Confused about my marriage

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Hello
I've never posted here before but I need some advice.
My husband and I have been married for coming up to 7 years and we have had a very up and down relationship. We've split up before (1st time we lived apart a yr after he left me and 2nd time he had left but came back the next day) and also been to relate. Every 6-12 months i feel very down with the state of our marriage and normally I complain about what I'm unhappy with, he makes some changes and everything's fine until things go pearshaped again. It's now at the point where he's doesn't get concerned when I tell him I fear for our marriage because i've felt like this so often.
But I don't want to feel like this anymore. I do love him but for various reasons, I've decided I don't ever want to have kids with him because I don't think he'd make a good enough father. I'm not that bothered about kids myself so that doesn't faze me as such but what worries me is if I change my mind down the line and want them then I'm still with a man who i don't think is good enough to be a dad.
We've both suffered from depression at various stages and I came through mine with the assistance of counselling and have overcome my problems but my husband can't seem to overcome his and I doubt he ever will as he is on his 3rd or 4th relapse.
The question i suppose i have is are these feelings normal? Does everyone go through these feelings of hopelessness regarding their marriage so often and wonder why they are in the relationship? We're not rowing and on the face of it things are good at the moment. He has been quite considerate over the past couple of weeks as he knows I've been feeling sad but it doesn't make a difference to my general malaise.
Is it normal to feel such sadness in a marriage and to not really even want to be in the same house as them?
any views that anyone has would be really appreciated. I need to know if my feelings are normal (and that would mean that love really does make you miserable!) or whether I should start exploring leaving him. I think I am going to go to relate but I a counsellor can't tell me other people's experience and that's what I want to know.
Please someone share with me.
Thank you

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stuckgirl - I think that many people go through the "What the hell was I thinking when I married this person?", scenario. The main difference with you and your husband, is that you have both suffered from chronic clinical depression.

Hopelessness is one of the signs of depression. When a person is depressed, he/she does not have the emotional stamina to think through and work out problems, and they appear magnified.

I would suggest that you see a psychiatrist, and have yourself evaluated. Nowadays, there are so many treatments for depression, that there is no reason for you to suffer with it. Once you have gotten yourself on a more stable footing, you might want to see a counselor, and discuss the particular problems that you believe are impacting on your marriage. With a competent therapist, you will learn techniques for dealing with these difficulties. At that point, you will be better able to determine whether your marriage is worth saving, or not.

Get going, and good luck!

BTW, welcome to A2K!

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Stuckgirl--

Welcome to A2K.

You ask:

Quote:

Is it normal to feel such sadness in a marriage and to not really even want to be in the same house as them?

Every married woman has moments of feeling like this. Like "Depression", "Ailing Marriage" can be either situational or chronic.

You write as a successful veteran of chronic depression--who happens to be married to a man who is not successful in banishing his depression.

You say that you love him; that you accept that he would not be a good father; and that parenthood is not important to you.

What is important to you? Do you feel that your husband's moods and needs are hampering your growth as a person? Do you resent that he has not made an effort to come to grips with his depression?

Married life isn't a rose garden or a bowl of cherries--but perpetual gloom and doom isn't normal, either.

What do you want? Are you sure your husband is the only person getting in the way of what you want?

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Thank you to both of you for your replies. I know I am definitely not depressed but I have felt resentful in the past that he couldn't get past his depression and I have lost faith that he will be able to do that but he is on medication now and his mood is stable so that doesn't bother me so much.
But I don't know what I want. I know my depression and recovery from it profoundly changed me as a person. It made me grow up, take responsibility for my life rather than blaming other people from my past and learn to love myself again. But everytime my husband gets a relapse or last year when he hit me once whilst drunk (he has now stopped drinking and is dealing with his anger issues in counselling), i feel it chips away at me and I've had problems with binge eating in the past and although I don't necessarily binge like I used to now, I am using it as a crutch so that I can numb the sadness and pain.
I really wish he hadn't hit me last year. I'm not going to go into what happened - way too long a story - but I wasn't blameless and it was a reaction to my behaviour at the time. And that isn't me saying he wasn't at fault but things happen and he did wrong but I wasn't an angel either. But I really wish it hadn't happened because before that, I felt the happiest I've ever felt. I'd been finished in my counselling for 6 months and was still going strong, I'd lost almost 7 stone, I'd been handpicked for a new job at work following a very successful stint working in London for a month at another office and we were getting on so well with each other in every respect. And then that happened.
I've just ordered a book on Amazon called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and I'm hoping that will help me get things straight in my head whilst I wait for a relate counselling appointment.
All I know is I didn't come through the pain of depression and resolve a lot of other personal issues in my life which a lot of people are never able to do to be unhappy. Maybe I've changed too much for it to work now. Just feels weird that we're not unhappy as in rowing or fighting but for me, there is just a sadness. Hope the book turns out to be good.

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stuckgirl- One of the problems that you may be facing is simply that you ARE in a different emotional place than your husband. At one time you clung to one another...........two people in the throes of depression.

Now, apparently you have begun to change. From what you say, it seems that his depression is upsetting to you...............it reminds you of what you once faced yourself.

Do you love him enough to help him through his period of growth, or do you think that you have diverged too markedly to remain together? Are you afraid that he will never overcome his tendency towards depression?Again, these are the sorts of things that you need to discuss with a therapist.

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Stuckgirl--

You wrote:

Quote:

I really wish he hadn't hit me last year. I'm not going to go into what happened - way too long a story - but I wasn't blameless and it was a reaction to my behaviour at the time

There is no excuse or reason for physical violence. None.

I certainly hope that being hit has modified your opinion of the man who promised to love and cherish you.

By all means, go to counselling for a clearer look at what is going on. If you are changing and he is not, the two of you are growing apart.

Since no children are involved, you have the right to consider life without him. Do so.

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Just Hatched:

If your not happy with this husband of yours in your relationship then I think its time to let go...even if you deeply love him, there are so many men out there waiting for you to walk into their lives, they just don't know it yet...you should weigh out your pro's/con's with him, if pro's have more but your still unhappy, try and work it out, if there are more con's tell him and be happy some where else....

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Confused about my marriage

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