has a very large problem with accepting responsibility. When she realises that she is in the wrong with something, she will say she is sorry. But make no attempt to remedy the situation and she completely blows up when it is mentioned again. Even though the problem continues.
The last problem is that the one thing that I can never mention is being unhappy in the bedroom, trying that once resulted in a complete meltdown where she refused to touch, speak or mostly be in the same room.
We have no kids, so the marriage isn't hung up on that fact. But at the same time I do not consider divorce to be anything but an absolutely last resort.
Anyone have any ideas on how I can raise theese issues with her? Ways of communicating a problem that is not going to cause a bigger problem?
faithful but tired....
Faithful_man--
Welcome to A2K.
What were your reasons for deciding to marry this woman? How long did you know each other before you became engaged? Were you living together before marriage? Do you plan to have children?
Dear Faithful:
Noddy's questions are quite appropriate. Answer them first (at least to yourself).
It sounds that you do not know well the person you married.
If you married, and she is having affaires right away, and she needs to be drunk to talk about it, that's the tip of the iceberg.
It seems that talking does not work well. A break (not break up) might help and seeking counseling too. As a woman who is selfish in sex (i.e. just around her pleasure) actually does not want to be with you.
Talk to her about having a break (if possible, I don't know your financial situation, but it would be very helpful at this point) and seeking counseling. Now, if she does not want counseling, RED FLAG. Then have the break and consider going out of this marriage. And please, do not have kids (yet). Best , MD
I agree with Morningdew, if she is not willing to take responsibilty for her actions in this marriage going wrong then it will not work. It takes both people to make it work, sounds like she may be unhappy herself and may need to seek counseling just for her to help both of you in the future. If she is not willing to do any of this, you may have to face the fact she doesn't want this marriage and you will need to move on.
You should tell her that to keep a marriage lasting it takes a lot of communication. Tell her in order to give her what she wants she needs to be willing to help you get what you want. Tell her you don't feel the passion in the bedroom anymore bc it seems she only cares for her own satisfaction and not the satisfaction for both of ya'll. divorse shouldn't be a question at all. you married her for love im assuming therefore together ya'll should be able to work anything out.
You are too nice a guy to have your heart broken any more. Maybe she does need help with her own issues, but the way she has treated you shows some serious flaws in character.
If you really love her, know that you aren't doing her any favors by accepting her bad behavior. If you stand up for yourself and declare your love but ALSO your INTOLERANCE of her hurtfulness you will show your compassion and also your own self-respect. In the long run, she may at least respect you for it.
You derserve better.
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