help with a letter

Re: help with a letter
To
The District Inspector of Schools
Puri.


Sub - Requesting transfer of my sister to proper Puri town permanently on medical grounds

Dear Sir,
With due respect, I am writing this to draw your kind attention to the fact that my sister Sabita Mishra was working as an assistant teacher in Damoderpur U.G.U.P school at Damodar Pur. She was directed to work temporarily at Policeline primary school, Puri on health ground as per your office order No. 5697 D-5-11-98. But she has been relived from police line primary school on D-8-08-2005 and joined her permanent post Damodarpur U.G.U.P SCHOOL on D -09-08-2005 vide order No. 3076 D-25-07-2005
She has been an epileptic patient for a long time and has remained under regular life long medical treatment. She has also undergone major surgical treatment twice for a severe gynecological disorder. She has been advised to avoid taking regular bus journeys, as it is very likely to make her health conditions worse. Besides her being an epileptic patient, it would be far more risky to allow her to stay entirely on her own away from home. Presently she is staying with my elder brother at Puri and is under constant care of which she stands in need.
Therefore, I request your good self to please consider her case most sympathetically and absorb her in the vacant post at Harachandi Sahi Primary School, or Waterworks Road Primary School or a new post in Duttatota U.G.U.P School permanently for which act of your kindness I shall remain ever grateful to you.




I apologize that I'm not very good at these kinds of things and I tried to alter it as little as I could. There are customs here that we would use and others that we wouldn't, but I'm not sure how much I should change in your letter because I don't know if I would do more harm than good by drawing the letter further away from Indian writing etiquette.

I hope my changes help, but perhaps someone else will drop by who understands a bit more of what you were trying to say and do a much better job. Good luck.

Beginning where Individual left off (and remember I'm American)...

To
The District Inspector of Schools
Puri.


Sub - Requesting permanent transfer of Sabita Mishra to Puri town schools on medical grounds

Dear Sir,
With due respect, I am writing this to draw your attention to the fact that my sister, Sabita Mishra, was working as an assistant teacher in Damodarpur U.G.U.P school at Damodar Pur. She was directed to work temporarily at Policeline primary school, Puri, on health grounds, per your office order No. 5697, dated 5-11-98. She was relived from Policeline primary school on 8-08-2005 and joined her permanent post at Damodarpur U.G.U.P SCHOOL on 09-08-2005 vide order No. 3076, dated 25-07-2005.
She has been an epileptic patient for a long time and has remained under regular medical treatment. She has also undergone major surgical treatment twice, and has been advised to avoid taking regular bus journeys, as it is very likely to make her health conditions worse. As she is an epileptic patient, it would be risky for her to stay entirely on her own. Presently she is staying with my elder brother at Puri and is under constant care, of which she stands in need.

<somewhere here I would put an explanation, something like "Because the Damodarpur school is XX kilometers from our home, my sister has to spend XX hours on the bus every day. This is contrary to her physicians wishes, and is very draining on her energy.">

Therefore, I request that you please consider her case sympathetically and absorb her in a vacant post at Harachandi Sahi Primary School, or Waterworks Road Primary School, or a new post in Duttatota U.G.U.P School, on a permanent basis. For this kindness I shall remain ever grateful to you.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter.

--------

I would avoid too much emphasis on her poor health -- how can someone who "requires constant care" teach a roomful of active children? Also, this letter does not indicate why she would be better off at Waterworks Road school -- is that near the family home? Are you trying to prevent her having to take long bus trips? I've put a possible paragraph within brackets <>.

And finally, I wonder why your sister doesn't write the letter herself.